What can you take away from someone who has nothing? Some of my really scary thoughts have been coming back.
My husband of five years Trent was at work and he started screaming of a pain in his lower back. They rushed him to the hospital and they told him he had diabetes type 2 and emphysema. Someday I’ll give you the full story and everything in between that led up to him being in the hospital, but for now our story continues after.
We had been living in an apartment that has black mold. For quite some time. And so when we found out Trent had emphysema I knew we couldn’t go back there. My father in-law invited us to come stay with him until we could save up for a new apartment.
My life feels out of order. I’m staying strong for Trent and trying to make better choices, like not giving in to cravings for Taco Bell at 1 am, but damn it, I want a fucking cheeseburger.
Most days I don’t want to get out of bed. Most days I can’t figure out why I’m so angry,Most days I can’t figure out why nothing makes sense. Most days I hear people talking and I start to tune them out. My mind goes to that place that I know it’s only been three other times in my life. I start thinking that the scariest thing of all.
I hate that nothing ties me to here. You have no idea how easy it is for me to walk away from everything. I’m trying to get better as I get older, but that scary thought of being able to walk away from everything is still there.
So, it’s 11:42 AM. I have taken the dog out to the car with me, I am listening to Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd and I’m sitting here writing.
I’m sitting here thinking about how The Universe has a way of balancing out everything. How there’s a whole story that has yet to be told. I am thinking about how there are positives to this situation. And then I start to break down in tears because I’m tired.
Dear Universe: I know you have a way of balancing everything out, but if you could make it slightly easier for me I would really appreciate it.
The question was: What do you take away from someone who has nothing? The answer: Nothing. I’m still me. I’m still Maegan Hagan. At the end of the day you can take away my home and my money, but you can’t take away my stories or any of the experiences I’ve had with people. I am me. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am here.