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A Conversation Between Trent and I at Two in The Morning

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Me to Trent at two in the morning:Hey! Wake up!

Trent:…..What? **grumbles**

Me: Do you love our lives together?

Trent: Yes,(half asleep,).

Me: Fine. Whatever. Nevermind. **sighs**

Trent: **sits up in bed and turns the lights on** Yes I LOVE our lives together! I love our home! I love Henry! I love Stella! I love YOU! We may not have much, but it’s ours…

Me: …Is this what you imagined your life like when you were a little boy?

Trent: No! Little boys don’t think that far in the future! I wanted to drive the street sweeper! BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME! ….What did you want to be when you grew up?

Me: The princess and the pea.

Trent: GO FIGURE!
…You’re my princess. You’re kingdom might not be vast as you expected, but you still are the princess of the court…Now go to sleep.

Me: I can’t… I think there is a pea under this mattress.

Trent: GAH!

#TrentandMae #Ourlifetogether #MaeganHagan #TrentonHagan #life#marriage

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My Secret Shame

I have a slight confession to make. I am dealing with a really bad case of mania. I blogged about my insomnia last night but its a little more serious than I let on. I choose not to take the meds that the doctors give me because they effect my moods and make me very suicidal.

It has been seven days, and I haven’t slept, and I haven’t eaten in three days. I took a melatonin about an hour ago and I am feeling a little better.

In the past I have actually really hurt my self while in a state of mania. Mania is almost like a natural high. only, it can become uncontrollable and fast. You feel like you are unstopable, like you are invincible.  I once broke my foot because I jumped out of moving vehicle. I remember people told me I was talking really fast and that I was getting louder and louder.

Doctors often confuse mania with someone that is on drugs. Because Meth is so bad in this area of the country,  doctors OFTEN  immediately come into the room and have a preconception of you and it can make it hard for you to be treated.

The main way my doctors used to treat my mania was with Benzo’s…if you know me then you know that I have suffered from anxiety my entire life. And I say suffer because,  anxiety is the ROOT of my problems, from that root grows problems with compulsion,  obsessive thoughts, RACING THOUGHTS, and so much more.

Inner peace is what I pray for every night, and the people that I know love me, they pray for it too because my anxiety has a way of affecting other people around me.

…..Most Doctors around here won’t prescribe benzo’s anymore because they were finding that people were becoming heavily addicted to them.

But, if you have a real anxiety problem,  and you live around here,  you know that the doctors around here were handing it out to people like candy. It didn’t matter if people didn’t need to be on them.

So, the doctor’s are handing them out left and right and then all of a sudden they are realizing that they have a huge problem on their hands.

So they take them away. They tell people that there are ssri’s and anti psychotics  that can help in the.treatment of anxiety. 

….but the problem is everyone’s brain chemistry is not the same. 

I truly don’t need SSRI’S …they make me manic. And I won’t take anti-psychotics. I have had really bad experiences with doctors trying to experiment with newer medicines on me. And unfortunately it is the newer meds that they start me on because once again, I hand been on all of the older meds because my doctors have been trying to get my anxiety right since I was six.   Anti psychotics  are meant to retard your senses.

There is s secret shame that you carry around with you,  knowing that your brain doesn’t work like everyone else.

The speeding thoughts sometimes turns in to thoughts of paranoia. 

It can make it really hard for you to want to trust anyone.

A few years ago, my anxiety became so bad I was afraid to leave the house. I became a shut in, and I am so sad to think it was the last year my Dad was alive. I hate that the last year of his life he was stuck up in my apartment with me.  Trent was pretty much my care taker instead of my husband. It all came to a head on Fourth of July weekend that year. Trent found me in the bathroom and I had swallowed a whole bottle of Tylenol PM’s. I just wanted to stop thinking, I wanted the peace to come, and I wanted freedom.

I was put in the hospital,  and I remember my dad coming to visit me. Dad had.a stroke back in 2006, and he was not in good health at all. Hr sat next to me. And then he started to cry. “You are not the girl I raised. I want to die knowing you are going to be okay. I don’t have much longer.” He grabbed my arm,  “I. Don’t. Have. Much. Longer.”
He continued, “I need to know that you are going to be financially okay. I need you to be the fourteen year old girl that went out into the world when her mom passed away, and not be afraid to find a job to help your family.”

He started to cry and looked as if he was trying to piece together a puzzle.

“I know you know you think too much. I know you feel what everyone around you is feeling. I do too.  I know because you are my daughter and I have loved you your entire life. I know sometimes, you carry other people’s struggles with you. ” He looked down in shame. ” I know you carry my struggles with you. You can’t. You have got to let me go…I shouldn’t have lived when I had my stroke two years ago. You have got to let me go. I need to die knowing you are my fearless daughter again. The girl that is like Teflon. ”

“Daddy, what if I can’t be that girl How do I get back to where I need to be when I am this far gone?”

I started to cry and he held me as tight as his left arm that had been affected by  the stroke would let him.

“It isn’t going to be easy….we’re going to start off small, and we’re going to grow from there. Every time your mind starts to race you write. Get it on paper. Get it out of your mind. That way your not being held hostage by these thoughts. They won’t be running around in your mind all day.”

I was released from the hospital after seven days. I found a job at KMart immediately after, my marriage slowly was becoming okay again,  I was becoming the old me again.  And because they chose not to prescribe benzo’s, I chose not to take meds at all. When I would have a trigger and I would start to talk in a loop, or think in a loop, I would pinch my kneck three times for good luck and write it in my journal to acknowledge that the thought was there, but I wasn’t going to let it hold me hostage.

Usually my obsessive thoughts don’t get really bad unless I don’t feel like I’m in control. Right now, although my life is better than it has been in a really long time, I still struggle when there is too much of an upset in my environment , when I make a slight mistake, when there is a lot of change. Obviously,  it’s change for the better, but my mind is having a hard time getting settled.

I just want to be completely honest with you. There is so much more to this story, and I promise to be completely honest, (it involves me stabbing someone,) but right now I am actually starting to get tired.

I will end on this note: although benzodiazapines are highly addictive,  the studies show across the board that they are EFFECTIVE and help people that suffer from long term generalized anxiety disorder, (when taken on an as needed basis). Everyone is not the same  and although I have always had problems with anxiety, when I was medicated PROPERLY, I did not have problems with mania, paranoia, and agoraphobia. These are newer problems that are a result from me NOT being on anxiety meds.   It is a shame that there is a medicine out there that can help make my condition easier, and doctors can write prescriptions to make my condition easier, and yet they choose not to…our mental health system is severely flawed.

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Tick TOCK

Well, its 3:31 AM, and Trent just went to sleep.  I am going on my sixth night of not really sleeping.  I am battling major insomnia. Don’t get me wrong, I come up with the best ideas when I don’t sleep,  and I have been getting some HELLA amount of writing in the last few nights,  but DAMN, I feel like I might be about to lose it! I have had a lot on my mind lately, a lot of obsessive thoughts, and I am having a really hard time shutting my brain off. I seriously am about to go the doctor and tell hiM DRUG ME!  I probably would have already if I didn’t do such weird shit the last time I was on a sleep aide.

About a year ago I had been on Ambian for only a month, and I got a bill from my PayPal account saying I had purchased a bunch of picture frames. Like, not three or four-but fifteen.
I call PayPal and I am just raising all kinds of crap. I’m screaming and the it’s making me even more angry that the lady I am talking to is so adamant that i have actually purchased these fifteen picture frames. At one point I thought I was going to get a terroristic threat charge against me. Trent comes in the room and says, “Mae, what’s wrong?”
I’m still screaming trying to explain what’s going on. “PayPal charged us for fifteen picture frames! This bitch on the phone isn’t listening to me!”

“….Mae. Hang up the phone.”

“Why? We’re not getting charged for something we didn’t buy!” I screamed.

Trent took the phone from me and hung it up. I started to scream and he put his hand over my mouth.

“Mae, you woke up in the middle of the night about a week ago and you started going through all of our pictures. You started talking about wanting to make a timeline on the wall of our lives together and you wanted to get matching picture frames to do it. You got online, and I was trying to talk you out of it, but your mind was set on those picture frames. You ordered them, and then passed out on the floor in a huge pile of photos.  I then got you BACK in bed, and it took me a good hour to get the photos put away.” He finished.

I stood there in shock.
“Wait, why the hell haven’t you said anything to me? That was a week and a half ago.”

“I don’t want you yelling at me! Listen to how you just talked to that poor PayPal lady! I just let you do what you want, you’ll eventually tire yourself out.” 

….That is only ONE of my Ambian stories and I probably was on it for only a month.  Apparently I was also really bad about getting up and baking cakes….and eating like half the cake. Which, if you knew how much I love cake, it wouldn’t surprise you that much. What was surprising is, I didn’t  remember ANY of it! Like, I would have full conversations with people where I told my deepest darkest secrets, and not remember ANY of it!

On second thought,  forget the drugs, I think I’m gonna go buy a sleep mask.

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I Fell BACK In Love With My Husband

I had my surgery. It was a success! He went in there and it turns out I didn’t have endometriosis! I did have pcod and my one ovary was covered in cysts! They drilled for hours! They also did a DNC. The end result is I’m back to where I need to be. It’s been a month almost and still no period? Maybe it takes a while to restart?

I lost my second job. I was working for picture me perfect studios. They went out of business…..at least I wasn’t fired.

….I think I’m going to have to find a new job. When I came back from the surgery everyone was acting weird. They started writing me up for everything. They wrote me up for the second time for signing the date wrong. That means if I write the date wrong one more time I’m fired.

It’s really hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. I kind of know what I like to do and what I’m good at.

I’m good at:
1. Writing
2. Talking
3. Empathy
4. Politics
5. Philosophy
6. Making Lists
7. Partying
8. Facebooking

What can I do with my list?

…Also, I woke up and my legs wouldn’t move. It hasn’t happened since last summer when I got sick.    😦

Trent and I are getting along better than ever. That’s pretty much the best part of everything in my life right now. 

I called and made an appointment for him to see a lawyer for having his record clean from when he got drunk and high and led a liberation for all the local lawn gnomes.

The lawyer agreed and was really cool and said he would do it for 250 per charge. It’s probably going to come to a thousand dollars. We don’t have it right now, but we can at least do one at a time. And then its done and he can get a great job, and I won’t have to keep working these aweful jobs, and I can sit back and be a lazy housewife  😉

I actually enjoy his company lately. He made me an Easter Basket the other day and put it on the bed! It was really sweet!

And we have been fucking each other like rabbits!  You would think we were newlyweds!  His stamina is OFF THE CHARTS! It turns out-of-out a little (or a lot!) Of physical release does a body good! Damn it, it does my body good! I was needing some dick!

I also WANT to have sex with him now. He helps me out around the house now. The other day he mowed the lawn AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO NAG HIM ABOUT IT UNTIL I’M READY TO SLIT MY WRISTS!

I love that I have the man I fell in love with back again! The light of his love lightened my cold charcoal heart. I can’t believe I managed to fall MORE in love with my husband!

Thank you God!

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Please Work With Me, Husband!

What does everyone want from me?!? I’m just one person! I can’t be the only person in this trying to work to better our situation. ESPECIALLY,  because the stuff that is on his record happened before we even got together!  I am only one person! And I am sick! How many times do I have to say get a better job, before I’m so broke down that it doesn’t even matter anymore. I am told that I should be glad he even has a job. Why does he like staying at a job that pays 7.25 an hour? because it’s easy. ….Well I’m glad your one job is so easy on you but because I have to have a second job to afford medical benefits from my first job just to cover him so he can stay at his easy 7.25 an hour job, thst doesn’t provide health care benefits! Oh, and did I tell you my first job just changed my hours to where I’m sure my second job isn’t even going to want me???? What does everyone want from me??? I’m just wanting to feel better!

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The Vagina Monologue’s Part One

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The Vagina Monologues was written by a lady named Eve Ensler. The Vagina monologues deals with several topics , touching on matters such as sex, love, rape, menstruation, female genital mutilation, masturbation, birth, orgasm, the various common names for the vagina, or simply as a physical aspect of the body. A recurring theme throughout the piece is the vagina as a tool of female empowerment, and the ultimate embodiment of individuality.

….One of my major New Years Resolution’s was to try new things, and do things that I have been putting off that I would want to do.  My body is in need of empowerment right now.

You have to understand- I’ve spent 3/4 of my life putting off my life and telling myself there will be more time.  But there never is.

I have always wanted to be in a play. So, when The Vagina Monologue’s posted that they would be holding auditions for new vagina’s, I thought,  this may be my last chance. And, it really makes the most sense for me to be a part of this production because of all of my strong beliefs about women’s rights.

I saw that auditions were going to be held at a friend from college’s house -and they were really smart the way they went about it.
They decided to split the people up from the people that normally perform and the people that are new to come to the director’s house. This was smart because I wouldn’t have gone because I was always afraid that I wasn’t going to fit in. With this opportunity the setting was more intimate and WAY less anxious.

I have been getting some not-so great blood work back from my doctor’s. It is time to be a little concerned,  but I can’t go around just thinking about it or I’ll make myself sicker.

I am going into this venture with a positive mind set I want this to be an opportunity where I can be around like minded people, be around some strong, bad ass bitches, and finally make life long friends. There is nothing more than getting through a play with a group
of people. It truly bonds you for life.
I went to Randy Howard’s house and I wad REALLY nervous at first. She invited me in and I met her friend and Co-organizer Corrina, and her husband Matt. We actually got to catch up a bit and I really loved hearing about Randy’s experience with this production.

She has been in charge of it for several years, all except for last year when she was planning her wedding. That’s truly amazing to me! I guess it’s because it’s a project I really believe in.

I remember the first time I had ever watched it. I was 15, and HBO had recorded a live version of Eve Ensler’s performance. My favorite’s have always been The Little Coochie Snorcher That Could, Reclaiming the Word Cunt, Bob, and of course Angry Vagina!

I loved hearing stories of her favorite performances of each, and who’s performances had brought her to tears.

The Vagina Monologue’s is going to be an important part of my life because I really am trying to set a good example to my nieces and it’s important to know that it’s okay that as women we can talk about rape, incest, body issues-without being ashamed. We have to be able to openly talk about these things, I want them to be able to come to me and talk to me about their problems. The Vagina Monologue’s is an extremely educated approach to several topics that we as women and young women have been taught by society that we should be ashamed of. 

The two pieces I read tonight were The Little Coochie Snorcher That Could, and Because He Liked To Look At It. I really LOVE the Little Coochie Snorcher That Could. It is supposed to be read in a southern accent. When I went to read I kept going in and out of the accent. It was actually really embarrassing! 

Because He Liked To Look at it is a really fun piece, but there is s part at the beginning that is kind of difficult to real out loud, so I’m really going to have to work on it.

She told me that she likes to wait until she has absolutely heard everyone,  but she should have a cast list by Monday.  She said that she had a few in mind for me.

It has been a really exciting experience so far, and I have been told by several people that Randy really makes it a learning experience, and I will take something away from this whole thing. I’ve heard from several people that she is an excellent director.

That’s all for now, stay tuned!

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Upcloseanduncomfortable’s Stats for 2012

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,700 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 7 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Important Life Lessons For Transitioning Yourself Into Adulthood

Let me first start off by saying that the things I’m about to tell you are important life lessons for transitioning yourself into adulthood. 
Did you know that if you don’t have insurance and expired tags the cops can come to your house even when you’re not out driving? Now, I guess what’s the most bothersome to me is that Owensboro had an EXTREME Meth and crack addiction. Soooo, instead of really paying attention to those idiots out there making and selling and distributing Meth and crack right in your backyard, they pick on my husband with a purple tracker that is just trying to make his way to a shitty 7.25 an hour job. I’m not saying were above the law. Obviously,  we’re not. I’m saying that some of us have to take back roads and go out of our way until tax time comes around. Not because we want to, but because we can’t afford new tags, because new tags requires insurance, insurance is expensive,  and most of the time we are just living paycheck to paycheck.  We don’t even buy anything extravagant for ourselves.
A luxury to us is getting to go to the fucking dentist. So, Trent comes upstairs and informs me that he can no longer drive until he gets insurance and tags. Which fucks up my day too, because Trent is my primary way to get anywhere.  “When am I going to get help?” Trent says with tears I’m his eyes. I don’t know what to tell him anymore. I know it’s the week before Christmas,  and there’s only so many times I can pull a rabbit out of my ass. And frankly, I’m tired of having to be the one to figure shit out. So, until further notice, I’ll be walking everywhere or taking a bus. Merry Christmas everyone.

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My Only Wish For Christmas

Trent has been having a REALLY hard time. Without going into details, (because the details are actually pretty gruesome and incriminating, ) Trent and I are no longer talking to his sister Dana. That is why I haven’t been writing about her in the blog. And while I love Dana very much I don’t see the situation getting better anytime soon.

The reason why we loved hanging out downstairs, other than the fact that they are family is because we don’t have kids. It’s easy to become close to your nieces and nephews when they live so close and you have disposable income and you don’t have kids of your own. And Dana is really fun too!

So, Trent and I actually avoid downstairs at all cost. It’s a weird topic so we don’t even really talk about it with each other. It happened so fast, the situation that occurred,  and it was done during a very stressful time. Everyone was really stressed about Travis’ recovery.

So, I know a few of my readers have asked about Dana and the kids and how they are doing. We learned from Trent’s Dad that Dana is going for her reversal surgery for her colostomy bag in January and I was told by the kids that they are about to go on vacation to Florida for Christmas!  So, good things are happening all around, its just unfortunate that there is so much animosity.  Especially during this time of the year. Because if you can’t ask for peace at Christmas time, then when can you?

My husband is really depressed for the first time since we lost the twins. We were watching It’s A Wonderful Life, (Trent and Mine’s FAVORITE Christmas movie!) And I had dozed off. I woke up to it still being on. Trent was in tears, “I love Dana. I’m still really mad but I don’t want her to die from the reversal surgery.”

And I actually usually know what to say to make things better. But this time I didn’t. This time I just sat there, held him, and listened while he cried.

We get to the end, the part where everyone comes in with baskets of money for George Bailey, and Trent starts crying again. “When is MY Bedford Falls going to help ME out?”

And really, its such a Universal thought to have isn’t it? When you’re in trouble and in your deepest and darkest place don’t you WANT someone to come in and cash in all of your Karma points? Don’t you want everyone to remember EVERY good deed you’ve ever done? And the sad thing is, Trent has done A LOT. It’s time for his ship to cone in.

I think right now Trent has gained a significant amount of weight, he feels he’s in a dead end job, but more importantly, he feels as if he has no family. And how do you make something better when it has gotten SO bad. Do you all have any suggestions?  I’ll take any help in this area Because I would lasso the moon for Trent.

It’s a long shot to ask for peace with his family right now, but that is my ONLY wish for Christmas.  I KNOW it’s a longshot and it would take a miracle, but, hey -Christmas is about miracles.

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“She worries so nobody else has to.” Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving is my day to shine! I spend months prepping and planning and slaving, and worrying! How many can relate?

And, the whole time you’re thinking, is anyone even going to appreciate it?

My Dad understood the importance of this. I remember my Grandmother Stella standing over that hot ass stove EVERY YEAR, and Dad telling me to go help her. I would shrug my shoulders and go up to her, “Grandma, do you need any help?’ She would smile and say, “No, baby. I’m fine.”

I have always loved Thanksgiving! It is that one hoiday where you see people all year long that you want to see, but sometimes you just don’t have the time! Thanksgiving, is the day that we have been socialized and taught that it is the day you HAVE to see them!

And you get to eat as MUCH food without one person DARING to say anything about your weight!

So, if you will give me the chance I will teach you how to have the perfect Thanksgiving, and how to prep, budget, and plan accordingly!

So, first you need to figure out where you are going to have Thanksgiving, My husband and I live in a one bedroom walk up, so if we want to have get together, it is nearly impossible. Actually, having more that Trent and myself in the apartment makes me feel like someone is setting on my chest. It’s a tight fit.

We typically go to My Father in-law, Mike’s house. However, with Travis being sick, Mike went to the hospital this year and spent the day with Travis. My family is kind of out there, but I figured this would give me a chance to see my brother Dirk who I never get to see, and let me show off my cooking talents to them.

Decide on a time. This year we decided to eat around dinner time. I told everyone that I wanted to shoot for 5:00pm. We typically have it at noon, but I figured a dinner would be lovely.

I gave myself a budget of 200.00. 200.00 is actually a lot for me to spend, and it was my entire take home pay, but I desperately need to feel in control on Thanksgiving, and if it takes almost my entire pay check to feel thay way, then I’ll do it!

I made a menu: Appetizers: Bitch Dip Crab Rangoon Shrimp, (There’s a reason behind this, I’ll get back to that!) Veggie Platter

Main Course Deep Fried Cajun Turkey

Side Dishes Cranberry Sauce Corn Casserole Green Bean Casserole Brocolli and rice casserole Sweet potato casserole Cheddar Bay Biscuits Mac N Cheese Mashed Potatos

Desserts Pecan Pie Pumpkin Pie

So, I go to the store and I get all of the ingredients. I actually was only able to buy the ingredient the day before because I got paid on Wednesday, but, it worked out PERFECTFLY! When I went to the store I actually had it in my mind that this year I am going to focus on help with my appetizers so I can give ALL my attention to the Turkey. Because lets be honest-the turkey can make or break your entire meal. Last year we chose to do a Turducken, and it was very expensive, but if you are like me you enjoy the challenge of it all and you love the bragging rights! Last year the Turducken was beautiful and it made for some great dinner conversations!

This year I had A LOT to live up to. I wanted to do something I had never done before, I wanted to deep fry a turkey!

With the help of Kroger I bought a few of my appetizers. I bought a veggie platter and a Shrimp platter. The shrimp platter was for my husband Trent. He loves shrimp, and every year I go through an epic battle with him to leave the food alone. By the end of the day I,’ve done everything short of asking for a divorce just to get him away from the food. I made Bitch Dip and Crab Rangoon this year. Now, what is Bitch Dip? Bitch Dip is really easy and you have probably already eatten it once in your life. I call it Bitch Dip because a bitch taught me how to make it, AND, it is something that when you are hungry you pop it in your mouth and you stop bitching.

Bitch Dip 1 block of velveeta cheese 1 can of Rotel 2 packages of sausage

Directions: Fry up sausage and make sure you chop it up. If you want to save money, hamburger is actually a pretty good substitution and it gives you more. While you are frying up the Sausage or Hamburger you cut up and entire block of cheese and put it in a microwavable safe dish. Open the can of Rotel and put on top. You then put the sausage on top and microwave for three minutes. This will save you time so please take advantage. You then put in a crock pot and just let it sit over night. Remember this is made the night BEFORE Thanksgiving, when you will be doing the most prep work.

This is one of the more loved dishes in my house, please feel free to tweak it and let me know other ways of making it better. We usually eat half of it the night before Thanksgiving and its something that keeps our bellies full!

The next dish that can be done the night before is the Crab Rangoon. This was my first time making them, so I was TERRIFIED I was going to screw them up!

Crab Rangoon 1 package of wonton wraps 1 package of cream cheese 2 green onions finely chopped 1 tbsp soy sauce dash of garlic powder 1 immitation crab meat

Okay, so you can USE real crab meat but its really expensive, and I didnt want to buy it for something that i didnt even know if anyone was going to like. So, like I said I bought the immitation crab meat for 2.50 and I couldn’t stand the smell so I threw it out! And after reading tons of user boards, many people said the same thing, you can use it, but it really isn’t necessary.

You take the ingredients listed above and you mix them all together and you take the wonton wrapper and put a dab of it on the inside. You then proceed to wrap it like a flower. Once again, this is prep work done the night before. You do this and you put it on a platter and wrap it up with seran wrap to be made the next day. This dish can be baked or fried, but I practiced baking it, and it was REALLY good EITHER way!

So, something I go back and forth with every year is whether or not I should do my casserole the night before. This year I chose to mix up the casseroles the night before.

Corn Casserole 1 can of regular sweet corn 1 can of cream style corn 1tub of sour cream 1 box of Jiffy 1 stick of unsalted butter 1 bag of casserole cheese

This casserole is typically a favorite in my house hold. I usually double up the ingredients because it is so cheap to make! This was a dish made by my grandmother so this is usually a favorite of everyone’s because they associate it with my Grandma Stella. You throw all of the ingredients listed above together, with the exception of the cheese, amd you toss it in the oven at 350 for 45 minutes. You then put the casserole cheese on top and bake for another 15 minutes. Its simple and easy to make!

I then moved on to my Rachael Ray, It’s Not Easy Being Green-Bean Casserole Simply put, it’s like the regular old Green Bean Casserole, with the exception of you use real mushrooms and shallots.

It’s Not Easy Being Green-Bean Casserole 1 can of cream of mushroom 1 handful of mushrooms shallots 2 cans of french stye cut green beans 1 can of Durkees French French Fried Onions 3/4 a cup of milk

Sautee your mushrooms and shallots and then throw together everything listed above, including the fench fried onions, (with the exception of 1/4 th of them,). Bake at 350 for 45 minutes and then you throw the rest of the french fried onions on top and you are finished.

For the yams and the brocolli and rice casserole i really cut corners this year and I’ll get back to that in a second. I actuallly went ahead and I saw this already made deal in Kroger’s deli, and it is not good AT ALL. I will never cut corners in that aspect again.

Everything for both came freshly made, the yams came with a bag of cranberries, walnuts, marshmellows and yams that were very beautiful and cut fine. It also came with a tiny thing of syrup. The directions SAID to Take the yams and syrup and mix them in a bowl together. The only thing the directions said for me to add were 2 tbsp of butter. It then said to add foil to the top of the container it came in and place it on a baking sheet and in the oven for 45 minutes. Okay, so I did so, and 45 minutes later how pissed was I when I took it out of the oven, and not only did the yams NOT get done AT ALL, but I realized I had wasted 45 minutes on a work,  he threw those in a pan of boilng water and let them boil for about 45 minutes. He took them out, drained them, but syrup we magically found in the cubby, along with honey, and butter and we threw the cranberries, walnuts, and marshmellow’s on top.

The Brocolli Rice Casserole was EVEN worse! The pre made dish came with brocolli, onions, rice, cheese, and cream of mushroom. The directions SAID to take the brocolli and onions in sautee them in vegetable oil for five minutes. For some reason it the brocollli didn’t want to cook! It was the oddest thing! I don’t know if I was getting tired but it just kept getting worse from there! I threw in the rice and cream of mushroom thinking, its fine, the brocolli will just get done when I put it in the oven. It did not work! Thee rice tasted doughy? IT WAS FUCKING WEIRD! And it is Trent’s favorite dish so I felt SUPER bad! I ended up throwing it out!

That was Wednesday night, I finished with enough time to watch American Horror Story: Asylum, and I tried relaxing but I really couldn’t! Lol, I just kept thinking, I’m going to screw up the Turkey, none of the sides are going to be hot by the time I get the turkey done, what if the Crab Rangoon falls apart when I’m frying them? Should I have gotten the dog neutered with this pay check instead of buying all of this food everyone may or may not eat? IS THERE A BETTER FUCKING WAY TO KEEP THIS SHIT HOT?

After googling what seemed to be a million different things on ways to keep the sides warm I finally passed out at Midnight. I woke up at Eight to hear Trent talking on the phone to Dirk. He said he was in Yankeetown and he was almost here. I rushed to the bathroom and started taking a shower. I got out and dried off just in time to greet Dirk at the door, to which I discovered that Trent had gotten the veggie and the shrimp tray out and ate almost 60 pieces of shrimp BY HIS SELF! Okay, so that actually was part of my plan. I wanted him to get into the shrimp and eat himself stupid until he passed out, beause every year he gets and pokes around at everything I’m making. Well, I like to take pictures of my food after I’ve made it, but I can’t take pictures if he has bitten into almost everything I’ve made!

But, it looked like he had picked over the appetizers! Dirk looked totally disappointed! I started to laugh when I saw Dirk’s face. “Did you mother fucker’s decide to eat without me?” I started to laugh and I gave him a hug. I love my brother Dirk. He has had a really rough life, and he really just wants to take care of his son, Justin. I gave him and Justin an even longer hug and told them to to get the fuck out of the kitchen, because I had a turkey to make!

Cajun Deep Fried Turkey 2 cups of melted butter 1/4 a cup of onion juice 1/4 a cup of garlic juice 1/4 a cup of louisiana style hot sauce 1/4 a cup of worshister sauce 2 tbsp of ground black pepper 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper 7 fluid ounces of beer 3 gallons of peanut frying oil 1 12 lb turkey

So, you begin with melting the butter, and mixing in the onion juice, garlic sauce, worchester sauce, hot sauce, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and beer. This recipe is really ALL about the seasoning. You take a baster and use it to put ALL the mixture over and in the turkey. After the turkey has all of the nasty stuff pulled out its okay to put a stick of butter on the inside. I have found over the years that this makes the turket EXTREMELY moist. To the point where it falls apart in your mouth. This was put in a turkey bag the night before so it was allowed time for all the juices to soak up the seasonings.

All right so, its Thursday, and as I told you, I worry every year that everything is going to go wrong. I’m outside and Sheena comes out there. I have the friar and I lowered the turkey in the pan and poured the oil in the the friar to the point where it was going to cover the entire turkey.

Sheena has started crying. A vital part of the story is that, the reason why I had to do this for dinner is because Sheena and Brent had to go with Sheena’s mom to Shoney’s for lunch. Well, I had used Sheena’s phone the night before because my phone was dead and I was still looking up tips for Thanksgiving. I had put the phone on the charger and I guess her mom had been calling her all morning. When Sheena finally answered her mother was screaming at the top of her lungs at her. “Where the hell are you?!?” She screamed. “You’ve slept half of the day away!” She screeched. It’s also important to note that it was ten o’clock when she said that to Sheena and also, Sheena has worked the day before from 7 am until 11 pm. So, she was exausted! I gave her a hug and told her to do as we had already planned. Go see her mom, say hello, and happy Thanksgiving, and then come home, and we will make our own memories and have our own Thanksgiving. She left and I got the oil heated up to 365 degree’s. I then submerged the turkey completely in the oil and I sat out there for about twenty minutes. It was supposed to be done for about 40 minutes, BUT we weren’t going to be eating until five. So, I decided to roast the rest of the turkey at noon after everyone had gotten home. So, I go inside and I pop all of the casserole in. Bam! Bam! Bam! I’m knocking it out right and left. I have put the appetizer’s back in the fridge so they can all be cold when everyone went to eat. It’s about two, so I decide to put the turkey in the oven. I put it in a roasting pan and baisted it in butter. I can’t explain to you HOW MUCH BUTTER IS THE KEY WITH TURKEY’S! IT WILL MAKE OR BREAK YOUR ENTIRE MEAL! Nobody wants a dry turkey!

So, I put the oven on 350 and I put the timer on 350. While that is going on I put the oil in a pan on top of the stove and I start to heat it up.

Sheena and Brent are back home trying to recover from her mother, but everyone is there. Trent has snuck off to the back and has passed out after eating all the shrimp, (as predicted!) I then throw in the Crab Rangoon in the oil. It actually heated up in a matter of twenty seconds. I only did five at a time and I didn’t crowd them in the pan, which really helped! I put them on top of paper towels and I knock out about fifty of them. I set them to the side. I start on the potatos. At this point, people are starting to complain that they are hungry. Fuck that! You got time to bitch in my kitchen, you got time, to cook! Trent got to work on the Cheddar Bay Biscuits and Sheena started peeling potatoes. As Sheena was peeling potatoes I ran to her neighbors and asked if I could borrow a mixer for the potatoes. They said sure! Well, they follow me back over, and we are chit chatting. Well, I can’t tell this to people enough, the things people wonder about me and worry about me, are things I’m already concerned I’ve fucked up! I wish I could explain that enough! Well her neighbors see the brocolli rice casserole and say, “What is this?” With a look of disgust on their face. It’s nothing. It’s from a corner I was trying to cut, I’m about to throw it out. They hear the timer go off in the oven, I pull open the door and they see that I didnt have aluminum foil on the turkey. Well, most of you probably know, you only have to have foil on the turkey the first few hours you are making it. The last few hours is for it to become a golden brown. And they said, “Maegan, you should’ve put aluminum foil on it to seal in the moisture. It’s probably not going to be tender now.” Well, my nerves started getting the best of me and I started to cry.

I thought about all of the work I had put into it, and how much I wanted everyone to like it, and ALL of the MONEY I DON’T HAVE! And, maybe we should’ve just gone to Shoney’s? Trent grabbed me, “Mae.” I’m not responding. “Mae!” He shouts and shakes me. Everyone is looking. “What’s wrong?” Trent makes everyone leave and get out of the kitchen.

My brother Brent comes in. “Maegan, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I shake my head. “I’ll be fine.”

“She had a panic attack. She’s fine now.” Trent says relieved.

The turkey is done at this point, I pull it out of the oven and put foil on it. I throw all of the casseroles in the oven to heat them up and I start cutting the potatoes. The next thing I know Trent goes over to the turkey and starts picking at it. He starts picking at it after he ate all those expensive Shrimp. Something in me at that moment snapped. I was holding the knife, and I put it to Trent’s chest, “Trent, if you touch that Turkey one more time, you’re gonna lose a hand!” Trent starts to laugh and then I started to laugh and I needed it! Sometimes, I really feel unappreciated! So, Brent comes in the kitchen as we are finishing up the potatos and gravy and shells and cheese. Brent asked if there was anything he could do. I started to laugh and I just said to hell with it! I am not my Grandma Stella! She could’ve fixed a feast without any help at all but I just can’t! “I need you to finish up the potatos.” I said, completely exasberated. I’m throwing everything on the table, one by one and Brent doesn’t really know what to say. I’m slicing the cranberries and he says, “Wow, you really went out! This a real fiest!” I start to chuckle, “It better be, I’ve been planning it for months now. ” “I’m really proud of you, Maegan. You’ve become a real Susie Homemaker.” “Rachael Ray!” Sheena chimes in. I roll my eyes, “Yeah, well I don’t feel like it, Grandma used to do all of this with NO ONE’S help!” Brent stops what he’s doing, “Maegan. Grandma did it for a million years. She also had people that brought their own casseroles over, and she had two ovens. Look at this fiest you cooked, ALL by yourself. We’re proud of you. And you got us all together, which isn’t the easiest thing to do since Dad died.” I finish placing all of the food on the table. Brent picks up his camera and starts taking pictures. “I just can’t get over this.” He says.

So, everyone comes in and we hol hand and Trent says grace and then he carves the turkey and everyone eats! There were things that I didn’t think of that I will have learned a lesson from this year. The Crab Rangoon was impeccable, and it was the best part of the meal. The turkey was FUCKING AMAZING! However, it is more of a dish that would be better for only adults.

Because I am extremely self depricating I would like to take the next part to talk about all of the things that coul’dve gone better and critique myself so I have something to remember for next year. With the turkey the adults seemed to like it, but the kids had A LOT of complaints about it being hot! A LOT! So, next year I’m probabluy going on the lighter side. I also will probably request that people bring their own side dishes. It is hard keeping them warm without burning them. Especially with one oven! Also, next year I want to focus on less dishes with cheese. I didn’t realize but pretty much every dish had cheese in it or on it! Maybe a little more diverity next year? What are your thoughts? This girl is open for suggestions!

After everyone had ate I couldn’t find Trent, I thought he was in the back passed out from eating all the turkey, He was in the back writing this,

“Been a good drama free day with my in-law’s. Besides the part where Mae threatened to stab me if I touched her Turkey until it was finished. I mean I saw the turkey, and I wanted to pick at it, and one thing led to another, and she just happened to be slicing the potatoes, and she held a knife to me and said, “If you touch this turkey one more time your gonna lose a hand!” I can’t help it, this woman knows her way around the kitchen! And those Crab Rangoon was GOOOOOOD! They were just like at a restaurant!  My wife is crazy and cool and I love our lives together. She worried for six weeks about this meal, and it can get really stressful when she worries so much, but I get it. She worries so no body else has to and there’s something beautiful about that. I’m so thankful for my wife.  Love you boo.”

I am extremely thankful for my life and the crazy people in it! Crazy beats crazy in this family and I love every second of it!

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My New Job

A lot of things have happened since my last post, so let me start with my new job. So, I know I had been talking for a while about getting a new job. I officially put in my two weeks at Kmart and started a job at Kentucky Wesleyan College as a Caterer through Sudexo.

I also direct reconciliation through cash registers. Its actually really fun!
My favorite part of the job is I get to be a Barista! It’s like being a bartender except with baked goods! I now know how to make practically EVERY drink that you can get in a coffee shop! And there are such cool and bad ass things you can do with drinks!

And there is so much I have learned about tea! I’m not a coffee drinker, but I LOVE the smell!

And there are a TON of sandwhiches I now know how to make!

Its great. It is hard work and good hours and really better pay. I now have a 401K plan and in three months I will have qualified for insurance for the first time in my life. I feel blessed. 

The problem is, with my illness, everything is ten times harder. I gave to be quick with the job I do too, and somedays I can only go as fast as God will let my body.

The people there are great. I actually really like my bosses! They are upbeat, and its easy to talk to them too. That’s all I can say for now but I am very greatful I have a job right now.

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My Love Letter to Trent for Our Fifth Year Wedding Anniversary

Dear Trenton,

I’ll never forget the first time I met you. It was electric. Chills went up my spine and it was like gravity was pulling me to you and only you. And I walked over to you and it was like I had known you from another life.

I remember the first time we made love. I remember how sweet and special and amazing it was. You had the song, “My Love, ” by John Lennon playing on your record player and it immediately became my favorite song of all time and the reason why it became the song I walked down the aisle to, instead of Here Comes The Bride.

I remember when I went to your apartment and you knew my favorite musician was John Lennon. Which was another reason why I immediately loved you because he was also your favorite musician. You had written on a piece of paper, “Here peace bed peace,” and was to right over your bed, just like John and Yoko when they were married.

I remember when you met my dad. How wonderful you were to him and you will never fully understand how much I appreciate how good you were to him and how much you respected our relationship together.

I remember the day when I read the paper and it was in the records that we were to be married. I started crying and you asked what was wrong. I said, “I never not want to have first moments with you. This is the only time we are ever going to be in the paper for getting married! ” You started to laugh and said, “I promise that I will always give you first moments to look forward to.”

And you have.

I remember our wedding day. I remembered I was so worried that you wouldn’t think I was pretty. I remembered you looked over to me before you said your vows and whispered, “You took my breath away when you walked towards me. You are SO beautiful.” And I started to tear up.

My love for you is more important than a verse on a Valentine card. It is here and now, real and true, the most important thing in my life.

Without your love I merely exist, with your love I live.

My love for you is a promise that will always be kept, a fortune that will never be spent, and a seed that could grow in the most unlikely of places.

love cannot be found by looking for it, or passionately wishing for it. When I showed up that night at that bar and I looked across the room at you and when gravity pulled me close to you, it was not because I was looking for you. It was not because I had wished you. It was divine destiny.

I love that there is no job, amount of money, or materialism that ties me to this earth, but you do. You always do.

My vows to you 5 years ago were
1. Ill never be to old to hold your hands
2. Remembering to say I love you at least once a day
3. Never go to sleep angry
4. To form a circle of live that gather in our whole family
5. Never take you for granted
6. Doing something for you not because I HAVE to, but because I WANT to.

My vows to YOU, are now more important than ever.

I had no idea how hard marriage was going to be! I have to be a pseudo lady in the street, and a freak in the sheets, I have to hold my tongue sometimes when I AM JUST DYING, to give someone a piece of my mind that I feel is screwing us over, I have to cook, clean, and work a job I hate to also make sure we have a place to live.

I know you appreciate this everyday. You show me by the flowers you bring home, or slushied, or the begrudging foot rubs you give me, or fighting with a doctor. Not because you want to but because you’re worried about me.

I know I haven’t been able to give you everything you want yet. But I will give you everything your heart desires, and we both know what that is.

My promises to you:
1. Calm the fuck down It always works out in the end.
2. Clean up more
3. Cook more
4. Try and stick to something instead of giving up when it gets hard
5. Get along with everyone even when my heart tells me I’m right
6. try not to nag as much
7. To let you wind down when you get home for work more
8. To not be discouraged, we always get through it.

I love you Mr. Hagan. Yes the road has been hard. Yes, opportunities have been lost, but we will always get through it because the love we have for each other is so much stronger than any bullshit that could EVER be thrown our way.

The next five years are going to be great! We are going to get established, there will be children on the way, and health is going to be great! Because I said so and as you know I’m ALWAYS right!

Your one and only love of a life,

Maegan Marie Hagan

PS They really did give me A LOT of crackers! 😛

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Trenton’s Love Letter to Me For Our Fifth Year Wedding Anniversary

Dear Mae, Thank you so much for the last 5 years. From the moment I met you and we started talking about politics, once you asked if you could touch my beard I knew my life would NEVER be the same.

With out you there’s no telling where I would be. I know I would be wondering aimlessly through life.

Since our very very hectic wedding day I have had no regrets. (Except that maybe we should’ve eatten something before the wedding.)

When I saw you in your wedding dress I knew I had married the most beautiful woman in this entire world. The vows I made to you, I stand by. They mean more to me now, even than they did then.

John Lennon once said, Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. Things happened that we didn’t plan, but we always end up where we are meant to be. Which is at each others sides.

You push me to be a better person. You believe in me when I don’t.

You’re always there with encouraging words when I need them.

I know that we’ve had our share of ups and Downs, but we always pull through.

The sky’s the limit in the next 5 to come.

My promises to you for the next five years:
1. I promise to not give up
2. I promise to ALWAYS have your back and to put no others before you
3. I promise to make you smile when you are sad
4. I promise to make you laugh when you are angry
5. To take care of you when you are sick
6. To rest easy when you are happy 7. To always look towards the future and never the past.

I love you with all my heart and wouldn’t want to take this journey with anyone else.

Your devoted husband, Trenton

P.s. I’m the reason your name rhymes

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My Nervous Breakdown PT. 1.

I just went to the bathroom, turned the water on, and put a wash cloth in my mouth.

I screamed, I Cried,  I pleaded like my life depended on it.

I ask God to take my pain away and to make everyone around me more empathetic.

His lack of a response warrants a concern.

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DIY Marylin Monroe Bathroom Theme

So, as many of you may know, here at the Hagan estate we have A LOT of sexy beautiful women and young women.

Over the past few weeks we have been doing many DIY projects around the house. Our matriarch, Dana Hagan, has an obsession with Marilyn Monroe. She decided she wanted a Marilyn themed bathroom.

Over the past few weeks we have been collecting MANY Marilyn pictures and Marilyn objects.

We started with a wall decal to put on the wall facing the toilet.

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It says, “Beneath the make up and behind the smile I’m just a girl that wishes for the world.”

Okay, so above the commode is a picture of Marilyn.

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Okay, so the next piece is my favorite and it was done by my good friend Jenn Morgan

Here at The Hagan Estate we are also very big on Mod podge. 
As I said before we had been collecting MANY pictures of Marilyn, pictures of make up,  pictures of actresses that have modeled their career around Marilyn Monroe.

Jenn took the doors off of an old white armour that we had in the bathroom.  She got a sponge and put all of her favorite Marilyn pictures on it and used a VERY thin coat of mod podge on top of the pictures.

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The second door she put a large picture of Marilyn, (this is important that she placed it on the right door, because your eye automatically hits that picture. )
She then repeated the steps abovK
put the cabinet doors back on the armour and she started on the top.

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As I said this is my favorite piece and its also easy to do. Dana also added two Couture French Women and she hung that on the wall as well.

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And then Jenn topped off the entire bathroom with a shower curtain that she made. It has different sayings on it.

She bought a clear shower curtain and then bought several wall clings with different quotes on it. They were cling on stickers so she just stuck it on the shower curtain.

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Most of the wall clings were purches at Hobby Lobby. Some of them say,  “Women were made to be loved, not understood. ” “I can resist anything but temptation,”. (Oscar Wilde I know.) “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”
Etc.

We have a few more things we have planned for the bathroom, but that’s it for now. We hope you enjoy it!

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A Day In The Life

Update on Travis: They are feeding Travis Through his tubes and they had a proceedure done on him today to clean out any sepsis that had gotten into his body.

I went to take a nap today before I made dinner. I couldn’t sleep but I felt exhausted.  I was tossing and turning and all I could think about was work and minimum wage and how am I going to start our life off when we both are hardly working 40 hours a week and making minimum wage. We can barely make rent on our one bedroom walk up.

So, I started breathing heavier and I couldn’t imagine what would happen if heaven forbid I get sick again like I did this summer, what happens when I have medicine that I need that will keep me alive? So I’m breathing heavier and I start thinking about how Travis got sick and Dana got sick, and what if Trent gets sick? And the anniversary of Dad’s death is coming, and so I got up and I ran downstairs.

I ran down the block and I kept running until my side hurt and I found myself on a street that looked unfamiliar and I had no clue where I was so I fell on the ground crying. Long deep sobs until I could finally breathe again. I cried until I felt right again. I cried until the world stopped moving and the earth and everything around me could dance around me. And I laid there.

I picked up my cell phone and called my husband. “Hey, honey.”

“Hey!” he says.

“I went for a run and I’m kind of lost.” I start to laugh and that makes him laugh too.

“Where are you I’ll come pick you up?”

Ten minutes later Trent was there and he was smiling, “How is it you could get lost after living here for almost half of your life now?”

“I just have no sense of navigation I suppose. ” I smile and get in the car.
Trent and I get home and Trent has put up the tombstones and added pumpkins to each one.

I go into Dana’s and she’s made dinner and Jenn has gotten Snow White and the Huntsmen. Life feels right again. 

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My Anonymous Fan

So, my husband went down stairs to roll up the windows to the car and he came up with a hand written note that someone had left in the seat.  He said, “Honey, someone wrote you a hand written letter!”

Well, my first thought was, ‘great, who’d I piss off now! Did I park in someone’s spot? What??? What in the world have I done now?’

Someone has actually written me a note that is a fan of my blog! Which is really weird and exciting!  The letter says, “Mae, I am a huge fan of your blog. You have inspired me in various ways with your sense of humor and charm. You are the next Oprah Winfrey but White. XOXO Anonymous fan!”

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Okay, so they also left me one of my favorite lip glosses, Plump Plotion.

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But most importantly they left a secret message. It was typed and it says Ta Kala Diokomen.

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I looked it up and it says, “Let us strive for that which is honorable,  beautiful,  and highest.” I read a little further and it is a Kappa Delta saying. 

Am I right in the assumption that the person is a Kappa Delta? Whom ever it is thank you. You’ve made my entire year. Not everyone can say they have a fan! An anonymous fan too! Who could this person be? I hope we can be life long friends, whomever you are. 🙂

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My Husbands Identical Twin Brother

The relationship I have with my brother in-law Travis has always been a complicated one. See, I married his identical twin brother, Trenton.

When Trent and first started dating Travis and I had a pretty good time. I remember Trent took me on a date to a Japanese restaurant and I soon discovered that it was also a date with his twin brother. Later I would come to find out that this was the first test of many. Trenton was seeking Travis’ approval.

I loved Travis. I thought he was funny and eccentric and someone that I would LOVE to party with.

After Trent and I were married, things got a little weird…

When I started dating Trent I knew I was going to have to always share my life with another human being. But – I didn’t know that it was going to have to be TWO human beings. It was almost as if I had to always seek his approval for if I was being a good wife to his brother. MY HUSBAND.

So, I had to compromise my entire life, but he wasn’t willing to compromise that Trent was my husband, and the first year of marriage is always hard, but it’s even worse when it seems like a million people are in your lives.

And somedays I had off I didn’t want to have to share my husband, my first year of marriage.

So, the years went on, and the resentment grew deeper and deeper because I also felt like sometimes Travis thought he was was better than us. We kind of stopped talking COMPLETELY  for a year.  Trent also was suffering from depression at the time.

Trent was hospitalized and that was brought Travis back into my life. I realized I needed Travis. Travis could help me figure out and process the thoughts I was having over my husbands depression. 

Back in July of this year Travis was hospitalized with a sepsis that had developed in his body. Part of the process was having to go into surgery and put on a colostomy bag that would carry his poop in a bag on his body.

The weeks following the surgery was torture.  I saw Travis have issues with embarrassment, self esteem. He really just wanted to have the thing taken off!

About a month ago I did start distancing myself because he would say really hurtful things that was making me feel bad about other people in my husbands family.

I don’t have a family of my own. The Hagans are my family. My Dads dead, so I think of Trent’s dad as my dad. I never had any sisters, so I think of Dana as MY sister. I’ve really grown up a lot the last few years, but because of things that happened in our very FIRST year of marriage I am still on shaky grounds with a lot of people in Trent’s immediate family. I feel like where Dana LOVES me, others just tolerate me. And, to be quite honest, when everyone notices these changes and you still are on shaky ground with people it does make me think, “Well, maybe its not me?”

This is such a complicated situation that I have digressed, and I apologize.

Travis went in for his reversal on Monday. Wednesday they started feeding him clear liquids, Thursday- his incision came loose from when they reattached it. They had to send him into emergency surgery.

I haden’t been up to visit Travis at all that week. I was worried Wednesday because Trent had told me that he was slightly pneumatic. 

The emergency surgery didn’t go as planned. They have induced coma on Travis for seven days so they can clear up an infection. They also placed him on a ventilator.

My husband is a complete wreck. He is beside himself with grief. He doesn’t know what he would do without his brother.

Trent was back there and the surgeon that worked on Travis came in. He was holding Travis’ hand and he said, “I don’t know how much of this is your fault, or how much is just bad circumstances,  but he BETTER WAKE UP!”

I was sitting in the waiting room hearing everyone tell stories about when they went back there, (Dana said he smiled when someone pointed out that she was coming because you could hear her heels clompping down on the ground,).
They asked me if I wanted to come back and I made up an excuse about having a cold and not wanting to make him worse.

The truth is, I was scared. I didn’t think my mental state could handle seeing someone I love and someone that means SO much to my husband…I just couldn’t do it.

I snuck in there today. He looked really good. His color was really great. I held his hand. “Hi. Its me Mae.” He grabbed my hand. “I’m here Travis, and you have a whole lot of people thinking about you right now. There’s a ton of people that are lighting you white candles on Facebook and …” He grabbed my hand.  I started to tear up, “I need you to be okay because my husband doesn’t work without you. And I love you too. You are my brother. ” He grabbed my hand. “No more pettiness.  Just parties when you wake up. Okay?” He grabbed my hand.

I love Travis and I just want him to wake up and I want everything to be better. If you’re reading this, will you send prayers and thoughts his way?

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Maegan Hagan’s New Rules For Surviving HER Life

1. Stop being so hard on yourself – you’re trying.

2. Stop helping everyone else out when you yourself are just breaking even. It is dumb to make yourself struggle at a minimum wage job when you can get a better job.

3. It is okay to not associate yourself with everyone your husband loves, especially those that look exactly like your husband. The time has come to let go of those that are making you feel bad about yourself.

4. Learn from your Father’s mistakes.  He himself lived a life with a person he loved where her family hated him and made lies about him. It wasn’t fair to him and its not fair to you.

5. Move the fuck on with your husband and finally start YOUR lives.

What the fuck are you afraid of???

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