Category Archives: wife

A Conversation Between Trent and I at Two in The Morning

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Me to Trent at two in the morning:Hey! Wake up!

Trent:…..What? **grumbles**

Me: Do you love our lives together?

Trent: Yes,(half asleep,).

Me: Fine. Whatever. Nevermind. **sighs**

Trent: **sits up in bed and turns the lights on** Yes I LOVE our lives together! I love our home! I love Henry! I love Stella! I love YOU! We may not have much, but it’s ours…

Me: …Is this what you imagined your life like when you were a little boy?

Trent: No! Little boys don’t think that far in the future! I wanted to drive the street sweeper! BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME! ….What did you want to be when you grew up?

Me: The princess and the pea.

Trent: GO FIGURE!
…You’re my princess. You’re kingdom might not be vast as you expected, but you still are the princess of the court…Now go to sleep.

Me: I can’t… I think there is a pea under this mattress.

Trent: GAH!

#TrentandMae #Ourlifetogether #MaeganHagan #TrentonHagan #life#marriage

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Tick TOCK

Well, its 3:31 AM, and Trent just went to sleep.  I am going on my sixth night of not really sleeping.  I am battling major insomnia. Don’t get me wrong, I come up with the best ideas when I don’t sleep,  and I have been getting some HELLA amount of writing in the last few nights,  but DAMN, I feel like I might be about to lose it! I have had a lot on my mind lately, a lot of obsessive thoughts, and I am having a really hard time shutting my brain off. I seriously am about to go the doctor and tell hiM DRUG ME!  I probably would have already if I didn’t do such weird shit the last time I was on a sleep aide.

About a year ago I had been on Ambian for only a month, and I got a bill from my PayPal account saying I had purchased a bunch of picture frames. Like, not three or four-but fifteen.
I call PayPal and I am just raising all kinds of crap. I’m screaming and the it’s making me even more angry that the lady I am talking to is so adamant that i have actually purchased these fifteen picture frames. At one point I thought I was going to get a terroristic threat charge against me. Trent comes in the room and says, “Mae, what’s wrong?”
I’m still screaming trying to explain what’s going on. “PayPal charged us for fifteen picture frames! This bitch on the phone isn’t listening to me!”

“….Mae. Hang up the phone.”

“Why? We’re not getting charged for something we didn’t buy!” I screamed.

Trent took the phone from me and hung it up. I started to scream and he put his hand over my mouth.

“Mae, you woke up in the middle of the night about a week ago and you started going through all of our pictures. You started talking about wanting to make a timeline on the wall of our lives together and you wanted to get matching picture frames to do it. You got online, and I was trying to talk you out of it, but your mind was set on those picture frames. You ordered them, and then passed out on the floor in a huge pile of photos.  I then got you BACK in bed, and it took me a good hour to get the photos put away.” He finished.

I stood there in shock.
“Wait, why the hell haven’t you said anything to me? That was a week and a half ago.”

“I don’t want you yelling at me! Listen to how you just talked to that poor PayPal lady! I just let you do what you want, you’ll eventually tire yourself out.” 

….That is only ONE of my Ambian stories and I probably was on it for only a month.  Apparently I was also really bad about getting up and baking cakes….and eating like half the cake. Which, if you knew how much I love cake, it wouldn’t surprise you that much. What was surprising is, I didn’t  remember ANY of it! Like, I would have full conversations with people where I told my deepest darkest secrets, and not remember ANY of it!

On second thought,  forget the drugs, I think I’m gonna go buy a sleep mask.

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I Fell BACK In Love With My Husband

I had my surgery. It was a success! He went in there and it turns out I didn’t have endometriosis! I did have pcod and my one ovary was covered in cysts! They drilled for hours! They also did a DNC. The end result is I’m back to where I need to be. It’s been a month almost and still no period? Maybe it takes a while to restart?

I lost my second job. I was working for picture me perfect studios. They went out of business…..at least I wasn’t fired.

….I think I’m going to have to find a new job. When I came back from the surgery everyone was acting weird. They started writing me up for everything. They wrote me up for the second time for signing the date wrong. That means if I write the date wrong one more time I’m fired.

It’s really hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. I kind of know what I like to do and what I’m good at.

I’m good at:
1. Writing
2. Talking
3. Empathy
4. Politics
5. Philosophy
6. Making Lists
7. Partying
8. Facebooking

What can I do with my list?

…Also, I woke up and my legs wouldn’t move. It hasn’t happened since last summer when I got sick.    😦

Trent and I are getting along better than ever. That’s pretty much the best part of everything in my life right now. 

I called and made an appointment for him to see a lawyer for having his record clean from when he got drunk and high and led a liberation for all the local lawn gnomes.

The lawyer agreed and was really cool and said he would do it for 250 per charge. It’s probably going to come to a thousand dollars. We don’t have it right now, but we can at least do one at a time. And then its done and he can get a great job, and I won’t have to keep working these aweful jobs, and I can sit back and be a lazy housewife  😉

I actually enjoy his company lately. He made me an Easter Basket the other day and put it on the bed! It was really sweet!

And we have been fucking each other like rabbits!  You would think we were newlyweds!  His stamina is OFF THE CHARTS! It turns out-of-out a little (or a lot!) Of physical release does a body good! Damn it, it does my body good! I was needing some dick!

I also WANT to have sex with him now. He helps me out around the house now. The other day he mowed the lawn AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO NAG HIM ABOUT IT UNTIL I’M READY TO SLIT MY WRISTS!

I love that I have the man I fell in love with back again! The light of his love lightened my cold charcoal heart. I can’t believe I managed to fall MORE in love with my husband!

Thank you God!

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Please Work With Me, Husband!

What does everyone want from me?!? I’m just one person! I can’t be the only person in this trying to work to better our situation. ESPECIALLY,  because the stuff that is on his record happened before we even got together!  I am only one person! And I am sick! How many times do I have to say get a better job, before I’m so broke down that it doesn’t even matter anymore. I am told that I should be glad he even has a job. Why does he like staying at a job that pays 7.25 an hour? because it’s easy. ….Well I’m glad your one job is so easy on you but because I have to have a second job to afford medical benefits from my first job just to cover him so he can stay at his easy 7.25 an hour job, thst doesn’t provide health care benefits! Oh, and did I tell you my first job just changed my hours to where I’m sure my second job isn’t even going to want me???? What does everyone want from me??? I’m just wanting to feel better!

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The Question

What can you take away from someone who has nothing? Some of my really scary thoughts have been coming back.

My husband of five years Trent was at work and he started screaming of a pain in his lower back. They rushed him to the hospital and they told him he had diabetes type 2 and emphysema. Someday I’ll give you the full story and everything in between that led up to him being in the hospital,  but for now our story continues after.

We had been living in an apartment that has black mold. For quite some time. And so when we found out Trent had emphysema I knew we couldn’t go back there. My father in-law invited us to come stay with him until we could save up for a new apartment. 

My life feels out of order. I’m staying strong for Trent and trying to make better choices, like not giving in to cravings for Taco Bell at 1 am, but damn it, I want a fucking cheeseburger.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed. Most days I can’t figure out why I’m  so angry,Most days I can’t figure out why nothing makes sense. Most days I hear people talking and I start to tune them out. My mind goes to that place that I know it’s only been three other times in my life. I start thinking that the scariest thing of all.

I hate that nothing ties me to here. You have no idea how easy it is for me to walk away from everything. I’m trying to get better as I get older,  but that scary thought of being able to walk away from everything is still there.

So, it’s 11:42 AM. I have taken the dog out to the car with me, I am listening to Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd and I’m sitting here writing.

I’m sitting here thinking about how The Universe has a way of balancing out everything.  How there’s a whole story that has yet to be told. I am thinking about how there are positives to this situation.  And then I start to break down in tears because I’m tired.

Dear Universe: I know you have a way of balancing everything out, but if you could make it slightly easier for me I would really appreciate it.

The question was: What do you take away from someone who has nothing? The answer: Nothing. I’m still me. I’m still Maegan Hagan. At the end of the day you can take away my home and my money,  but you can’t take away my stories or any of the experiences I’ve had with people.  I am me. I am beautiful.  I am strong. I am here.

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“She worries so nobody else has to.” Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving is my day to shine! I spend months prepping and planning and slaving, and worrying! How many can relate?

And, the whole time you’re thinking, is anyone even going to appreciate it?

My Dad understood the importance of this. I remember my Grandmother Stella standing over that hot ass stove EVERY YEAR, and Dad telling me to go help her. I would shrug my shoulders and go up to her, “Grandma, do you need any help?’ She would smile and say, “No, baby. I’m fine.”

I have always loved Thanksgiving! It is that one hoiday where you see people all year long that you want to see, but sometimes you just don’t have the time! Thanksgiving, is the day that we have been socialized and taught that it is the day you HAVE to see them!

And you get to eat as MUCH food without one person DARING to say anything about your weight!

So, if you will give me the chance I will teach you how to have the perfect Thanksgiving, and how to prep, budget, and plan accordingly!

So, first you need to figure out where you are going to have Thanksgiving, My husband and I live in a one bedroom walk up, so if we want to have get together, it is nearly impossible. Actually, having more that Trent and myself in the apartment makes me feel like someone is setting on my chest. It’s a tight fit.

We typically go to My Father in-law, Mike’s house. However, with Travis being sick, Mike went to the hospital this year and spent the day with Travis. My family is kind of out there, but I figured this would give me a chance to see my brother Dirk who I never get to see, and let me show off my cooking talents to them.

Decide on a time. This year we decided to eat around dinner time. I told everyone that I wanted to shoot for 5:00pm. We typically have it at noon, but I figured a dinner would be lovely.

I gave myself a budget of 200.00. 200.00 is actually a lot for me to spend, and it was my entire take home pay, but I desperately need to feel in control on Thanksgiving, and if it takes almost my entire pay check to feel thay way, then I’ll do it!

I made a menu: Appetizers: Bitch Dip Crab Rangoon Shrimp, (There’s a reason behind this, I’ll get back to that!) Veggie Platter

Main Course Deep Fried Cajun Turkey

Side Dishes Cranberry Sauce Corn Casserole Green Bean Casserole Brocolli and rice casserole Sweet potato casserole Cheddar Bay Biscuits Mac N Cheese Mashed Potatos

Desserts Pecan Pie Pumpkin Pie

So, I go to the store and I get all of the ingredients. I actually was only able to buy the ingredient the day before because I got paid on Wednesday, but, it worked out PERFECTFLY! When I went to the store I actually had it in my mind that this year I am going to focus on help with my appetizers so I can give ALL my attention to the Turkey. Because lets be honest-the turkey can make or break your entire meal. Last year we chose to do a Turducken, and it was very expensive, but if you are like me you enjoy the challenge of it all and you love the bragging rights! Last year the Turducken was beautiful and it made for some great dinner conversations!

This year I had A LOT to live up to. I wanted to do something I had never done before, I wanted to deep fry a turkey!

With the help of Kroger I bought a few of my appetizers. I bought a veggie platter and a Shrimp platter. The shrimp platter was for my husband Trent. He loves shrimp, and every year I go through an epic battle with him to leave the food alone. By the end of the day I,’ve done everything short of asking for a divorce just to get him away from the food. I made Bitch Dip and Crab Rangoon this year. Now, what is Bitch Dip? Bitch Dip is really easy and you have probably already eatten it once in your life. I call it Bitch Dip because a bitch taught me how to make it, AND, it is something that when you are hungry you pop it in your mouth and you stop bitching.

Bitch Dip 1 block of velveeta cheese 1 can of Rotel 2 packages of sausage

Directions: Fry up sausage and make sure you chop it up. If you want to save money, hamburger is actually a pretty good substitution and it gives you more. While you are frying up the Sausage or Hamburger you cut up and entire block of cheese and put it in a microwavable safe dish. Open the can of Rotel and put on top. You then put the sausage on top and microwave for three minutes. This will save you time so please take advantage. You then put in a crock pot and just let it sit over night. Remember this is made the night BEFORE Thanksgiving, when you will be doing the most prep work.

This is one of the more loved dishes in my house, please feel free to tweak it and let me know other ways of making it better. We usually eat half of it the night before Thanksgiving and its something that keeps our bellies full!

The next dish that can be done the night before is the Crab Rangoon. This was my first time making them, so I was TERRIFIED I was going to screw them up!

Crab Rangoon 1 package of wonton wraps 1 package of cream cheese 2 green onions finely chopped 1 tbsp soy sauce dash of garlic powder 1 immitation crab meat

Okay, so you can USE real crab meat but its really expensive, and I didnt want to buy it for something that i didnt even know if anyone was going to like. So, like I said I bought the immitation crab meat for 2.50 and I couldn’t stand the smell so I threw it out! And after reading tons of user boards, many people said the same thing, you can use it, but it really isn’t necessary.

You take the ingredients listed above and you mix them all together and you take the wonton wrapper and put a dab of it on the inside. You then proceed to wrap it like a flower. Once again, this is prep work done the night before. You do this and you put it on a platter and wrap it up with seran wrap to be made the next day. This dish can be baked or fried, but I practiced baking it, and it was REALLY good EITHER way!

So, something I go back and forth with every year is whether or not I should do my casserole the night before. This year I chose to mix up the casseroles the night before.

Corn Casserole 1 can of regular sweet corn 1 can of cream style corn 1tub of sour cream 1 box of Jiffy 1 stick of unsalted butter 1 bag of casserole cheese

This casserole is typically a favorite in my house hold. I usually double up the ingredients because it is so cheap to make! This was a dish made by my grandmother so this is usually a favorite of everyone’s because they associate it with my Grandma Stella. You throw all of the ingredients listed above together, with the exception of the cheese, amd you toss it in the oven at 350 for 45 minutes. You then put the casserole cheese on top and bake for another 15 minutes. Its simple and easy to make!

I then moved on to my Rachael Ray, It’s Not Easy Being Green-Bean Casserole Simply put, it’s like the regular old Green Bean Casserole, with the exception of you use real mushrooms and shallots.

It’s Not Easy Being Green-Bean Casserole 1 can of cream of mushroom 1 handful of mushrooms shallots 2 cans of french stye cut green beans 1 can of Durkees French French Fried Onions 3/4 a cup of milk

Sautee your mushrooms and shallots and then throw together everything listed above, including the fench fried onions, (with the exception of 1/4 th of them,). Bake at 350 for 45 minutes and then you throw the rest of the french fried onions on top and you are finished.

For the yams and the brocolli and rice casserole i really cut corners this year and I’ll get back to that in a second. I actuallly went ahead and I saw this already made deal in Kroger’s deli, and it is not good AT ALL. I will never cut corners in that aspect again.

Everything for both came freshly made, the yams came with a bag of cranberries, walnuts, marshmellows and yams that were very beautiful and cut fine. It also came with a tiny thing of syrup. The directions SAID to Take the yams and syrup and mix them in a bowl together. The only thing the directions said for me to add were 2 tbsp of butter. It then said to add foil to the top of the container it came in and place it on a baking sheet and in the oven for 45 minutes. Okay, so I did so, and 45 minutes later how pissed was I when I took it out of the oven, and not only did the yams NOT get done AT ALL, but I realized I had wasted 45 minutes on a work,  he threw those in a pan of boilng water and let them boil for about 45 minutes. He took them out, drained them, but syrup we magically found in the cubby, along with honey, and butter and we threw the cranberries, walnuts, and marshmellow’s on top.

The Brocolli Rice Casserole was EVEN worse! The pre made dish came with brocolli, onions, rice, cheese, and cream of mushroom. The directions SAID to take the brocolli and onions in sautee them in vegetable oil for five minutes. For some reason it the brocollli didn’t want to cook! It was the oddest thing! I don’t know if I was getting tired but it just kept getting worse from there! I threw in the rice and cream of mushroom thinking, its fine, the brocolli will just get done when I put it in the oven. It did not work! Thee rice tasted doughy? IT WAS FUCKING WEIRD! And it is Trent’s favorite dish so I felt SUPER bad! I ended up throwing it out!

That was Wednesday night, I finished with enough time to watch American Horror Story: Asylum, and I tried relaxing but I really couldn’t! Lol, I just kept thinking, I’m going to screw up the Turkey, none of the sides are going to be hot by the time I get the turkey done, what if the Crab Rangoon falls apart when I’m frying them? Should I have gotten the dog neutered with this pay check instead of buying all of this food everyone may or may not eat? IS THERE A BETTER FUCKING WAY TO KEEP THIS SHIT HOT?

After googling what seemed to be a million different things on ways to keep the sides warm I finally passed out at Midnight. I woke up at Eight to hear Trent talking on the phone to Dirk. He said he was in Yankeetown and he was almost here. I rushed to the bathroom and started taking a shower. I got out and dried off just in time to greet Dirk at the door, to which I discovered that Trent had gotten the veggie and the shrimp tray out and ate almost 60 pieces of shrimp BY HIS SELF! Okay, so that actually was part of my plan. I wanted him to get into the shrimp and eat himself stupid until he passed out, beause every year he gets and pokes around at everything I’m making. Well, I like to take pictures of my food after I’ve made it, but I can’t take pictures if he has bitten into almost everything I’ve made!

But, it looked like he had picked over the appetizers! Dirk looked totally disappointed! I started to laugh when I saw Dirk’s face. “Did you mother fucker’s decide to eat without me?” I started to laugh and I gave him a hug. I love my brother Dirk. He has had a really rough life, and he really just wants to take care of his son, Justin. I gave him and Justin an even longer hug and told them to to get the fuck out of the kitchen, because I had a turkey to make!

Cajun Deep Fried Turkey 2 cups of melted butter 1/4 a cup of onion juice 1/4 a cup of garlic juice 1/4 a cup of louisiana style hot sauce 1/4 a cup of worshister sauce 2 tbsp of ground black pepper 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper 7 fluid ounces of beer 3 gallons of peanut frying oil 1 12 lb turkey

So, you begin with melting the butter, and mixing in the onion juice, garlic sauce, worchester sauce, hot sauce, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and beer. This recipe is really ALL about the seasoning. You take a baster and use it to put ALL the mixture over and in the turkey. After the turkey has all of the nasty stuff pulled out its okay to put a stick of butter on the inside. I have found over the years that this makes the turket EXTREMELY moist. To the point where it falls apart in your mouth. This was put in a turkey bag the night before so it was allowed time for all the juices to soak up the seasonings.

All right so, its Thursday, and as I told you, I worry every year that everything is going to go wrong. I’m outside and Sheena comes out there. I have the friar and I lowered the turkey in the pan and poured the oil in the the friar to the point where it was going to cover the entire turkey.

Sheena has started crying. A vital part of the story is that, the reason why I had to do this for dinner is because Sheena and Brent had to go with Sheena’s mom to Shoney’s for lunch. Well, I had used Sheena’s phone the night before because my phone was dead and I was still looking up tips for Thanksgiving. I had put the phone on the charger and I guess her mom had been calling her all morning. When Sheena finally answered her mother was screaming at the top of her lungs at her. “Where the hell are you?!?” She screamed. “You’ve slept half of the day away!” She screeched. It’s also important to note that it was ten o’clock when she said that to Sheena and also, Sheena has worked the day before from 7 am until 11 pm. So, she was exausted! I gave her a hug and told her to do as we had already planned. Go see her mom, say hello, and happy Thanksgiving, and then come home, and we will make our own memories and have our own Thanksgiving. She left and I got the oil heated up to 365 degree’s. I then submerged the turkey completely in the oil and I sat out there for about twenty minutes. It was supposed to be done for about 40 minutes, BUT we weren’t going to be eating until five. So, I decided to roast the rest of the turkey at noon after everyone had gotten home. So, I go inside and I pop all of the casserole in. Bam! Bam! Bam! I’m knocking it out right and left. I have put the appetizer’s back in the fridge so they can all be cold when everyone went to eat. It’s about two, so I decide to put the turkey in the oven. I put it in a roasting pan and baisted it in butter. I can’t explain to you HOW MUCH BUTTER IS THE KEY WITH TURKEY’S! IT WILL MAKE OR BREAK YOUR ENTIRE MEAL! Nobody wants a dry turkey!

So, I put the oven on 350 and I put the timer on 350. While that is going on I put the oil in a pan on top of the stove and I start to heat it up.

Sheena and Brent are back home trying to recover from her mother, but everyone is there. Trent has snuck off to the back and has passed out after eating all the shrimp, (as predicted!) I then throw in the Crab Rangoon in the oil. It actually heated up in a matter of twenty seconds. I only did five at a time and I didn’t crowd them in the pan, which really helped! I put them on top of paper towels and I knock out about fifty of them. I set them to the side. I start on the potatos. At this point, people are starting to complain that they are hungry. Fuck that! You got time to bitch in my kitchen, you got time, to cook! Trent got to work on the Cheddar Bay Biscuits and Sheena started peeling potatoes. As Sheena was peeling potatoes I ran to her neighbors and asked if I could borrow a mixer for the potatoes. They said sure! Well, they follow me back over, and we are chit chatting. Well, I can’t tell this to people enough, the things people wonder about me and worry about me, are things I’m already concerned I’ve fucked up! I wish I could explain that enough! Well her neighbors see the brocolli rice casserole and say, “What is this?” With a look of disgust on their face. It’s nothing. It’s from a corner I was trying to cut, I’m about to throw it out. They hear the timer go off in the oven, I pull open the door and they see that I didnt have aluminum foil on the turkey. Well, most of you probably know, you only have to have foil on the turkey the first few hours you are making it. The last few hours is for it to become a golden brown. And they said, “Maegan, you should’ve put aluminum foil on it to seal in the moisture. It’s probably not going to be tender now.” Well, my nerves started getting the best of me and I started to cry.

I thought about all of the work I had put into it, and how much I wanted everyone to like it, and ALL of the MONEY I DON’T HAVE! And, maybe we should’ve just gone to Shoney’s? Trent grabbed me, “Mae.” I’m not responding. “Mae!” He shouts and shakes me. Everyone is looking. “What’s wrong?” Trent makes everyone leave and get out of the kitchen.

My brother Brent comes in. “Maegan, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I shake my head. “I’ll be fine.”

“She had a panic attack. She’s fine now.” Trent says relieved.

The turkey is done at this point, I pull it out of the oven and put foil on it. I throw all of the casseroles in the oven to heat them up and I start cutting the potatoes. The next thing I know Trent goes over to the turkey and starts picking at it. He starts picking at it after he ate all those expensive Shrimp. Something in me at that moment snapped. I was holding the knife, and I put it to Trent’s chest, “Trent, if you touch that Turkey one more time, you’re gonna lose a hand!” Trent starts to laugh and then I started to laugh and I needed it! Sometimes, I really feel unappreciated! So, Brent comes in the kitchen as we are finishing up the potatos and gravy and shells and cheese. Brent asked if there was anything he could do. I started to laugh and I just said to hell with it! I am not my Grandma Stella! She could’ve fixed a feast without any help at all but I just can’t! “I need you to finish up the potatos.” I said, completely exasberated. I’m throwing everything on the table, one by one and Brent doesn’t really know what to say. I’m slicing the cranberries and he says, “Wow, you really went out! This a real fiest!” I start to chuckle, “It better be, I’ve been planning it for months now. ” “I’m really proud of you, Maegan. You’ve become a real Susie Homemaker.” “Rachael Ray!” Sheena chimes in. I roll my eyes, “Yeah, well I don’t feel like it, Grandma used to do all of this with NO ONE’S help!” Brent stops what he’s doing, “Maegan. Grandma did it for a million years. She also had people that brought their own casseroles over, and she had two ovens. Look at this fiest you cooked, ALL by yourself. We’re proud of you. And you got us all together, which isn’t the easiest thing to do since Dad died.” I finish placing all of the food on the table. Brent picks up his camera and starts taking pictures. “I just can’t get over this.” He says.

So, everyone comes in and we hol hand and Trent says grace and then he carves the turkey and everyone eats! There were things that I didn’t think of that I will have learned a lesson from this year. The Crab Rangoon was impeccable, and it was the best part of the meal. The turkey was FUCKING AMAZING! However, it is more of a dish that would be better for only adults.

Because I am extremely self depricating I would like to take the next part to talk about all of the things that coul’dve gone better and critique myself so I have something to remember for next year. With the turkey the adults seemed to like it, but the kids had A LOT of complaints about it being hot! A LOT! So, next year I’m probabluy going on the lighter side. I also will probably request that people bring their own side dishes. It is hard keeping them warm without burning them. Especially with one oven! Also, next year I want to focus on less dishes with cheese. I didn’t realize but pretty much every dish had cheese in it or on it! Maybe a little more diverity next year? What are your thoughts? This girl is open for suggestions!

After everyone had ate I couldn’t find Trent, I thought he was in the back passed out from eating all the turkey, He was in the back writing this,

“Been a good drama free day with my in-law’s. Besides the part where Mae threatened to stab me if I touched her Turkey until it was finished. I mean I saw the turkey, and I wanted to pick at it, and one thing led to another, and she just happened to be slicing the potatoes, and she held a knife to me and said, “If you touch this turkey one more time your gonna lose a hand!” I can’t help it, this woman knows her way around the kitchen! And those Crab Rangoon was GOOOOOOD! They were just like at a restaurant!  My wife is crazy and cool and I love our lives together. She worried for six weeks about this meal, and it can get really stressful when she worries so much, but I get it. She worries so no body else has to and there’s something beautiful about that. I’m so thankful for my wife.  Love you boo.”

I am extremely thankful for my life and the crazy people in it! Crazy beats crazy in this family and I love every second of it!

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Now or Never, The Story of My New Baby

So, my husband was really depressed over his brother being in a coma. Like, to the point where he wasn’t getting out of bed except to go to work.

Also, he was about to turn 30 and this was the first birthday he was going to have to spend without Travis.

Travis woke up, but Trent was still depressed and I couldn’t figure out why?

And then one night he woke me up, and he was REALLY drunk. And he starts talking about how so and so has a baby, can you believe it? They can barely take care of themselves? And, I thought I would be a Father by now? Or, I just can’t imagine not ever being a Father. Having someone that looks just like me.

And I started to cry. Because, while he had been keeping these things to himself,  I had already been thinking them to myself.

The truth is …

I want a baby so bad it hurts. I’ve lied to all of you for so long. I pretend like, “Oh! Babies? Me? Not even! Babies smell!”

The truth is, its my coping mechanism. Three years ago when I miscarried the twins, I thought I was going to lose myself. I stopped talking, I stopped leaving the house, I became obsessed with Guinea Pigs, and I stopper getting on Facebook completely!  I also haven’t gotten pregnant since then. And that wasn’t my first miscarriage.  So, why haven’t we been getting pregnant at all?

“You fucking think I don’t know that? You think I don’t want to be a mother? You don’t think it KILLS ME to see these stupid bitches get pregnant only for the photo op, and I have to sit here month   month trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with ME? My mom had four kids by the time she was 20! WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY AREN’T WE GETTING PREGNANT ANYMORE?”

And I fell on the floor holding my stomach, I cried, I pretended there was a baby in there just like when I was eight years old and I pretended I was going to be a mommy.

Trent came up from behind me and he held me. He cried too. “I love you.  I didn’t mean to bring it up.”
He said.

“No say it. Get it off your chest. Just know I’m thinking everything you are.”

Out of everyone we know it makes the most since that we have a baby, yet, we still don’t.  

The next day Trent and I sat next to each other quietly. So awkward neither of us could move. I made the first attempt.

“I…I have a plan.”

“What is that?”

“In three months when I get my insurance, I’m going to go see a specialist.  We are going to see if I have scar tissue in there from the other miscarriages, and I am going to buckle down with my weight. I have already lost thirty pounds, and I plan on losing even more. I am going to ask the doctor to put me on clomid and we are REALLY going to start trying. Its now or never.”

Trent shook his head in agreement.
“Its now or never.”

In the meantime, I figured I would start getting some practice and help Trent with his depression. Not what you think, though.

Trent’s favorite animals and best pets have always been pug mixes. I got on Owensboro Barter and Trade and surprisingly…I found a pug mix. His name is Chewy and he has been AMAZING! 
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I surprised Trent at work with him and he started to laugh and tear up. “He’s adorable, Maeviss!”

He LOVES Trent. Trent and I have him on a set schedule where we take him to the park, and we have a blast with him..

The truth is he really has taken to me. He follows me EVERYWHERE! I can’t even go to the bathroom without him watching me the whole time. And he wont let me leave for work in the morning! He sets in my lap the entire time while Trent drives me, and when I get out of the car he LOSES HIS MIND! Trent has to give him a treat because EVERYONE in the parking lot looks. And then Trent laughs and says, “He doesn’t do that to me when I go to work!”
I even set him up his own Facebook. He has a HUGE gay following!  He’s really nasty when he gets on there. Pretty political too ;-). He talks about skat and golden showers! He has a real potty mouth!

And I totally spoil him! I bought him a NIIICE house and I just LOVE him. So much that I cry as I think about how lucky we were for even finding him.

We go to get him neutered this week. I feel like its the proactive thing to do. I don’t intend on breeding him, and from my understanding pugs can actually get very sick and have breathing attacks if they get too excited.

So, that’s my new baby.
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This is him passed out on my father in-law’s foot. My father in law really doesn’t like animals,  but he took to Chewy! He was petting on him and holding him on his back and loving on him!
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Henry and I passed out after I got home from work.
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He passed out in my purse.
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He won’t even let me put him down in Kroger!
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This is him and Aisha the day we got him. She’s actually really good with small dogs. 
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This is Trent holding him. This is the happiest I’ve seen Trent in a while.
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Something I’ve been studying
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I just like this picture because he looks Stoic and like he really has something on his mind.
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Oh, wait, him passed out again!

The Humane Society is taking pictures on the 19th with Santa, Trent and I, and the dog. Pics to follow soon!

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The Tradegy That Occurred On Our Fifth Wedding Anniversary

I had picked out the perfect outfit. I had gotten my hair straightened,  and my nails done. I wanted to look perfect for him. My husband Trenton.

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Trent said he was taking me to my favorite restaurant The Miller House. Its the most expensive restaurant in town. Its well worth the amount of money you pay to eat there. Service is top notch and you get an AMAZING Appitizer called The Southern Sampler. It has fried cheese grits, fried green tomatoes, sweet potatoe chips, and delicious bree. The scenery is amazing and they play beautiful music in the back ground as you romantically hold hands. 

We were sitting there talking about our dreams for the next five years, we had ordered our tea and the southern sampler and it was all just -perfect.

And then –
Trent’s dad called. You see, Trent’s identical twin brother had been in surgery while we were there.

We had decided to go to the hospital and visit him the day before, so we could have our anniversary all to ourselves.  And we weren’t planning on coming to the surgery because, well, it was just a regular proceedure that they had done two other times that week.

It had gone fine the rest of the week. Heck, when Trent and I visited him the day before he was spelling people’s name on a piece of paper and he was VERY responsive.

We talked about their 30th birthday and how its about to be next month and Travis motioned that he wanted us all to get drunk.

So, we are sitting there at The Miller House and Trent answers his phone thinking that his dad is going to tell him that the surgery is over and they had him closed up.

Instead Mike told Trent he wad on his way to The Miller House and he needed to talk to him. I looked at my husband from across the table and I knew something was wrong. He had lost all the color in his face.

I started to cry and everyone in the restaurant was looking.  “Trent, ” I manage to muster from my throat. “What’s wrong, your starting to scare me…”

Trent hung up the phone and told the waiter he needed to pay because we had an emergency we had to take care of. He told me to go to the car.

I went outside and Mike was standing in front of the restaurant. 

Trent followed and the color still haden’t returned to his face.
Mike started,  “Travis had a really bad infection. They are putting him back into the ICU, they may or may not have to put in a trechea, and they putting him in a paralyzed coma.”

I stood there in shock. Trent fell on the ground in long deep sobs, “I know its scary son. Its okay to be scared, I am too.” Mike says.

We drove to the hospital. We waited until it was our turn to see him.

We walked into the ICU and we saw Travis. Trent held his hand, “Bubba, I need you to get better. We love you…” Trent broke down and started to cry.

We left the hospital around midnight.

We went to sleep and the next day we went to work and visited Travis at nine when we got off. Trent had dropped me off at the door and I actually went up to his room without Trent. Travis’ leg was hanging off the bed! I screamed for the nurse to get in there.
“Nurse! His leg is almost completely off the bed!” I said.
“Yeah, ” She says nonchalantly. “He’s been doing that all day.”

I pause for a moment, “Is that normal? With him supposed to be paralyzed and all?”

“We have given him as much pain sedatives as humanly possible,  he just keeps fighting it.”

I go and sit in the chair next to him. I hold his hand, “Hey buddy.” He opens up his eyes and opens his mouth. It looks like he’s trying to say something. It looks like he’s trying to say, “Help me!” I jump up startled. I sit back down and I grab hid hand.  “You’re okay Bubba. I need you to calm down and stop fighting this.”

I see Trent walking down the hall and I decide to keep it to myself what it looked like he had said.

Trent is holding his hand and I decide to give them a moment alone.

Trent meets back up with me at ten when visitation is over. He us just as disturbed as me at how restless he was.

I get home and talk to Dana.
“I’m a little fucked up after seeing Travis.”
“I know! Me too! It was like he was fighting it!”
Later on we are talking and she says that when she worked at the Nursing Home she only had three residents that had sepsis.
” None of them survived,” she said.
We talk about how he has his age on his side but each time we think something is going right, it has turned out horribly wrong. Should we be preparing ourselves for the worst? 

I go upstairs.

“Trent, we need to talk.” I say.
“Okay.” he responds. There is an awkward moment as if we ate both thinking the same thing but neither wants to say what that is.

“Trent. I think you need to get off from work tomorrow.  I am having a hard time processing my thoughts right now about this whole situation, so, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling with him being your twin brother. I don’t think working with the public is a good idea right now. I think you need to take tomorrow off and go be with him and…I think you need to really try and process what happening. Distractions at work are good, but after a while its going to hit you what’s happening, and you aren’t going to want to be there at that store.”

“What will we do about the bills? If I’m not working we can’t pay the bills.”
“Let me handle it Trent. I’ll pick up extra hours if I have to.”

Trent nods his head and says, “Travis opened his mouth when I was up there tonight like he was trying to say something …like he wad trying to say help me.”

“I know honey, he did that to me before you got in the room, I just thought it was my mind playing tricks on me!” I cried.

We both started to cry and hold each other and the release of the tears and of the uncertainty were the only thing that felt right in that moment.

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22 Things You Should Know About Me, Maegan Hagan.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Maegan Hagan, Mae to most people. I would like to take a few moments to tell you what this blog is about.

1. I am scared of the color red

2. I watch E! News ALL the time!

3. I have a half pug/half shitzoo named Henry Chewy Barka Hagan, and a half pug/half Chihuahua named Stella.

4.My mom died when I was 14. She was a manic depressed and had a lot of health issues.

5. I am a 3rd generation tarot reader. I specialize in dates times, and pregnancies. I can smell it on a person. Also, I can tell if a person has just had sex. Lol, and other stuff. Like if someone is lying to me. Some people call me a psychic.

6. I hate the term psychic.

7.In my head, I am a reall down to Earth girl. But anyone I have ever dated says I’m super high maintenance.

8. My Dad was my best friend in the entire world.

9. When I’m alone I do REALLY weird things! For example, I LOVE standing in front of a mirror and pretending I’m being interviewed by E! News! I also dance and sing at the top of my lungs!

10. I LOVE Lady Gaga!

11.I Love my family and my best friend Kristal Kimbley

12. My favorite movies are Rent, Funny Girl, and The Way We Were

13.I am a writer. I am in the middle of trying to be published, and it has gotten kind of ugly.

14. I’m VERY close to my sister in law Dana. She is probably one of the closest people in my life. As weird as it sounds, she is the closest thing I have ever had to a mother.

15. I was brutally attacked when I was 15 walking home from school. I had to have my jaw reconstructed and wired shut.

16. One of my favorite writers is Chompsky

17. I collect interesting and new people. If I can’t find anything interesting about you- I won’t talk to you!

18. My favorite television show was How I Met Your Mother.

19. I have been married to my best friend, Trenton Hagan for seven years now. When I met Trent it was like gravity pulled me toward him. It was like I had already known him. To this day he said he remembers thinking the same thing about me.

20. I REALLY like Tequilla!

21. I truly ENJOY helping people out!

22. I once met Bill Clinton, and he thanked me for the work I did with The Kentucky Democratic Party.

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