Category Archives: Marriage

Trenton Bugs Out

Chapter 3: Trenton Bugs Out

Trent with Chewy in the basket! Yes, that's our Maybe Baby!

Trent with Chewy in the basket lookin like ET!

“If I don’t have coupons, I can’t buy anything!” Mae protested. “Please give me the scissors!”

Trenton gave Mae a tired laugh but held the scissors out of her reach. “Tell me you love me.” He grinned.

“I love you, ya dumbass, now give me the scissors.”

Trent handed them over and received a kiss for ransom. “I’m heading straight for the shower. You wouldn’t believe the day I had.”

He went into the bedroom and emptied his pockets onto his dresser. He yelled over his shoulder back at Mae. “Raul thought he’d be funny and loosened the cap on the bulk jug of red curry. Guess how many gallons of house dressing we had to make to balance out about a cup of the stuff.”

“No idea,” she yelled back.

“Well, considering that we use about a tablespoon per gallon… ” He grabbed a towel from the linen shelf, flung it over his shoulder and went into the bathroom.

“How many?” Mae snipped a coupon for buy-one-get-one-free rotini pasta (limit 12) and set it aside just in case she found a better one.

“Sixteen!” Trenton turned on the hot water and eased his tired muscles under the shower head.

Mae came in with a Pennysaver and her scissors. “Sixteen gallons of dressing?”

“Yeah,” Trent said between soapy splashes. “We won’t be able to use it all. Wouldn’t go through that much before it started going bad. Gonna donate it to a shelter or something.”

“Gonna give’m the lettuce and tomatoes to make the salad too?” Mae quipped.

“I don’t know. I’m sure it’ll work out.”

“Sixteen gallons of dressing,” Mae said with a laugh.

“Can’t hear you!” Trenton had shampoo and soap and hot water running everywhere.

“I said,” Mae yelled, “sixteen gallons of…. OH MY GOD THAT IS SUCH A WEIRD-LOOKING BUG!”

“BUG??” Trenton’s irrational fear of anything with six or more legs overcame his rational need to remain upright, and he lifted a leg to flee the tub. The problem was, his face and beard were covered in soapy water, and the floor of the tub was too.

Before Mae could explain the full situation, Trent was feet up and butt down, and in spite of a probable broken rib, Mae burst out laughing.

“I know it’s not funny, but are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay,” Trent painfully pulled himself up and wiped the soap from his eyes. He stepped very carefully out of the tub, and looked at Mae’s strange bug.

“It’s just this weird ant,” said Mae. “Look, really.”

Trenton’s breath hitched from the pain in his side. “I just fell over a fucking ANT?”

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry isn’t going to make this day any better.” He stepped back in the shower. “Had to go in early because the prep guy called in sick, had to stay late because Raul had to be a prankster, now I think I -*ow!*- broke a rib over a…” He leaned out of the shower to drive his point home to Mae face to face. “Because of a freakin’ ANT!”

On the word ‘ant’, Trent’s enthusiasm got a little too much momentum going, and he lost his balance. This time, he managed to pull a disco twirl and almost did the splits before falling (again) on his side (again) and cracking a rib (if not before, then now, again).

Mae rushed to the tub and turned off the water. “Trent! Are you okay?”

He moaned out, “Not really,” before refusing to talk in exchange for focusing on trying to breathe without too much excruciating pain. He pointed to his side and mouthed, “Broke.”

“Shit,” was all Mae had to say. She stood up and looked at her naked husband laying in the tub, covered in soap and water, and holding his side. She bit her lip; she covered her mouth; she even held her nose to see if that would help, but no. She started laughing again.

“You know I’m going to have to get someone to help you out of there and get you to the urgent care, right?”

Trenton rolled his eyes and sent telepathic messages to his dear wife that she’d better stop laughing and just get him some help.

“I’ll call Steve; be right back.”

***

Trent lay in his recliner, and Mae brought him some sweet tea. “Thanks, babe.”

“I’m sorry I laughed, but it was funny.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“How are the pain pills working?” Mae put an afghan over his legs and stroked his forehead. “Is the pain better?”

Trenton nodded. “A bit. Hurts like hell to breathe though.”

“Just relax. I’ll take good care of ya.”

A knock at the door called Mae away. She opened the door and Darlene ran right in.

“I heard about poor Trent. Is he gonna be all right?” Darlene looked around. “Where is he? I wanna tell him to get well soon.”

Mae held on to Darlene’s arm. “He’s resting. Tomorrow might be better.”

“But we just got back from our camping trip at the river, and heard the news, and I came right over. Can’t I just see him a minute?”

“What is it you really want, Darlene?”

“Well,” Darlene gave Mae a sheepish smile, “if it’s not too much trouble, I was wondering if he’d sell me a couple of his pain pills. What’d he get? Oxycodone? Tramadol? Vicodin?”

“He’s in a lot of pain and needs his meds.”

“Oh I’m sure he’ll feel better by tomorrow. Maybe he could spare one or two just for tonight. How about twenty dollars?”

“Darlene.” Mae put her hands on her hips.

“You don’t have to get uppity about it. I just came over to wish him a speedy recovery.”

“Yup.”

“Well, if he changes his mind…”

“Bye, Darlene.” Mae helped her out the door and shut it. “Ugh. Sometimes that woman…”

“Who was it?” Trenton’s painful voice came from the next room.

Mae walked in to him. “Darlene. She wants to buy your pain pills.”

“Figures. Thought she and Randy were camping.”

“Me too. She said they just got back tonight. Anyway, she said to tell you she wishes you a speedy recovery.”

“And my pills.”

They shared a laugh and the door rattled with another knock.

“If that’s her again, I won’t be responsible for my actions,” Mae said and stormed off to the front door.

Steve and Ruth stood there. Ruth held a casserole, and Steve held a stack of magazines.

“Oh, it’s you. Come on in.” Mae opened the door all the way. “He’s in there.” She pointed Steve in the right direction while she and Ruth went to the kitchen.

***

“Hey, man. You look okay to me. Wanna go toss some shoes?” Steve sat down near Trent and put the magazines in his lap.

“Very funny.”

“It was when I got you out of the tub.”

“Oh god, don’t remind me.”

“You’re sexy when you’re naked and wet.” Steve barely kept a straight face.

“If I could move, I’d break your ribs!” Trenton groaned and looked at the magazines.

“I thought you could use something to keep you occupied while you’re fixin’ up.” Steve pointed to the one on top. “That one’s from the barbershop I go to. I haven’t looked in it, but it’s got some travel stuff. Thought you might like it.”

Trenton shuffled through the stack of magazines. “Better Homes & Gardens?”

“Well, that one was from Ruth.”

They heard a knock at the door and Mae’s voice answering. From the other room they heard her say, “I guess so. Come on.”

Maggie and Rob squeezed into the room.

“Oh you poor thing,” Maggie said. “Here. I fixed up some liniment from my grandma’s recipe. It’ll help heal those ribs up in no time. Rub it on three times a day.”

Trent took the small jar and opened it. His nose didn’t get within ten inches before being assaulted by a spicy odor more pungent than a cup of red curry. He slammed the lid back on. “Thanks, Maggie.”

“We just wanted to tell you to get better soon, and if you need anything, just holler.” Rob held his hand out as if to shake with Trent, but Trent just looked at it and gave Rob a look that said, ‘really?’ Rob’s hand went awkwardly to his side. “Uh, well, I guess we’ll go and let you recuperate. Call us, okay?”

“Okay, will do,” Trent said through clenched teeth. “Damn this hurts.”

As Maggie and Rob left, Darlene went right in past them into Trent’s recovery room. “Hey, Trent, I’m so sorry to hear about your accident, and I was just wondering if…”

“Darlene Wheelock, get on back home!” Mae stormed in and pointed to the door.

“Come on, I just want to ask one little question.” She turned to Trent. “How about twenty dollars?”

Trent’s eyes widened. “What the hell?”

“The answer is no; now get on home before I call Randy to come drag you home!” Mae was in her war stance: hands on hips, feet apart, head down, and eyes full of fire.

“Thirty?”

Mae grabbed Darlene by the arm and dragged her to the door.

“Thirty-five, and that’s my final offer!” She hollered up the steps as she was being put down them.

“I’m sorry, but your account is no longer in good standing, and your transaction has been declined,” Mae said, and shut the door in Darlene’s face.

“What was she on about?” Trent asked.

“Guess.” Mae looked at the prescription bottle on the table.

Steve, Ruth, and Trent, all at once rolled their eyes and said, “Ohhh. Yeah.”

“We’d better be going too. Call me.” Ruth gave Mae a little hug and patted Trent’s arm.

“See ya, buddy. But not like I saw you this afternoon. Ever. I hope.” Steve saluted Trent, and he and Ruth went out the door.

Mae locked it and turned out the porch light.

As they got into bed, Mae turned to Trent and kissed his cheek. “Sixteen gallons, huh?”

They grinned, and Trent grunted.

“Shut up. I love you.”

“Love you too. ‘Night.”

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Chapter Two: Maegan Hagan’s Most Wanted

****Author’s Note** I will be releasing a new chapter every Wednesday and Thursday. Please let me know what you think in the comments section of the blog!

town

Chapter Two: Maegan Hagan’s Most Wanted

Mae met Huck on a Thursday. She remembered because Thursdays always seemed to not quite fit in with the rest of her week. Mondays were easy to understand; they consisted of coffee and data entry at work . Tuesdays and Wednesdays were business as usual. Fridays were the light at the end of her workweek tunnel, but Thursdays? Thursdays were too close to Friday and too far from Monday. This particular Thursday, she came home from working all day at the bank and pulled into the driveway, noticing a strange man mowing Steve and Ruth’s yard next door.

Ruth came out of her trailer, drying her hands with a dish towel. “Hey, bestie! How was your day?”

The friends gave each other a quick hug. Mae shrugged and said, “It was Thursday.”

Ruth laughed, “Oh yeah, I forgot about Thursdays.”

“Who’s the guy doing your yard?” Mae nodded at the scruffy-haired, shirtless, skinny man who had to pause every four steps to pull up his sagging jeans.

Ruth rolled her eyes. “That’s Huck. He’s a friend of a friend of my brother’s cousin. They asked if he could stay with us for a while. His old lady kicked him out, and he needed a place to stay until he gets on his feet.”

“Get on his feet? How old is he?”

“Forty” Ruth laughed and said sheepishly. “I know, not a kid. But they said he was a good guy, and I couldn’t stand thinking that I could be responsible for him being homeless if we didn’t help.”

“Ruth, sometimes your heart is way too big,” Mae laughed. “Well, maybe we can have him mow for us too. I have to get in now, though. Trenton is working a little late, so I’m going to start dinner.”

“Oh hey, how about we just grub it together tonight? We’ll bring the meat and a jug of sweet tea. You’ll get to meet Huck, too.”

“That would be awesome. I’ll toss up a salad and whip up some tater salad. I think we have some PBR in the fridge. I’ll bring that too.”

The ladies performed their ritual high five followed by a hip bump and wink. “See you around seven, then?”

“Sounds great.”

***

“Trenton, if you had a pet name for me, what would it be?” Mae rolled over in bed and snuggled up against him.

“Huh?”

“Well, like Ruth’s friend out there tonight. Said his name is Huck. I’m guessing short for Huckleberry or something. Funny name, but anyway, what would you nickname me?”

Trenton rolled over and Mae reached up and scratched his bearded chin. “I would call you… Fluffy.”

“Fluffy?” Mae sat up and put her hands on her hips. “I’m not a dog.!”

Trenton sat up and put his arms around her and pulled her back to bed. “Nope. You’re not. But I like your fluffy, round ass.”

He gave her a light smack on her fluffiness, and she giggled, pulled the covers over their heads, and snuggled her fluffiness against her favorite bearded man.

***

“Did you hear about Ace National? They were robbed just a while ago.”

Mae turned to her coworker, Cheyenne. “No. Like, just today?”

“Yeah. The guy got away, too” Cheyenne said matter-of-factly. She then slammed a stack of files down in her cube. Mae had a nagging feeling in her stomach, and something told her to turn on the news. Mae always had a weird sixth sense that no one, (not even herself,) understood. “This is a camera shot of the man who robbed Ace this morning. As usual, it’s a little fuzzy, but his face is fairly clear. Take a good look and call our anonymous tip line if you have any information regarding this robbery.”

Mae looked at the news footage. She looked at the video on the screen and thought the man looked familiar, but in her position, she’d seen every facial shape hundreds of times. Suddenly it hit her-it was Huck.

***

Mae and Ruth sat at the fire pit, sipping sweet tea and catching up on their day. “All I can say is T.G.I.F.!”

Trenton and Steve left their man-huddle on Steve’s stoop. Trenton grabbed the spikes and horseshoes from the Rubbermaid chest behind his trailer, and Steve and Ruth stood in the places where Trenton could hammer the spikes into the ground.

“You know what’s kind of funny?” Mae asked Trenton while she swung a horseshoe to within half a foot of the spike in front of Ruth.

“I can think of a few things,” he said.

“I saw the news with the security cameras at Ace. The guy reminded me of Huck a little.” She tossed a ringer, clapped her hands and put them up in the air. “Yes!”

“Lucky shot,” Ruth teased. “Not surprising. Huck looks like every other freeloader.” She chuckled and picked up the shoes.

“No, really. The more I think about it, the more I really think it was him.”

“Mae, you been drinking Mad Dog 20/20 again?” Steve elbowed Mae at the joke and laughed.

“Nooo. And don’t crack about diabetes from the sugar in my tea, either.”

Trenton stood behind their stake. “If you look at anyone long enough, they start to look familiar, hon. That’s all. It’s just a coincidence.”

“Besides,” Ruth said, “I LIVE with the guy and even I think it was someone else.”

“Just toss, will ya?” Mae played the game, but in her mind she was certain of two things-two plus two is four, AND HUCK ROBBED ACE NATIONAL BANK!

“One more round, then I’ve got to eat something,” Steve said.

Just then, a little Honda Civic pulled up, and a driver in a red shirt and a blue cap got out and carried an armful of pizzas over to them.

“Here ya go. Where do you want’em?”

They heard the trailer door slam, and Huck came out sporting a nice haircut. He joined the group and pulled out a shiny, new leather wallet attached by a long silver chain to his brand new jeans. “I got this. How much?”

“Fifty-seven forty-five.”

“Here’s eighty. Keep the change.”

The driver grinned and thanked him then ran back to his car and took off.

“Y’all have been so nice to me, I thought I’d buy dinner tonight. Anybody hungry?” He set the pizzas on the patio table.

Mae shot a knowing look at Trenton as everyone walked over to the table and whispered, “Still think it’s just a coincidence?”

“Mae, he’s been doing odd jobs; probably got paid cash.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Check this out, y’all. He got the one with hot sauce!” Steve piled a paper plate with several pieces.

***

“Mae, if you’re so sure, why don’t you call someone?” Trenton’s words bubbled from his lips and dripped on his beard as he brushed his teeth before bed.

“Didn’t your momma ever teach you not to snitch?” Mae chuckled and said, “Besides, what if I am wrong.” She towel-dried her face and lightly stroked her night cream on – using the ring fingers because they are the weakest fingers and won’t pull at the skin as much as the others – as she’d been taught by her Mary Kay lady.

“There ya go.” Trenton spit into the sink. “By morning, the two faces will look so different, you’ll wonder why you ever had the thought in the first place.” He walked to the bedroom.

Mae followed. “I still think it’s him.”

“Stubborn.”

“Yep.”

“Love you. Good night.”

“Love you too.” Mae turned off the lamp on her nightstand and whispered, “It’s him.”

She heard Trenton laugh under his breath just before she fell asleep.

In the morning, she slapped her hand on the alarm clock to make it stop blaring. Through blurry eyes she looked at the lighted display.

“Five thirty-two?!” She realized that her alarm was not going off, but several sirens were blaring outside her window. “Trenton! Get up!”

He shot up, straight as a board. “What the heck?”

They ran to the window and squished against each other, vying for the best view.

Outside, no less than five police cars had surrounded their area in the trailer park. Armed police officers, weapons drawn, stood at key locations, vigilantly watching for any trouble.

Trenton and Mae went down the hall to the living room window, and looked at Steve and Ruth’s trailer. One officer stood at their open door while another walked out of the trailer holding Huck by the elbow. Huck walked out with his head hung low and his hands cuffed behind his back.

Mae gave Trenton a love slap on his shoulder. “Told you.”

“I shall never doubt you again.” He kissed her on the top of her head. “I don’t think we’re going back to sleep; what would you like for breakfast?”

“I know what you should eat,” Mae said with a coy, teasing voice. She leaned up and brushed her cheek against his beard and whispered in his ear. “Crow soup.” Mae took off back to the bedroom.

“Hey, you!”

Trenton gave chase and caught her with enough momentum to send them flying onto the bed, laughing. “Only in Owensboro,” he said, and pulled the covers over their heads.

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Chapter One: Town and Country Mobile Home

**Author’s Note** I am going to be giving you all a glimpse of my new Ebook over the next few weeks and I would love your input and FEEDBACK! Thank ya’ll so much!**

Chapter One: Town and Country Mobile Home

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a double-wide at the Town and Country Mobile Home Park with a great big fire pit in the back yard. Mae and Trenton picked it out partly because they wanted to live without the stresses of the city, and partly because they just liked trailer parks – and the people who lived in them. It’s inevitable that the residents eventually develop a close sense of camaraderie after living behind paper-thin walls within twelve feet of each other. There are few secrets, lots of gossip, and the occasional block party down at the fire pit.

Since Trenton was a chef, the neighbors mostly expected him to provide some sort of exotic kebab or a new kind of corn dog. Mae was really good with logistics and made sure the tables and pot luck containers were arranged logically and kept the food line moving in the right direction. She also made sure that Rob and Maggie weren’t sitting too close to Randy and Darlene (Rob’s truck ran over Darlene’s gazing ball and he won’t replace it). Mae made sure that she and Trenton sat near Steve and Ruth, though. Ever since moving in, Mae and Ruth bonded like sisters.

One morning the trailer park sisters lounged in their lawn chairs watching the Stanton kids dig holes in Debbie Wheelock’s flower patch across the street.

“Bet you one peach cobbler that Debbie melts into a sobbing, incoherent puddle when she sees that.” Mae took a sip of her iced tea and whispered, “She’s close to that time, you know.”

“Oh yeah?” Ruth raised her chin and scrutinized the damage the boys were doing. “I’ll see your peach cobbler and raise you a breakfast casserole that she goes on a red-faced rampage. Remember what she did to Chuck last month?”

Mae choked on her tea. “Holy crap, who could forget. She stabbed his tire with a paring knife just because his wheel was turned into their trailer skirt. One little skid mark, and she totally lost it.”

“My Steve has a temper but nothing like that. I mean, we fight sometimes, but then,” she leaned closer to Mae, “the making up is awesome. The man knows how to make romance, for sure.”

They laughed and sipped their tea, and Mae sighed. “I wish Trenton would get a little more romantic. I don’t mean that he’s not, it’s just that he plays around a lot. It’s fun and everything, but sometimes I wish he’d get down and dirty seriously romantic. You know, just sweep me off my feet kind of thing.”

“Trouble in paradise?”

“Nah. Nothing like that – we’re great. Maybe I’ve just been watching too much Hallmark channel.” They laughed while across the street, the boys made mud pies and decorated them with Debbie’s violets.

***

“Mae and Trenton have hit the doldrums,” Ruth said.

Steve’s eyes appeared over his newspaper, and he raised his eyebrows. “They’re having problems?”

“Not problems, exactly, just a dry patch. They’ll be fine. Mae just feels like she’s being a little neglected and needs some special treatment.” Ruth grinned and batted her eyelashes at Steve. “You know. Like women do sometimes.”

Steve lowered his eyes and worried about his friends.

***

“…so Ruth said Mae and Trenton are having marital problems, and I’m kinda worried.” Steve grunted as he hefted a sack of cement into the mixer at work.

Chuck frowned. “Aw, not them. They’re the nicest couple I know… present company excepted.”

Steve grinned. “Yep. I know how to keep my woman happy.”

“You think maybe Trenton lost interest? Maybe even seeing someone else?”

“He wouldn’t,” said Steve.

The two men nodded, but the worry lines on their foreheads folded a little deeper.

***

Chuck’s fork was in his hand even before Debbie laid out his plate of spaghetti and meatballs. “I’m starved, thanks, Hon.” He slurped some steaming pasta. “This is great.”

Debbie glared across the table, waiting for him to eat so she could tell him to find out who ruined her violet patch and take out some trailer park justice; an eye for an eye.

“I also got some bad news about Mae and Trenton. They’re having some trouble. If it’s bad enough, they might get a divorce, even.”

“No! Are you sure?”

“Yeah. seems Mae has just gotten bored and Trenton is looking elsewhere.”

Debbie forgot about her violets. “Sweetie, I’m not really hungry. I’m going for a walk. Don’t worry about the dishes; I’ll get them when I get back.”

She took off her apron, grabbed her cigarettes and lighter and flitted out the door.

***

Maggie had just put her dinner dishes away when a loud rapping on her door startled her. She wasn’t expecting anyone, and had a good mind to remind whoever it was that good manners never go out of style.

Debbie stood outside Maggie’s door and banged on it again. The wooden plaque decorated with a filigree of vines and roses surrounding the name, “Stanton” did a jig in time with Debbie’s knocking.

“I just had to come see you. I’ve got a prayer request that just cannot wait.” Debbie stepped up and into the door, right across Maggie, and into the living room.

Maggie quickly followed. ‘Prayer request’ was a code that meant there was some juicy gossip to share ‘out of concern’ for someone. “Oh dear. Have a seat, I’ll get us some sweet tea.”

She set about, placing coasters on the coffee table and serving tall glasses of sweet tea with ice, garnished with a sprig of mint from her own window box. “Tell me all about it; what can I do?”

“Well, it looks like Mae and Trenton are going to get a divorce. I just thought you’d like to keep them in your prayers.” Debbie grabbed her glass and chugged.

Maggie raised her glass with a pinkie in the air. “I will surely pray for her! And Trenton, of course. I’m sure it’s mostly his fault anyway, make a joke of things so much.”

Debbie leaned closer. “I heard he’s seeing another woman.”

Maggie let out a huge gasp then regained her poise and slammed her mouth shut. She took a dainty sip of tea. “Oh dear. Poor Mae. I have an idea. Go get Chuck, I’ll grab Rob, and we’ll set up something special for her and Trenton. You know, a sexy, romantic evening with no interruptions.”

“That’s it! See you in a bit.”

***

The sun had just set when Trenton came home to see the fire pit behind his trailer decked out in Christmas lights. A stunning bonfire danced in the pit, and his patio table wore a full dress-dinner outfit including a checkered tablecloth, two lit candles, and a small basket in the middle holding a loaf of Bunny Bread and a bottle of Purple Cowboy wine, the “Tenacious Red” one.

He walked in the trailer and saw Mae laying on the couch. “Hey,” he shook her by the shoulder, “what did you do that to the fire pit for? Did I forget our anniversary or something?”

Mae rose and rubbed her eyes. “What are you talking about?”

Trenton went to the window and pointed outside. Mae took a look then ran outside. Trenton changed out of his chef’s tunic into a comfy, flannel shirt and followed.

“What… is this even our house?” Mae made an uncomfortable laugh.

Chuck walked up and bowed. “Will the lady and gentleman please follow me? Your table is ready.” He swept an open hand toward the patio table. He led the way and pulled out a lawn chair for Mae. The couple looked at each other and shrugged then sat down.

“Don’t worry, buddy, we got your back,” Chuck whispered to Trenton, patted him on the shoulder and walked away.

Maggie slipped in next to Mae. “Hey, Sweetie. We all love ya, and we won’t let anything come between y’all.” She picked up the wine bottle, pulled out the cork and offered it to Trenton.

He shrugged, sniffed the cork and nodded. He gave a confused glance to Mae as Maggie poured the wine, made an awkward curtsy and left.

Debbie walked up and lay a platter of spaghetti and meatballs in front of the perplexed couple. She put one of her finest Chinet dinner plates in front of Trenton and glared at him with hell fire in her eyes. She turned to Mae and with a sympathetic look, placed her plate. “I swear, Darlin’. If he don’t treat you right, you let me know. I’m here for you.”

Debbie dished up the spaghetti with a flourish as long as the pasta. “I hope y’all don’t mind; this was me and Chuck’s dinner, so I had to reheat it. It’s really good though; I used sausage in the meatballs tonight. Enjoy!”

When Debbie left, Mae and Trenton looked at each other for a moment then burst out laughing.

“What are we supposed to do now?” Chuck asked and reached for the Parmesan.

“I think we’re supposed to eat?” Mae looked around and saw Chuck, Debbie, Steve, and Maggie peeking around the corner of their trailer. “Or put on a show for our hosts?” She stood up and hollered. “Y’all get out here right now!”

The four friends timidly stepped over to the table.

“What in the Sam Hill are y’all doing to us?”

Maggie cleared her throat and cast a guilty look at Debbie who gave one to Chuck who passed it along to Steve who hung his head and glanced at his wife, Ruth.

Ruth looked at Mae with eyes full of love. “You two mean so much to us. We love you both so much, and we don’t want to lose either one of you. We, all of us, thought a romantic, candlelight dinner would help, so here we are.”

Steve said, “Yeah, Trenton, you are always there for us, and Mae, you make the neighborhood potlucks the best in the county.”

“And if you go gallavantin’ off with someone else, so help me…” Debbie shut up and winced when Chuck pinched her arm.

“What she means is, this place wouldn’t be the same without you, and just wanted to help you find that love that got you two together in the first place.”

The group nodded with sad, concerned faces.

Trenton laughed. “You thought me and Mae—”

“—were going to break up?” Mae finished. She looked at Trenton, and he at her. They burst out laughing again. “You silly, wonderful people.”

Trenton waved the group over. “Come here, ya’ll.” He lined them up and paced in front of them like a general to his troops. “I want you to know I would fight to the death for this woman.”

Behind him, Mae yelled, “Me too! For you, that is!”

He continued. “You idiots have acted very…” he paused and stroked his beard, “…sweetly.” He laughed. “You’re crazy, you know that? That’s why we love y’all too.”

Mae came up and gathered everyone together. “Group hug!”

After the hugging and a little crying, Trenton said, “Okay, who’s got the beer?”

Steve raised his hand and ran across the street.

Mae looked at the women and said, “Who’s got some tortilla chips and salsa sitting around?”

Maggie smiled and ran home.

The conversations and friendship around the fire pit that night was the best they’d had in a long time. You see, money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer and chips. And when you combine those with good friends and a double-wide in Owensboro, it’s all priceless.

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That’s all for now, folks! Remember, the good stuff goes in my book! I have a few more chapter’s being released to you first, exclusively. We got run in’s with a bank robber, sex, (a TON of sex,) and way more fun stuff! Tell me what you think in the comments section of my blog!

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Most Superheros Are

Trent's Gift To Me

Trent’s Gift To Me

Today, I posted a picture to my Instagram account, and the picture is something that is a very personal story for me and I thought it was important to share, because when I am sick, I sometimes feel like giving up. The story behind this is I have Parkinson’s Disease and sometimes I have falling spells. Sometimes they are big. I was having a morning where everything seemed kind of off balance.

I fell when I got out of bed, and I went through our bedroom wall.

We were waiting for it to be fixed, but in the meantime, it was just THERE and it stared back at me everyday. Nagging at me. You did this! You did this!  Each this rolling off my tongue like a snake hissing at it’s prey. One day I cried out, “Why can’t someone just relieve me of my suffering?!?!? “

My husband saw me staring at it one day. The next day I saw a piece of wood over the hole. With the message that read, “When you’re truly awesome you know that it is actually a burden, and wish day after day to be relieved of such a curse. Think of about 95% of superheroes.” After seeing that I refused to get the wall fixed. The wall is symbolic of so much more than anything I could ever some up in this blog post. 

Sometimes in life you fall, and there is a mess afterwards, but you have to get the fuck back up! I have a lot of people out here watching me and rooting for me, and even some are just waiting and begging and praying I fail! I might be flawed like a mother f**ker but most superheroes are!

**Author’s Note:

If you would like to add me on Facebook please do! And my Instagram is @Live4Hope I am a great friend and I love meeting new people and hearing their story!

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Maegan Hagan Visit’s Jimmy John’s

Jimmy John's Fresh Sandwhich

Jimmy John’s Fresh Sandwhich

Let’s talk about Jimmy John’s Owensboro! Okay, so on two separate occasions I was almost in a car wreck over Jimmy John’s. The first time my beautiful and smart sister in law was driving me to the grocery store. She looked to the right on Frederica and said, “Oh my God! Jimmy John’s!” She got so excited she swerved the car! Okay! So, my first responses was, “Really?!? You almost killed us over a restaurant?!?” And she said, “No. You don’t get it. It’s Jimmy Johns!” I said, “What the f*&f is Jimmy Johns?!?” And she goes on to tell this long story about when she lived in Indy she would eat at. I was like…okay. That’s cool.
…The next day I’m in the car with Trent. Her brother and my husband. He is driving me to Starbucks’s AND HE DOES THE SAME THING! So, now I’ve almost died twice over some damn sandwiches. I said, “What is up with this family and this restaurant?!?”

So, I’m at work this last Friday and my best friend at work Sara wouldn’t stop talking about it! I mean she was going on about how great they are and how they deliver. At one point I was thinking, “Has Jim John’s hired you as a spokesperson? I mean are you being paid to endorse their sandwiches?”

So, today I leave my doctors office and my doctor had just gotten Jimmy Johns delivered. So, I left. And I don’t know why but I was like, “I’m going to go try it!”

I pull up to the restaurant and I’m mad anyways! Jimmy John’s was so packed we had to park across the street! I was talking to myself and everything! I was saying, “Damn sandwich It can’t be THAT great! I mean what’s so great about it? They put crack in it?!?’

Trent grabs my hand and says, “Mae. I promise you’ll get it. Please come on this journey of the mouth with me!”

We go inside and it is PACKED! The thing that immediately put a huge smile on my face was…they have a LOT of people working there. Like, there were at least twelve people working in a very tiny space. I was thinking, “I’m sold.” Owensboro needs this. That put a huge smile on my face. I mean the holidays are coming up and people need jobs. My total came to 10.52 for 2 number 2 big John’s. I was glad to pay. They got our sand which done HELLA fast! I mean like 2 minutes! The sand which was AMAZING! I mean it was SO fresh and the bread was like heaven! I’m sold, Owensboro! I’m sold!

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A Conversation Between Trent and I at Two in The Morning

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Me to Trent at two in the morning:Hey! Wake up!

Trent:…..What? **grumbles**

Me: Do you love our lives together?

Trent: Yes,(half asleep,).

Me: Fine. Whatever. Nevermind. **sighs**

Trent: **sits up in bed and turns the lights on** Yes I LOVE our lives together! I love our home! I love Henry! I love Stella! I love YOU! We may not have much, but it’s ours…

Me: …Is this what you imagined your life like when you were a little boy?

Trent: No! Little boys don’t think that far in the future! I wanted to drive the street sweeper! BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME! ….What did you want to be when you grew up?

Me: The princess and the pea.

Trent: GO FIGURE!
…You’re my princess. You’re kingdom might not be vast as you expected, but you still are the princess of the court…Now go to sleep.

Me: I can’t… I think there is a pea under this mattress.

Trent: GAH!

#TrentandMae #Ourlifetogether #MaeganHagan #TrentonHagan #life#marriage

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The Shitty Tuesday Blues

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I had a really bad stomach ache Monday and I couldn’t go to the bathroom.
So, Trent has me take a whole sleeve of chocolate laxatives, and I did because I was thinking that was the normal amount!

It was DOUBLE what I was supposed to take!
In fact, it was the entire box!

So here I sm shitting myself to death pretty consecutively from 6:30 am till 8am this morning.

So, I finally get some sleep and I wake up and go to work…

Thirty minutes in I didn’t make it to the bathroom! I shit ALL over myself!

I am totally going to get Trent back! He isn’t going to even see it coming!

But, first I need to rehydrate….

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Taking Applications For Best Friends

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Taking applications for best fucking friends forever ….
1. Must be able to say the alphabet backwards if we’re ever in a jam.
2. Must be able to carry on long, deep conversations with substance, and then not have to say anything at all next.
3. Must know how to have a good time, but not party everyday. Everyday is not a party, and I already know plenty of people like this.
4. Must be willing to let me help you if you get in a bind, and do the same for me in return.
5. Must love gays, (extra bonus points if you are,).
6. Must be willing to go to at least one concert a year with me.
7. Can NOT get jealous of the relationship I have with my husband, and I will be understanding and patient with your kids if you do have any. Also, I will love them and play an active role in their lives.
9. Must NOT throw shade at me out in public or on social media. If at any time you throw shade you must be prepared to throw hands.

These are just a few rules, all applicants may respond to me in message format if you think you meet the requirements.

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Change Began With Me

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I have a new and interesting way that helps me save money. Every time I get my check cashed I ask for twenty dollars in quarters back.
I have a chosen a giant sized piggy bank crayon that I found from Salvation Army.
From there I have glued and taped the top of the crayon together.
So, when I start to feel temped, (trust me-I do!) I just don’t mess with it because 1. I have tape on the top, and 2. I think about how I would have to roll the quarters back up and realize it’s just a pain in the ass.
After a few weeks I already have almost a hundred dollars saved up just for something for me that has nothing to do with the new house! 
It sounds silly but let me know if it helps you!

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The Red Truck

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So Trent was driving me to work today and we got stuck in traffic. We got stuck next to a really old red truck. Trent and I had been squabbling about something really stupid. Something about how I’m always running late. The man and woman in the red truck were also arguing. Rather loudly.

“I try honey! I swear! I Try!  On and on and on it never ENDS!”

Trent and I looked at each other and immediately started to laugh.

Trent starts to mimic the guy.
“Gaaah! I try to get along, but you just have to get up everyday!”

The coupled  looks over and realized Trent was poking fun.

I laughed,  shrugged my shoulders, and said, “Married life- Can’t live without them and you come up with more creative ways to kill them everyday!”

They looked at each other and realized how ridiculous they were being. I watch the wife mouth, “I’m sorry.” The husband smiled and we pulled away.

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The Adventures of The Traveling Vibrator


Let me say, I know that I am not the only person to have an embarrassing Sex Toy story.

Steve Irwin was what my friend Janet had named her vibrator. She would have these long drawn out fantasies about how she would go on these adventures with The Crocodile Hunter. She would help him catch a crocodile,  and then he would pin her up against a wall, and then just plow the fuck out of her! Later, my friend would say that she went into a severe depression for days after he had been killed. She would go on to retire Steve Irwin, saying, “It just isn’t the same.”

Before,he so tragically was killed, Janet said that Steve Irwin had been missing for days. She couldn’t figure out where in the world it had gone to. For days she rifled through all of her belongings trying to figure out where she had placed her Steve Irwin!

One day, while bringing the groceries in, she saw her two boys standing in the middle of a group of children. Janet,  both curious and worried,  went up to the group of children standing around her two boys. Janet, looked in horror as she realized what her own children were doing to her! Apparently they had sat up their own side show attraction/ modern day lemonade stand/ peep show, where neighborhood kids would charge to see, (You guessed it,) Steve Irwin!

Crikey!

My last move before moving in with my husband I was limited on time to pack and was also short of hands. A friend of mine had said she would ask some friends of hers from church if they would help me move.  My friend Wayne had just moved out of my apartment. While he was there Wayne  had been using my dresser to place all of his personal items

Wayne, had prided himself on his collection of sex toys. He had all different types of sizes,  and shapes, and colors!
Oh my! 

Because we were short on time and hands I just thought we could move the dresser, and I would sort everything out later.

So, these two teenage boys are loading up my dresser on to the truck,  and what should happen next?  One of the boys lost footing and the dresser door came open to reveal, not only Wayne’s extensive collection of gay pornography, but SEVERAL dildo’s!

The kid looked at the contents of the drawer, looked at me, looked back at the drawer,  and closed it, Not saying a single word. To this day I look back in horror wondering if I have scarred this innocent church going boy for life.

Thanks, Wayne.

Another friend of mine Lana was living with her father after she had recently moved back from Indianapolis. Her kids had been going through her purse trying to dig out change, but it so happened that her purse was where she kept her vibrator!
Lana was a single mom, and she was putting it in her purse because she wanted to avoid anyone finding it in her drawer.

Her son, who was five years old, grabbed it and took it out of her purse.
Her father was in the living room watching TV.
The son went in the living room and sat it in her father’s lap!
The father, realizing what it was, and too embarrassed to say anything, very politely wrapped it up with its cord very neatly and handed it back to Lana. Lana would use this as motivational tool to find a new place as fast as possible.

Or, there was the time I went to visit my sister in-law Stacey. She had a huge black eye!
“What happened?” I screeched.
“Your brother hit me in the eye with my vibrator,” she said in a long, drawn out southern accent.
It turned out that they had gotten a little too into it sex one night. 
For two weeks Stacey went around saying,  “My husband hit me in the eye with my vibrator!”

Which brings me to my story. My story, so awful, that I often am laying in bed at night,  and will wince at the mere thought if it.

I had just brought my puppy Henry home a few days ago. My husband was very sick, and I asked a local Catholic church if they could possibly come to my house to interview me to see if I qualified for assistance. If you qualify they will help you make your electric payment if you are about to be disconnected. We were about to be disconnected.

I never really know what to say to really religious people. I feel like I’m having to hold back the entire time, and I think that most of the time they don’t know how to handle me either.

The man that worked for the church was very kind to me, and he talked to me about my experiences with Christianity and what it meant to live a Christian life. He started to ask a little more about me. Well, I didn’t really know what to say.
I thought,  “Oh hey! I can show him the dog! You can’t go wrong with a dog!

“Henry! Come here, Henry! ” I looked at the man and very proudly and awkwardly proclaimed , “I have a dog!”

Henry staggered into the room and he had something purple in his mouth and I couldn’t quite make out what it was….and then I figured out what it was. It was Barney – my vibrator!

I stared in horror as Henry dropped the vibrator in the middle of the floor. It turned on and started flopping around like a freshly caught fish.
But, no! It didn’t stop there! Henry, still a baby, didn’t understand why it was flopping around. He started barking uncontrollably. I can’t tell you how quickly I leaped,  scooped Barney up, and made a hail Mary pass to the bedroom!

It turned out Henry had very curiously made his way to my night stand and had dug out my vibrator. When I replay it in my mind now I think, that would make a great pop up book for adults!
It could be about Henry running around town getting into adventures and making friends with my vibrator….(palm face,).
I looked at the man, praying to God that he didn’t see the same thing I just witnessed. If he did he didn’t utter a single word about it.

He very politely excused himself saying, “I hate to leave, but I have a few other places I have to be today.”
It may have just been in my head, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye either.

“Wait!” I called after, “Can you still pay my bill?”

I want to know what your embarrassing Sex Toy stories are. The more embarrassing the better!

I think I may make this into an adult pop up book series, what do’ya think?

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My Weird Sex Story

Johnathan Lipnicki in his hay days


My husband and I once watched an interview with Cameron Crowe on the set of Jerry Maguire. They showed Johnathan Lipnicki and Cameron Crowe talking about how JLN’s nickname was El Fuego, which is Spanish for The Fire.
Not too long after that interview, Trent and I were having some crazy mind blowing sex. I still to this day don’t know why but out of no where I screamed, “Elllll Fuegoooo!!!”

Needless to say I ruined any chance of getting off that night. But, we both got a good laugh.

What are your weird sex stories?

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My Secret Shame

I have a slight confession to make. I am dealing with a really bad case of mania. I blogged about my insomnia last night but its a little more serious than I let on. I choose not to take the meds that the doctors give me because they effect my moods and make me very suicidal.

It has been seven days, and I haven’t slept, and I haven’t eaten in three days. I took a melatonin about an hour ago and I am feeling a little better.

In the past I have actually really hurt my self while in a state of mania. Mania is almost like a natural high. only, it can become uncontrollable and fast. You feel like you are unstopable, like you are invincible.  I once broke my foot because I jumped out of moving vehicle. I remember people told me I was talking really fast and that I was getting louder and louder.

Doctors often confuse mania with someone that is on drugs. Because Meth is so bad in this area of the country,  doctors OFTEN  immediately come into the room and have a preconception of you and it can make it hard for you to be treated.

The main way my doctors used to treat my mania was with Benzo’s…if you know me then you know that I have suffered from anxiety my entire life. And I say suffer because,  anxiety is the ROOT of my problems, from that root grows problems with compulsion,  obsessive thoughts, RACING THOUGHTS, and so much more.

Inner peace is what I pray for every night, and the people that I know love me, they pray for it too because my anxiety has a way of affecting other people around me.

…..Most Doctors around here won’t prescribe benzo’s anymore because they were finding that people were becoming heavily addicted to them.

But, if you have a real anxiety problem,  and you live around here,  you know that the doctors around here were handing it out to people like candy. It didn’t matter if people didn’t need to be on them.

So, the doctor’s are handing them out left and right and then all of a sudden they are realizing that they have a huge problem on their hands.

So they take them away. They tell people that there are ssri’s and anti psychotics  that can help in the.treatment of anxiety. 

….but the problem is everyone’s brain chemistry is not the same. 

I truly don’t need SSRI’S …they make me manic. And I won’t take anti-psychotics. I have had really bad experiences with doctors trying to experiment with newer medicines on me. And unfortunately it is the newer meds that they start me on because once again, I hand been on all of the older meds because my doctors have been trying to get my anxiety right since I was six.   Anti psychotics  are meant to retard your senses.

There is s secret shame that you carry around with you,  knowing that your brain doesn’t work like everyone else.

The speeding thoughts sometimes turns in to thoughts of paranoia. 

It can make it really hard for you to want to trust anyone.

A few years ago, my anxiety became so bad I was afraid to leave the house. I became a shut in, and I am so sad to think it was the last year my Dad was alive. I hate that the last year of his life he was stuck up in my apartment with me.  Trent was pretty much my care taker instead of my husband. It all came to a head on Fourth of July weekend that year. Trent found me in the bathroom and I had swallowed a whole bottle of Tylenol PM’s. I just wanted to stop thinking, I wanted the peace to come, and I wanted freedom.

I was put in the hospital,  and I remember my dad coming to visit me. Dad had.a stroke back in 2006, and he was not in good health at all. Hr sat next to me. And then he started to cry. “You are not the girl I raised. I want to die knowing you are going to be okay. I don’t have much longer.” He grabbed my arm,  “I. Don’t. Have. Much. Longer.”
He continued, “I need to know that you are going to be financially okay. I need you to be the fourteen year old girl that went out into the world when her mom passed away, and not be afraid to find a job to help your family.”

He started to cry and looked as if he was trying to piece together a puzzle.

“I know you know you think too much. I know you feel what everyone around you is feeling. I do too.  I know because you are my daughter and I have loved you your entire life. I know sometimes, you carry other people’s struggles with you. ” He looked down in shame. ” I know you carry my struggles with you. You can’t. You have got to let me go…I shouldn’t have lived when I had my stroke two years ago. You have got to let me go. I need to die knowing you are my fearless daughter again. The girl that is like Teflon. ”

“Daddy, what if I can’t be that girl How do I get back to where I need to be when I am this far gone?”

I started to cry and he held me as tight as his left arm that had been affected by  the stroke would let him.

“It isn’t going to be easy….we’re going to start off small, and we’re going to grow from there. Every time your mind starts to race you write. Get it on paper. Get it out of your mind. That way your not being held hostage by these thoughts. They won’t be running around in your mind all day.”

I was released from the hospital after seven days. I found a job at KMart immediately after, my marriage slowly was becoming okay again,  I was becoming the old me again.  And because they chose not to prescribe benzo’s, I chose not to take meds at all. When I would have a trigger and I would start to talk in a loop, or think in a loop, I would pinch my kneck three times for good luck and write it in my journal to acknowledge that the thought was there, but I wasn’t going to let it hold me hostage.

Usually my obsessive thoughts don’t get really bad unless I don’t feel like I’m in control. Right now, although my life is better than it has been in a really long time, I still struggle when there is too much of an upset in my environment , when I make a slight mistake, when there is a lot of change. Obviously,  it’s change for the better, but my mind is having a hard time getting settled.

I just want to be completely honest with you. There is so much more to this story, and I promise to be completely honest, (it involves me stabbing someone,) but right now I am actually starting to get tired.

I will end on this note: although benzodiazapines are highly addictive,  the studies show across the board that they are EFFECTIVE and help people that suffer from long term generalized anxiety disorder, (when taken on an as needed basis). Everyone is not the same  and although I have always had problems with anxiety, when I was medicated PROPERLY, I did not have problems with mania, paranoia, and agoraphobia. These are newer problems that are a result from me NOT being on anxiety meds.   It is a shame that there is a medicine out there that can help make my condition easier, and doctors can write prescriptions to make my condition easier, and yet they choose not to…our mental health system is severely flawed.

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Tick TOCK

Well, its 3:31 AM, and Trent just went to sleep.  I am going on my sixth night of not really sleeping.  I am battling major insomnia. Don’t get me wrong, I come up with the best ideas when I don’t sleep,  and I have been getting some HELLA amount of writing in the last few nights,  but DAMN, I feel like I might be about to lose it! I have had a lot on my mind lately, a lot of obsessive thoughts, and I am having a really hard time shutting my brain off. I seriously am about to go the doctor and tell hiM DRUG ME!  I probably would have already if I didn’t do such weird shit the last time I was on a sleep aide.

About a year ago I had been on Ambian for only a month, and I got a bill from my PayPal account saying I had purchased a bunch of picture frames. Like, not three or four-but fifteen.
I call PayPal and I am just raising all kinds of crap. I’m screaming and the it’s making me even more angry that the lady I am talking to is so adamant that i have actually purchased these fifteen picture frames. At one point I thought I was going to get a terroristic threat charge against me. Trent comes in the room and says, “Mae, what’s wrong?”
I’m still screaming trying to explain what’s going on. “PayPal charged us for fifteen picture frames! This bitch on the phone isn’t listening to me!”

“….Mae. Hang up the phone.”

“Why? We’re not getting charged for something we didn’t buy!” I screamed.

Trent took the phone from me and hung it up. I started to scream and he put his hand over my mouth.

“Mae, you woke up in the middle of the night about a week ago and you started going through all of our pictures. You started talking about wanting to make a timeline on the wall of our lives together and you wanted to get matching picture frames to do it. You got online, and I was trying to talk you out of it, but your mind was set on those picture frames. You ordered them, and then passed out on the floor in a huge pile of photos.  I then got you BACK in bed, and it took me a good hour to get the photos put away.” He finished.

I stood there in shock.
“Wait, why the hell haven’t you said anything to me? That was a week and a half ago.”

“I don’t want you yelling at me! Listen to how you just talked to that poor PayPal lady! I just let you do what you want, you’ll eventually tire yourself out.” 

….That is only ONE of my Ambian stories and I probably was on it for only a month.  Apparently I was also really bad about getting up and baking cakes….and eating like half the cake. Which, if you knew how much I love cake, it wouldn’t surprise you that much. What was surprising is, I didn’t  remember ANY of it! Like, I would have full conversations with people where I told my deepest darkest secrets, and not remember ANY of it!

On second thought,  forget the drugs, I think I’m gonna go buy a sleep mask.

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I Fell BACK In Love With My Husband

I had my surgery. It was a success! He went in there and it turns out I didn’t have endometriosis! I did have pcod and my one ovary was covered in cysts! They drilled for hours! They also did a DNC. The end result is I’m back to where I need to be. It’s been a month almost and still no period? Maybe it takes a while to restart?

I lost my second job. I was working for picture me perfect studios. They went out of business…..at least I wasn’t fired.

….I think I’m going to have to find a new job. When I came back from the surgery everyone was acting weird. They started writing me up for everything. They wrote me up for the second time for signing the date wrong. That means if I write the date wrong one more time I’m fired.

It’s really hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. I kind of know what I like to do and what I’m good at.

I’m good at:
1. Writing
2. Talking
3. Empathy
4. Politics
5. Philosophy
6. Making Lists
7. Partying
8. Facebooking

What can I do with my list?

…Also, I woke up and my legs wouldn’t move. It hasn’t happened since last summer when I got sick.    😦

Trent and I are getting along better than ever. That’s pretty much the best part of everything in my life right now. 

I called and made an appointment for him to see a lawyer for having his record clean from when he got drunk and high and led a liberation for all the local lawn gnomes.

The lawyer agreed and was really cool and said he would do it for 250 per charge. It’s probably going to come to a thousand dollars. We don’t have it right now, but we can at least do one at a time. And then its done and he can get a great job, and I won’t have to keep working these aweful jobs, and I can sit back and be a lazy housewife  😉

I actually enjoy his company lately. He made me an Easter Basket the other day and put it on the bed! It was really sweet!

And we have been fucking each other like rabbits!  You would think we were newlyweds!  His stamina is OFF THE CHARTS! It turns out-of-out a little (or a lot!) Of physical release does a body good! Damn it, it does my body good! I was needing some dick!

I also WANT to have sex with him now. He helps me out around the house now. The other day he mowed the lawn AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO NAG HIM ABOUT IT UNTIL I’M READY TO SLIT MY WRISTS!

I love that I have the man I fell in love with back again! The light of his love lightened my cold charcoal heart. I can’t believe I managed to fall MORE in love with my husband!

Thank you God!

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Please Work With Me, Husband!

What does everyone want from me?!? I’m just one person! I can’t be the only person in this trying to work to better our situation. ESPECIALLY,  because the stuff that is on his record happened before we even got together!  I am only one person! And I am sick! How many times do I have to say get a better job, before I’m so broke down that it doesn’t even matter anymore. I am told that I should be glad he even has a job. Why does he like staying at a job that pays 7.25 an hour? because it’s easy. ….Well I’m glad your one job is so easy on you but because I have to have a second job to afford medical benefits from my first job just to cover him so he can stay at his easy 7.25 an hour job, thst doesn’t provide health care benefits! Oh, and did I tell you my first job just changed my hours to where I’m sure my second job isn’t even going to want me???? What does everyone want from me??? I’m just wanting to feel better!

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If You’re Trying To Get My Attention I’m Listening

At the age of twelve I was told I had endometriosis. I didn’t understand what they meant. I just knew it was the reason why my period had lasted for a month.

I have insurance now for the first time in my life, and I decided I was going to take full advantage of it. A while back I told you all I was going to see an OBGYN in February and figure out what was going on with the miscarriages and the infertility.

Then Trent got sick. So, I was going to put off going. Even though I haden’t had a pap smear since I was 21.

I feel so fucking dumb. You don’t understand though. There were reasons for me never going to see a doctor about it. I was a kid when I found out I had endo and my mom had just died and I didn’t understand any of what was going on down there. And then I was an adult and would go to the health department and they would be REALLY mean! “You have had how many partners?’ The judgement in their voice palpable.  I figured,  I’m young, ain’t nothing gonna happen to me!

Mid February I started having pain in my lower back. It kind of was a weird pressure on my bladder that made it hard for me to pee. So, having insurance,   (good insurance, ) I scheduled a pap smear to see if there was a connection. 

I didn’t get into see the doctor until March 11th. The doctor I sought out was the same doctor I had in mind three months ago. He is great. Dr. K comes in and he’s super charming and easy to talk to. We go over my histories of miscarriages. He ask me about Trent. I tell him about endometriosis.  I tell him about the pain and I want to know if it can be fixed.

“How long had you and your husband been trying to conceive? ”

“Almost six years,” I say.

“We have a problem. But it can be fixed, ” he says with such optimism it makes me feel like I’m not alone.

He describes a liproscopic procedure where they go in through the bellybutton and take anything off of my endometrium lining that could be causing me problems.  

“Are you interested in this?” he asks.

“Absolutely, ” I say with tears in my eyes. Completely amazed that there is someone that can help me with this thing that has caused me so much pain my entire life.

He tells me he is going to get an ultrasound, look at it, and tell me when he can get me in the following week.

So I’m having my ultrasound done, she finishes, I call Trent and tell him what they plan on doing the following week. Trent is really happy and I am too. Dr. K knocks on the door and I tell Trent I will call him back.

The doctor doesn’t seem as optimistic as he was before …he looks worried.

….”….How heavy are your periods?”

“Pretty heavy.”

“We need to do some exploration down there. …Your endometrium line is…so thick and hollow.” The more I talk to him, the more pauses are between his sentences. This is not the same confidant man I talked to less than 20 minutes ago.
“It looks like we may have a polyp growth. Or a growth of some kind. We are going to cut it off and see if it is benign.”

I sit there and I nod my head and I leave his office setting up an appointment for the procedure. 

I call Trent and ….I fall down to the ground in tears. I can’t breath. Are you fucking kidding me?

I look up everything I can the next few days. Everything I’m reading is saying the same thing,  once the pain reached the colon area it is never good. That’s with endometriosis, polyps, uteran cancer.  But I won’t even know. So, for the next few days I sit here obsessing over every possible outcome.

I go to the pre op meeting and I talked to the anesthesiologist.

“Have you ever had a surgery?”

“Just one.  I had my tonsils taken when I was twelve.  I woke up during the surgery.”

She had a puzzled look on her face. “You woke up during the surgery?”

“Yeah. While they were inside my mouth. I remember them taking a few minutes to figure out I was awake…” I start to cry. “The last thing I remembered was everyone trying to hold me down. I woke up throwing up blood everywhere. After that it was always a big fear of mine, when is it going to happen again?  When am I going to need surgery?”

She explains to me that it is known as Aware Anesthesia.  She has only read about it, never seen it. What happened to me was a freak accident.  She says the anesthesiologist will be by my side the entire time. He will never leave my side. He will be watching me the entire time.

“Now, we need to discuss your anxiety problem. ” She says.

“How could you tell? ”

She points to my collar bone where I look down and realize there is a huge whelp where I had been pinching myself. Something I haven’t done in years.

“I have generalized anxiety disorder with some obsessive compulsive tendencies. I’be been diagnosed with it since I was 12. I was medicated with Xanax for my entire life until the facility I was seeing to prescribe it was no longer allowed to. ”

“What do you do for you anxiety now?” She asks.

“…Deal with it,  Pinch myself, Beta blocker, Drive everyone nuts talking in a loop.”

“We see that a lot in this town. I’m going to have something given to you first thing in the morning when you first get here.” She says.

I leave feeling a little better about the surgery. It is scheduled for March 21st at 7:45.

To the best of my knowledge he is going to go in there, blow a bubble of gas around all my organs,(dafuq?) And from there he will be poking around and feeling on all my major organs, scraping off anything that is on the lining that shouldn’t be, and removing any polyps he sees anywhere. Was told originally the recovery time is two days, but the more I’m reading, the different the answer to it is.

I’m sitting here tonight sad and angry. I mean, are you fucking kidding me?

I know I’m always talking about signs, but this is one hell of a way to get my attention.  I’m not trying to go to the worst place, but I keep thinking, if its near the colon it is never good. 

Not to mention the time I have to take off from work and the fact that THIS WASN’T APART OF THE STORY!

I feel very out of control and I really wish I could get my thoughts and my mind right before I go.

Meanwhile,  do I really take that bad of care of myself that it even fucking came to this? Oh, that’s right! Who the fuck has time to take care of your self when you are working two jobs and your husband’s sick too.

It wasn’t supposed to go this way.

Dear Universe,
If you’re trying to get my attention-
I’m listening.

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The Question

What can you take away from someone who has nothing? Some of my really scary thoughts have been coming back.

My husband of five years Trent was at work and he started screaming of a pain in his lower back. They rushed him to the hospital and they told him he had diabetes type 2 and emphysema. Someday I’ll give you the full story and everything in between that led up to him being in the hospital,  but for now our story continues after.

We had been living in an apartment that has black mold. For quite some time. And so when we found out Trent had emphysema I knew we couldn’t go back there. My father in-law invited us to come stay with him until we could save up for a new apartment. 

My life feels out of order. I’m staying strong for Trent and trying to make better choices, like not giving in to cravings for Taco Bell at 1 am, but damn it, I want a fucking cheeseburger.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed. Most days I can’t figure out why I’m  so angry,Most days I can’t figure out why nothing makes sense. Most days I hear people talking and I start to tune them out. My mind goes to that place that I know it’s only been three other times in my life. I start thinking that the scariest thing of all.

I hate that nothing ties me to here. You have no idea how easy it is for me to walk away from everything. I’m trying to get better as I get older,  but that scary thought of being able to walk away from everything is still there.

So, it’s 11:42 AM. I have taken the dog out to the car with me, I am listening to Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd and I’m sitting here writing.

I’m sitting here thinking about how The Universe has a way of balancing out everything.  How there’s a whole story that has yet to be told. I am thinking about how there are positives to this situation.  And then I start to break down in tears because I’m tired.

Dear Universe: I know you have a way of balancing everything out, but if you could make it slightly easier for me I would really appreciate it.

The question was: What do you take away from someone who has nothing? The answer: Nothing. I’m still me. I’m still Maegan Hagan. At the end of the day you can take away my home and my money,  but you can’t take away my stories or any of the experiences I’ve had with people.  I am me. I am beautiful.  I am strong. I am here.

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My Only Wish For Christmas

Trent has been having a REALLY hard time. Without going into details, (because the details are actually pretty gruesome and incriminating, ) Trent and I are no longer talking to his sister Dana. That is why I haven’t been writing about her in the blog. And while I love Dana very much I don’t see the situation getting better anytime soon.

The reason why we loved hanging out downstairs, other than the fact that they are family is because we don’t have kids. It’s easy to become close to your nieces and nephews when they live so close and you have disposable income and you don’t have kids of your own. And Dana is really fun too!

So, Trent and I actually avoid downstairs at all cost. It’s a weird topic so we don’t even really talk about it with each other. It happened so fast, the situation that occurred,  and it was done during a very stressful time. Everyone was really stressed about Travis’ recovery.

So, I know a few of my readers have asked about Dana and the kids and how they are doing. We learned from Trent’s Dad that Dana is going for her reversal surgery for her colostomy bag in January and I was told by the kids that they are about to go on vacation to Florida for Christmas!  So, good things are happening all around, its just unfortunate that there is so much animosity.  Especially during this time of the year. Because if you can’t ask for peace at Christmas time, then when can you?

My husband is really depressed for the first time since we lost the twins. We were watching It’s A Wonderful Life, (Trent and Mine’s FAVORITE Christmas movie!) And I had dozed off. I woke up to it still being on. Trent was in tears, “I love Dana. I’m still really mad but I don’t want her to die from the reversal surgery.”

And I actually usually know what to say to make things better. But this time I didn’t. This time I just sat there, held him, and listened while he cried.

We get to the end, the part where everyone comes in with baskets of money for George Bailey, and Trent starts crying again. “When is MY Bedford Falls going to help ME out?”

And really, its such a Universal thought to have isn’t it? When you’re in trouble and in your deepest and darkest place don’t you WANT someone to come in and cash in all of your Karma points? Don’t you want everyone to remember EVERY good deed you’ve ever done? And the sad thing is, Trent has done A LOT. It’s time for his ship to cone in.

I think right now Trent has gained a significant amount of weight, he feels he’s in a dead end job, but more importantly, he feels as if he has no family. And how do you make something better when it has gotten SO bad. Do you all have any suggestions?  I’ll take any help in this area Because I would lasso the moon for Trent.

It’s a long shot to ask for peace with his family right now, but that is my ONLY wish for Christmas.  I KNOW it’s a longshot and it would take a miracle, but, hey -Christmas is about miracles.

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The Tradegy That Occurred On Our Fifth Wedding Anniversary

I had picked out the perfect outfit. I had gotten my hair straightened,  and my nails done. I wanted to look perfect for him. My husband Trenton.

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Trent said he was taking me to my favorite restaurant The Miller House. Its the most expensive restaurant in town. Its well worth the amount of money you pay to eat there. Service is top notch and you get an AMAZING Appitizer called The Southern Sampler. It has fried cheese grits, fried green tomatoes, sweet potatoe chips, and delicious bree. The scenery is amazing and they play beautiful music in the back ground as you romantically hold hands. 

We were sitting there talking about our dreams for the next five years, we had ordered our tea and the southern sampler and it was all just -perfect.

And then –
Trent’s dad called. You see, Trent’s identical twin brother had been in surgery while we were there.

We had decided to go to the hospital and visit him the day before, so we could have our anniversary all to ourselves.  And we weren’t planning on coming to the surgery because, well, it was just a regular proceedure that they had done two other times that week.

It had gone fine the rest of the week. Heck, when Trent and I visited him the day before he was spelling people’s name on a piece of paper and he was VERY responsive.

We talked about their 30th birthday and how its about to be next month and Travis motioned that he wanted us all to get drunk.

So, we are sitting there at The Miller House and Trent answers his phone thinking that his dad is going to tell him that the surgery is over and they had him closed up.

Instead Mike told Trent he wad on his way to The Miller House and he needed to talk to him. I looked at my husband from across the table and I knew something was wrong. He had lost all the color in his face.

I started to cry and everyone in the restaurant was looking.  “Trent, ” I manage to muster from my throat. “What’s wrong, your starting to scare me…”

Trent hung up the phone and told the waiter he needed to pay because we had an emergency we had to take care of. He told me to go to the car.

I went outside and Mike was standing in front of the restaurant. 

Trent followed and the color still haden’t returned to his face.
Mike started,  “Travis had a really bad infection. They are putting him back into the ICU, they may or may not have to put in a trechea, and they putting him in a paralyzed coma.”

I stood there in shock. Trent fell on the ground in long deep sobs, “I know its scary son. Its okay to be scared, I am too.” Mike says.

We drove to the hospital. We waited until it was our turn to see him.

We walked into the ICU and we saw Travis. Trent held his hand, “Bubba, I need you to get better. We love you…” Trent broke down and started to cry.

We left the hospital around midnight.

We went to sleep and the next day we went to work and visited Travis at nine when we got off. Trent had dropped me off at the door and I actually went up to his room without Trent. Travis’ leg was hanging off the bed! I screamed for the nurse to get in there.
“Nurse! His leg is almost completely off the bed!” I said.
“Yeah, ” She says nonchalantly. “He’s been doing that all day.”

I pause for a moment, “Is that normal? With him supposed to be paralyzed and all?”

“We have given him as much pain sedatives as humanly possible,  he just keeps fighting it.”

I go and sit in the chair next to him. I hold his hand, “Hey buddy.” He opens up his eyes and opens his mouth. It looks like he’s trying to say something. It looks like he’s trying to say, “Help me!” I jump up startled. I sit back down and I grab hid hand.  “You’re okay Bubba. I need you to calm down and stop fighting this.”

I see Trent walking down the hall and I decide to keep it to myself what it looked like he had said.

Trent is holding his hand and I decide to give them a moment alone.

Trent meets back up with me at ten when visitation is over. He us just as disturbed as me at how restless he was.

I get home and talk to Dana.
“I’m a little fucked up after seeing Travis.”
“I know! Me too! It was like he was fighting it!”
Later on we are talking and she says that when she worked at the Nursing Home she only had three residents that had sepsis.
” None of them survived,” she said.
We talk about how he has his age on his side but each time we think something is going right, it has turned out horribly wrong. Should we be preparing ourselves for the worst? 

I go upstairs.

“Trent, we need to talk.” I say.
“Okay.” he responds. There is an awkward moment as if we ate both thinking the same thing but neither wants to say what that is.

“Trent. I think you need to get off from work tomorrow.  I am having a hard time processing my thoughts right now about this whole situation, so, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling with him being your twin brother. I don’t think working with the public is a good idea right now. I think you need to take tomorrow off and go be with him and…I think you need to really try and process what happening. Distractions at work are good, but after a while its going to hit you what’s happening, and you aren’t going to want to be there at that store.”

“What will we do about the bills? If I’m not working we can’t pay the bills.”
“Let me handle it Trent. I’ll pick up extra hours if I have to.”

Trent nods his head and says, “Travis opened his mouth when I was up there tonight like he was trying to say something …like he wad trying to say help me.”

“I know honey, he did that to me before you got in the room, I just thought it was my mind playing tricks on me!” I cried.

We both started to cry and hold each other and the release of the tears and of the uncertainty were the only thing that felt right in that moment.

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