Category Archives: funny

Chapter 5: Girls Night Out

Chapter 5: Girls Night Out

10849879_10202232298247407_8494449505434060399_n

Usually, Mae and Kristel meet at Denny’s on a Saturday morning for breakfast where they cuss and discuss the world and all its antics. This weekend, though, they decided to wait until Saturday night, that a movie would be nice, then go claim their favorite table after. They agreed that they needed a girls’ night out, and settled on the late showing of “The Wedding Ringer” at the Owensboro Cinema, then supper at the Denny’s just down from the theater on Frederica Street.

“I’m here, girl!” Kristel knocked on the door then let herself in. “Let’s go see Kevin Hart and Josh Gad dance the tango.”

Kristel gave Trenton a kiss on the cheak, “Hey bubba! I’ve missed you! “

Trenton loved when Mae and Kristel hung out, he knew a marathon of Pawn Stars was in clear sight. Also, Kristel was like a sister to Trenton. They had played in orchestra at Owensboro Middle School until they were Seniors at Owensboro High school.

Mae kissed Trent goodbye. “I’ll be home before dawn,” she laughed.

“I’ll be sure to warn the rest of the world,” Trent quipped back.

“Hey. We’re mostly harmless,” Mae kissed him again on the cheek then she and Kristel climbed down the steps.

“I’ll drive. I can drop you off here on the way home,” Kristel waved Mae to her car.

“Sounds good.”

At the cinema, they purchased their tickets and a couple of Cokes and a tub of popcorn to share. They had to dodge families and kids on their way to their theater.

Kristel watched on decidedly hyperactive rug rat brushed past her leg. The bump jiggled her arm, and spilled some popcorn on the carpet. “That kid needs his meds.” She and Mae shared a laugh. “I don’t understand why they show kids’ movies this late at night. This should be the time for us big kids.”

“Maybe we could go in to see Strange Magic with them, and bump their arms when they take a drink, and not even say we’re sorry.”

“Oh hell, no.” Kristel pointed to a family going into a theater. “They’re taking those little kids to see “American Sniper.” No wonder we’ve got a bunch of juvenile delinquents running around acting like fools. They get trained from an early age.”

“Those parents’ll pay for it later, what do you want to bet?” Mae nodded. She pointed to their doors. “Let’s go see granny catch on fire.”

Mae and Kristel left the Hall of Sticky Carpets and entered the Stadium of Sticky Floors. Mae and Kristel walked up the stairs to the very top. Mae always loved watching the people’s reaction to the movie as was were watching it -probably more than the movie itself.

Half way through the movie they saw something tiny scurry into the people’s aisle in front of them. There seemed to be three of whatever it was.

“Kristel…did you jus see-“

“Yep.”

The next thing you know people were screaming and running from the movie theatre! “Mice! There’s an infestation! They’re everywhere!” Kristel and Mae looked at each other and kick up their feet up.

Mae belts out a large laugh, “Well, at least we cleared the movie theatre of all those bratty kids!”

***

It was midnight when they pulled up to Denny’s. The parking lot was about half full, and they parked around the side from the front door.

“The trailer is always better than the movie.” Mae said, and opened the door to the brightly lit foyer.

“I know that’s right! I laughed here and there at the one liners and some of the gags, but they could have just made a silent movie, and I probably would have laughed just as much.” Kristel shook her head. “But Kevin Hart can shake it. Even Josh Gad managed to look a little sexy when they were dancing.”

“It was okay, though.” Mae turned to the hostess. “Two. And can we get a half-and-half tabletop? The one that’s half booth and half table?”

“Sure,” the hostess smiled and grabbed a couple of menus. “Right this way.” She led them to their table. It sat near a corner of the dining room where they had a clear view of everything and everyone.

“Thanks,” Mae said and crawled into the booth seat against the wall.

Kristel sat across from her. “All I’m saying is I’d still buy a ticket to see a sexy many in a tuxedo grind it on the dance floor.”

“So let’s go to a male strip club, already!”

Kristel looked as if she might consider it. “We’ll do that next week,” she laughed.

The friends looked over their menus, and their waitress suddenly appeared and placed glasses of iced water in front of them. “Hi, I’m Jennifer, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. Would you like anything to drink?”

“Sweet tea with three lemons,” said Mae.

“Me too,” said Kristel. “Mae, we’ve been coming here every Saturday now for five years. For five years you ask for three lemons with your tea. Why not one? Why not four?

Mae laughs, “I got it down to a science. Three is too many…and one and two is not enough!” She fake crosses her eye at Kristel and they both bust out laughing.

“Are you ready to order?” Jennifer, who looked young enough to still be in school, pulled out her order pad and pen. “The special is, um, just a minute. I’ll go look at the board again.”

“That’s okay. We’re ready,” Mae said. “I’ll have the Bourbon Bacon Burger. She’s in the mood for some ultimate meat.”

“Oh, I know you did not just say that,” Kristel laughed.

The waitress stood there with a blank face, oblivious to the double meaning humor.

Mae and Kristel looked at the her, waiting for any kind of response.

“Girl, you need to get out more and have some fun,” Kristel turned her eyes back to the menu. “I’m going to have… the Meat Lover’s Omelet.”

Mae and Kristel burst out laughing, but the waitress gave a weak attempt at a smile, and wrote their orders down. “I’ll be right back with your drinks.” She vanished behind a partition.

“She’s about as loose as a rusty wind-up doll,” Kristel shook her head.

“Well, after waiting on us, ‘the Jennifer’ will either be wound down or loosened up good.” Mae sipped her water.

While they waited for their food, the bar crowd started to trickle in. An especially inebriated woman with disheveled blonde hair staggered up to the hostess, and when she opened her mouth to tell her how many would be joining her, the hostess turned her head and leaned away.

Kristel watched with a grin and became more amused at the drunken display. “I bet if you squeeze her, you’ll get another quart of 151.”

“I could probably run my car on her breath alone,” Mae agreed.

“There’s three more.” The woman shouted and held up her whole hand.

The hostess smiled her practiced, plastic smile and grabbed a handful of menus and led the woman to a table near Mae and Kristel.

“Did you see that? The hostess chick didn’t even bat an eye,” Kristel said. “And that smile? She’s so fake, I bet if you look on the back of her neck, it says, ‘made in China’.”

Mae laughed with water in her mouth which almost decided to fly across the table, but she made an epic save with her napkin. “Don’t say stuff like that when I’ve got water in my mouth!”

Kristel nodded her head to the door. “There they are.”

Two people, a man and a woman, walked up to the door. The man grabbed at the door handle and missed.

Mae laughed. “Oh, this is going to be good.”

The man tried again and missed. He also leaned forward when he made the try, and fell against the door.

“That’s probably the only thing keeping him up at the moment,” Kristel chuckled under her breath.

The woman, dressed in outdated leopard print spandex pants and an oversized shirt, pulled him back, and he swayed a step back. She said something to him and he waved her to the door. She successfully grabbed the door handle and pulled. It must have opened easier than she thought it would because she staggered back with the motion of the door. The man walked in and stopped at the claw game. He pulled out his wallet while the woman walked past him, mouthing some really bad scolding words. She saw her friend at the table and made her way through the dining room, holding to a chair here, and a waitress there.

Mae watched, hypnotized by the show. “I can’t even read lips, and I know what she said.”

“You know it. He’s going to be in trouble when he sobers up, I bet.”

“Not if she doesn’t remember it,” Mae replied, and they both laughed.

The Jennifer brought their drinks. “Your food will be out shortly.” The Jennifer then turned to the table where the two sloshed women sat. “Hi, I’m Jennifer, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. Would you like something to drink?”

The blonde shouted, “Whiskey sour, no cherry,” and guffawed loudly. She slapped her friend’s arm, and her friend wobbled sideways.

The Jennifer stood with her pad and pen at the ready. She put the pen to the paper then put her head up again. “I don’t think we have that. I’ll go check. Be right back.”

The drunk women leaned in toward each other and bumped heads, loudly. They held their foreheads in pain, but continued to laugh louder.

The Jennifer returned and said, “I’m sorry, but we don’t have that on our drink list. We have, um, coffee, tea, juice, and, um…”

“Give’m coffee!” Kristel said loudly enough for The Jennifer to hear.

The Jennifer looked at Kristel, and her eyes widened a little as if she understood what was going on, nodded and started writing on her pad.

“Oh jeez, she’s writing it down!” Kristel and Mae both turned a little more to get a better view.

“I’m going to stand at the door and charge admission for this,” Mae said.

“Yeah!” Kristel said. “We’d make up for how much we spent at the movies!”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“Nah, but this is better.”

Leopard Spandex grabbed The Jennifer’s hand, the one that was writing on the pad, and the pen made a long, dark line across the page.

“Hey,” The Jennifer pulled her hand away. “I get in trouble if the numbers on the pad don’t match up with what I turn in, and I can’t skip numbers.”

Blondie and Leopard Spandex both blurted out, “Fuck the coffee.”

“Okay, okay,” The Jennifer said, “What would you like to drink? And it needs to be something we have.”

“Strawberry Mango Pucker,” said Blondie.

“Chocolate milk,” said Leopard Spandex.

Kristel turned to Mae. “What kind of odds do you think we’ve got that someone will be puking soon?”

“Ugh, we’re about to eat, and you give me that mental image!”

“I ain’t giving you anything. Those two are giving us everything.”

“Where’s the guy?” Mae craned her neck over the diners and saw him still playing at the claw machine. “Oh dear lord, he’s still at the game. Maybe he fell asleep standing up.”

The Jennifer brought their plates. “Please enjoy your meal.”

“We’re enjoying the floor show more,” Kristel said.

The Jennifer, again, stood still as if trying to figure out what language Kristel was speaking.

“Never mind,” Kristel said. “Thank you,” she said slowly, loudly, and clearly. “We. Will. Be. Fine. It’s. All. O. Kay.”

“Oh, okay,” The Jennifer smiled happily. “Let me know if you need anything else.”

They ate and watched more drunks come in.

“Saturday night at Denny’s,” said Mae.

“Only in Owensboro,” said Kristel.

“Doubt it this time,” said Mae, and she took a huge bite of her burger.

They watched The Jennifer take Blondie’s and Leopard Spandex’s order, and were surprised that they all got it right on the first try.

About the time that they finished their meal, the man at the claw machine finally entered the dining room and joined the women. Blondie high-fived him, but Leopard Spandex slapped him.

“Looks like The Claw ain’t getting any tonight!” Mae laughed.

“Not with what she said to him earlier,” Kristel commented. “He’ll be lucky if he even gets to sleep in the same house.”

The Jennifer brought the bill, and the girls rose to leave. The Jennifer also dropped the bill with Leopard Spandex and Blondie. Spandex handed the bill to The Claw who pulled out his wallet and showed her an empty money slot.

Kristel and Mae sat back down to see the rest of the show.

Leopard Spandex turned to Blondie who had a big bite of eggs and hash browns hanging from her mouth and tried to tell Spandex that no, she didn’t have enough to cover their bill.

Leopard Spandex stood up and began yelling at The Claw who shrank into his chair. He pointed to the claw machine, and began to yell back.

“I just wanted to do something nice for you and get you a nice present, and you’re an ungrateful bitch!”

“You alcoholic, stupid, limp-dick! Can’t even hold a dollar!”

The manager handled it by removing the entire group from the dining room to a vacant semi-private supper room, and calling the cops.

“Ready to go?” Mae asked Kristel.

“Oh yeah. It’s almost time for the puking to begin.” Kristel elbowed Mae, and they headed to the cashier.

They stood at the cashier’s station, waiting for someone to take their money, and Blondie rushed past them into the bathroom. The sound of retching followed.

“Told you,” Kristel said.

Mae said, “You called it!”

“I had my money on Leopard Spandex though. Drinking chocolate milk on top of booze? Not too sure about that.” Kristel handed her cash to the flustered manager behind the counter.

“How was your meal?”

Mae and Kristel looked at each other, then at the manager, and burst out laughing.

***

Mae walked into her home, and found Trenton sleeping on the couch. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

He woke up and asked, “How was your girls’ night out?”

Mae grinned. “It was a great, big heaping plate of an Owensboro Saturday night. Tell you all about it in the morning.”

Mae waved to her friend pulling out of the driveway, and Kristel waved back. “Right now, I want to let you know how much I appreciate you.”

“What’s all that about?”

“Let’s just say that I’m glad your nickname isn’t ‘The Claw’.” She laughed and led Trenton to the bedroom and yawned. “Love you, baby.” They crawled into bed and cuddled.

“Love you too.” Trenton kissed Mae’s forehead and she was asleep before his lips even left her. He sighed. “See you in the morning, then.” He chuckled and turned out the light.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

MaeHem At The Mall

Chapter 4: MayHem At The Mall

wpid-IMG_20120526_195314.jpg

“Meet me at Towne Square for lunch. There are some great sales, and I don’t want to miss them, but I haven’t seen you in so long. We can do some shopping together. I’m bringing the kids. You bring yours.” Dana laughed.

“I’ll see if I can get Trent to get dressed.” Mae laughed back.

“Well, tell that giant teenager of yours to get going!”

“Yeah, but I don’t know that we’re in the mood for Show Me’s.”

“It’ll be quick. It’s a little early for lunch, so it won’t be crowded or anything.”

“Okay. We’ll see you there in a while.”

“Mwuah! Love ya!”

“You too!”

They hung up, and Mae shuffled into the living room. “Lunch and shopping with Dana and the girls, let’s go.”

Trent wiggled his toes high up on his recliner. “Do I have to?”

“Dana was right.”

“Dana? About what?”

“That you’re a great, big teenager.”

Trenton jumped up from his chair and chased Mae into the bedroom.. “You got that right! And you know what they say about teenage boys!” He tackled her to the bed, and they wrestled and laughed.

“Come on, it’ll be a good time. We haven’t seen Aisha and Alaya for a while, either.” Mae put on her puppy dog eyes and batted her lashes.

“Aw, don’t do that.” Trent grinned. “I can’t say no when you do that. Okay, let’s go.” He got up and changed from his comfy shorts and t-shirt into jeans and a sweat shirt that said ,’roadkill on the grill’. “There. Let’s go hug our girls.”

Traffic was light, and they rode to the mall in good time. Parking was a different story, though, and Trent circled the same four lanes several times, waiting for a good spot.

“We could’ve walked in, had lunch and shopped four stores by now,” Mae said.

“It’s my day off. I deserve to park close to the door.”

“There’s one!” Mae pointed.

Trent pressed on the accelerator a bit and hurried around to the next lane and pulled into a spot just before a teenager in a beater tried to grab it.

“Ha. Beat him,” Trent said, and put the shift in park, pulled out the keys and got out. He patted his tummy and said, “Hungry man. Let’s go.”

Mae rolled her eyes.

“Well, I can’t really say hungry teenager.”

Mae sidled up to him and they walked hand in hand into the mall. They had barely taken two steps in when they heard a voice call out to them, and two other voices squeal.

“Mae, Trent, over here!”

“Uncle Trent! Aunt Mae!”

The passersby stole glances to see who answered the call. Aisha and Alaya ran up to them and locked them in tight hugs. The glued-together group waddled to where Dana stood, smiling.

“Come here, you!”

Trent walked like a robot, arms out in front of him toward Dana.

“Not you, but okay,” she laughed and gave him a light hug. She let Trent go, and the girls swarmed him.

“I meant you!” She did a sort of stuttered, excited shuffle to Mae, and threw her arms around her.

They parted, and Dana said, “What do you think?” She did a little twirl and showed off her new outfit. Her mini skirt had a pleated section that flew up when she twirled.

“Nice. Been here long?”

The group joined together and walked into the restaurant. They were seated quickly. Aisha and Alaya were busy talking over each other, telling Trent about their week at school while Dana and Mae caught up with each other.

“I’m going with the chicken Philly,” said Trent.

The girls sat on either side of him. Aisha ordered a grilled cheese and a dinner salad, and Alaya ordered a cheeseburger.

“Y’all ready?” Their waitress smiled, beaming at the group around the table.

Mae gave a gentle kick to Trent’s shin. “Behave,” she said.

“Yup, we’re ready!”

The group ordered, and chatted while waiting for their meals.

“So then, Jamie, she said…. Dana, what are you looking at?” Mae followed Dana’s eyes to a set of broad shoulders and a trim waist sitting at the bar.

“Sorry, what?” Dana said without looking away from the eye candy on the bar stool.

“Do you know him?” Mae asked.

“No, but I don’t think I’d mind getting to know him,” Dana said and raised her eyebrows.

“You…” Mae said with a little laugh.

“Can’t blame a girl for window shopping. He’s as fine as Ghirardelli Chocolate. I, uh, have to go to the ladies room. No need to come with me, though,” Dana rose and winked at Mae. “I can take care of this on my own.”

Mae shook her head and watched Dana walk away.

As Dana passed the bar, she made eye contact with the man. He had a draft beer glass in his hand, and had just pursed his lips on the rim to take a sip when he saw her. Dana paused ever so slightly, did a little twirl and walked to the ladies’ room with her miniskirt swaying with her stride.

When she came out, the man waved her over. “Hey, good-lookin’. Can I buy you a drink or something?”

“Oh, I’ve already ordered, but thanks. I’m Dana.” She held out her hand.

“Jerome.” He took her hand in his. “You here by yourself?”

She shook her head. “We’re on a family shopping spree.” She nodded in the direction of her table.

“Ah. Well, how about you give me your number, and we’ll see about getting you here sometime by yourself. Or somewhere else. You like to dance?”

“Oh, yeah. Here.” Dana pulled out her phone.

“Jerome Elias Watson!” A harsh voice pierced through the restaurant, right into Jerome’s eardrum.

“Sasha?” He winced and pulled away. Dana turned to see a rather large, very angry woman stomping their way. Her fury shone through the dark skin of her cheeks like the glow of embers at dusk. Jerome’s face reddened, and he turned to the bar and picked up his glass. “Shit.”

“Missy, you can just keep going.” She pointed a finger in Dana’s face.

“Oh no, you don’t. You need to talk to this sorry excuse for a man, not me. He came on to me.” She turned to Jerome. “Tell her.”

“You can’t talk about my man that way!” The woman took a step closer to Dana.

Unintimidated, Dana stepped inward, too. “He’s the one picking up women right under your nose. How would I know he had an old lady?”

Jerome swung around on his barstool and stepped between the two women. In any other situation, he would have been safe, but even a six-foot-two bundle of muscles is no match for women who are riled up.

“Old lady? Go look in the mirror!” Sasha reached an arm around Jerome to slap at Dana.

Jerome swung his arm out to block Sasha, but when her hand hit his arm, he bounced back and smacked Dana’s shoulder.

By that time, Trenton was walking calmly toward them with a stern look on his face. “Hey, be careful with my sister. Let’s just be cool, okay?” he said.

Alaya yelled from the table, “Yeah, leave my mom alone!”

Mae put a hand on the table.

“She’s okay. Uncle Trent is there, and we’re going to just stay here and not make it worse, okay?” Mae saw the girls as they nodded but watched closely, ready to defend their mom, and she felt kind of proud, the way the family stuck together.

Jerome’s temper flared. “Keep out of this, kid!”

Trenton put a hand on Jerome’s arm and led him and Sasha away from Dana. “That kid, as you called her, can run you down and put you on the floor before you can say ‘outside linebacker’. Just cool this off. Okay?”

Sasha folder her arms and huffed heavily. She shot a dirty look toward Dana, but then looked up at Jerome. “Yeah, what the hell? Get your ass home, motherfucker.”

He dropped a bill on the bar and left with his head low, and his woman behind him scolding him the whole way.

Dana held her head high and sat down at the table and watched the leave with daggers in her eyes.

“Should have stuck to window shopping,” Mae said, trying to inject some humor into the situation.

“I just wanted to try, not buy,” Dana said.

She and Mae laughed at the same time.

“Hey, look at it this way. You didn’t end up as ‘the other woman’. I think that Sasha would have drawn blood.”

“Yeah, but dammit. I just can’t get a break.”

The waitress arrived with their food, and they dug in.

“Uncle Trent, will you take us to Scoops & Smoothies for dessert?” Aisha asked.

“You gonna have room?” he teased.

“Let’s all go. Then we’re going to look at shoes,” Dana said, and raised a glass. “To family.”

They all raised their glasses and said, “To Family!”

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

My Complaint With Walmart

tis the reason

Dear Walmart,

I would like to lodge a formal complaint. Today I went to look at Christmas underwear with my friend Lexi. I was surprised that you have a decent collection of cute Christmas underwear! Some have reindeers on them, some are green ruffles, some have santa suspenders-the list goes on and on. What was more surprising was where you had them located.

They were located right next to the check out!

If I’m going to look through a bin of underwear, (which I promise is an entirely new low for me!) I would prefer to do it tucked away nicely in the back where the rest of the underwear is.  I don’t like having a  group of teenage boys leering at me while I am doing so!

I live in a small town too! In the time it took for me to pick out a pair, (ten minutes!) I ran into my boss, my preacher, and half of my coworkers! Now, every time I’m in church my preacher is going to look at me and think of a giant reindeer on my ass!

Let me cue you in on a secret, underwear is a sacred thing. The right pair can give you confidence you never thought you had! But, and for classier women it is something that you only want your partner to know what you are going to be wearing! Change the location, I promise that I am not the only person that felt embarrassed yesterday! I mean have you read my blog? I am not someone that embarresses easy!

Mortified Customer,

Maegan Hagan

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Greatest Facebook Fight Of All Time

10149834_1466941366874754_3123629304645387583_n

Let me first start off by saying, this is in no way a reflection of my friends and I! …Well, maybe it is! To get started with this Facebook fight I first have to give you the backstory. My Facebook is set to Public. IE, any random asshole can add me.

A few months ago a man named Ronnie Moss added me. I honestly thought it was a Fake Profile, so I was like- I’m going to accept this and see how this plays out.

Last week, I went to volunteer with GOTV with the Daviess County Democrats. Of course I put up a status about it! I have to live my entire life on Facebook don’t you know!

Well, I had a visitor on my Facebook!

The Status That Started This War!

The Status That Started This War!

Okay, so here comes Ronnie Moss-

stop bitch Ronnie Moss

…Por Que? ….Are you calling me, Maegan Hagan a bitch? Obviously, you have no idea you are talking to…

Ronnie Moss

Ronnie Moss

Okay…so the next thing I say to him I’m not so proud of….lol but I have a bit of a temper…

My Response to Ronnie...

My Response to Ronnie…

Okay, so fast forward two weeks later…I was having a REALLY bad morning! I mean I woke up with bad news and negativity from two different people! So, I out up a Facebook Status, (I know this is just so immature! Jeez!)

The Devil is alive

The Devil is alive

And that is when the fun began! Bahahhaaha ! I mean between Ronnie and my friends I had pure entertainment all morning! Yes, if you haven’t figured it out I am a twisted bitch!

Dana was on a bit of a photo kick this morning!

Dana was on a bit of a photo kick this morning!

For some reason Dana my Sister-In-Law was on a HUGE photo kick this morning!

Ronnie Moss You Are

Ronnie Moss You Are

Normally I wouldn’t have paid this old man no mind, lmao, but I had had my fill of bullshit already for the day!

stfu ronnie

Lmao, Yes, I understand I sound like a two year old!

what you doing for him

Ugh…..

I rebuke you!

I rebuke you!

That’s when my friend Bee steps in…which anything Bee is involved in turns into pure pandamonium!

Bee is the fucking devil!

Bee is the fucking devil!

Im'ma stand right here

Im’ma stand right here

Good you burn!

Good you burn!

….So this is when Dana Realizes this guy may be serious…

dana mischelle is this guy being serious

So is Bee….

i am eternal

This is just too good….

you dum

I should mention Bee is a writer too….

bee you're

So, then Dana starts calling Ronnie Michael…

Dana gets his name wrong

And Bee is just Bee….

bee has me dead

Dana realizes she got his name wrong….

Dana realizes

dana bye felecia

I have something to say again….

that escalated quickly

Kristal Kimbley chimes in with her favorite saying, “Tell mama I LUV her!”

kristal kimbley status

And then the best and badest bitch ever, my friend Missy Bales AKA the movie star put the best photo comment together known to man…..

ronnie looks like

And it’s even more hilarious because the entire time I saw this dude I kept thinking, “I know his face from some where!”

Lmao, I love my friends AND you Ronnie Moss! Also, real quick-if you all get the chance my friend Bee Beard has a fan page Bee Beard-Writer,Poet,Activist

He really is like this ALL the time! And you will really love what he has to say! Oh! And add me, Maegan Hagan and like my FanPage!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mae Gets An Intervention in Denny’s

Kristal Kimbley, my niece Alaya. my sister in=law Dana Hagan, and that's me in the back!

Kristal Kimbley, my niece Alaya. my sister in=law Dana Hagan, and that’s me in the back!

I was in Denny’s tonight and my best friends staged an intervention on my ass! My phone died and I started getting nervous! I started rocking back and forth and everything. I said, “Kristal, can I borrow your phone?”

Kristal says, “About that….that’s why we have brought you here tonight.”

My best friend Kristal picks up her phone, “Dear Mae. We used to have a really good time together. Now all you want to do is be on Facebook.”

My niece Alaya pics up her phone, “Dear Aunt Mae, You used to be a good aunt. Now all you want to do is be on Facebook.”

Dana pics up her phone, “Mae, you are a like whore. I can’t be around you anymore.”

Immediately, I lashed out. “What about you whores?!? You’ve been texting people all night!” I look at Kristal, “You have literally been Vining hard all night long!”

It just so happens I can quit anytime I want to! But first….let me go update my status!

Tagged , , , , ,

Maegan Hagan Visit’s Jimmy John’s

Jimmy John's Fresh Sandwhich

Jimmy John’s Fresh Sandwhich

Let’s talk about Jimmy John’s Owensboro! Okay, so on two separate occasions I was almost in a car wreck over Jimmy John’s. The first time my beautiful and smart sister in law was driving me to the grocery store. She looked to the right on Frederica and said, “Oh my God! Jimmy John’s!” She got so excited she swerved the car! Okay! So, my first responses was, “Really?!? You almost killed us over a restaurant?!?” And she said, “No. You don’t get it. It’s Jimmy Johns!” I said, “What the f*&f is Jimmy Johns?!?” And she goes on to tell this long story about when she lived in Indy she would eat at. I was like…okay. That’s cool.
…The next day I’m in the car with Trent. Her brother and my husband. He is driving me to Starbucks’s AND HE DOES THE SAME THING! So, now I’ve almost died twice over some damn sandwiches. I said, “What is up with this family and this restaurant?!?”

So, I’m at work this last Friday and my best friend at work Sara wouldn’t stop talking about it! I mean she was going on about how great they are and how they deliver. At one point I was thinking, “Has Jim John’s hired you as a spokesperson? I mean are you being paid to endorse their sandwiches?”

So, today I leave my doctors office and my doctor had just gotten Jimmy Johns delivered. So, I left. And I don’t know why but I was like, “I’m going to go try it!”

I pull up to the restaurant and I’m mad anyways! Jimmy John’s was so packed we had to park across the street! I was talking to myself and everything! I was saying, “Damn sandwich It can’t be THAT great! I mean what’s so great about it? They put crack in it?!?’

Trent grabs my hand and says, “Mae. I promise you’ll get it. Please come on this journey of the mouth with me!”

We go inside and it is PACKED! The thing that immediately put a huge smile on my face was…they have a LOT of people working there. Like, there were at least twelve people working in a very tiny space. I was thinking, “I’m sold.” Owensboro needs this. That put a huge smile on my face. I mean the holidays are coming up and people need jobs. My total came to 10.52 for 2 number 2 big John’s. I was glad to pay. They got our sand which done HELLA fast! I mean like 2 minutes! The sand which was AMAZING! I mean it was SO fresh and the bread was like heaven! I’m sold, Owensboro! I’m sold!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

A Conversation Between Trent and I at Two in The Morning

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Me to Trent at two in the morning:Hey! Wake up!

Trent:…..What? **grumbles**

Me: Do you love our lives together?

Trent: Yes,(half asleep,).

Me: Fine. Whatever. Nevermind. **sighs**

Trent: **sits up in bed and turns the lights on** Yes I LOVE our lives together! I love our home! I love Henry! I love Stella! I love YOU! We may not have much, but it’s ours…

Me: …Is this what you imagined your life like when you were a little boy?

Trent: No! Little boys don’t think that far in the future! I wanted to drive the street sweeper! BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME! ….What did you want to be when you grew up?

Me: The princess and the pea.

Trent: GO FIGURE!
…You’re my princess. You’re kingdom might not be vast as you expected, but you still are the princess of the court…Now go to sleep.

Me: I can’t… I think there is a pea under this mattress.

Trent: GAH!

#TrentandMae #Ourlifetogether #MaeganHagan #TrentonHagan #life#marriage

Tagged , , , , , ,

Tick TOCK

Well, its 3:31 AM, and Trent just went to sleep.  I am going on my sixth night of not really sleeping.  I am battling major insomnia. Don’t get me wrong, I come up with the best ideas when I don’t sleep,  and I have been getting some HELLA amount of writing in the last few nights,  but DAMN, I feel like I might be about to lose it! I have had a lot on my mind lately, a lot of obsessive thoughts, and I am having a really hard time shutting my brain off. I seriously am about to go the doctor and tell hiM DRUG ME!  I probably would have already if I didn’t do such weird shit the last time I was on a sleep aide.

About a year ago I had been on Ambian for only a month, and I got a bill from my PayPal account saying I had purchased a bunch of picture frames. Like, not three or four-but fifteen.
I call PayPal and I am just raising all kinds of crap. I’m screaming and the it’s making me even more angry that the lady I am talking to is so adamant that i have actually purchased these fifteen picture frames. At one point I thought I was going to get a terroristic threat charge against me. Trent comes in the room and says, “Mae, what’s wrong?”
I’m still screaming trying to explain what’s going on. “PayPal charged us for fifteen picture frames! This bitch on the phone isn’t listening to me!”

“….Mae. Hang up the phone.”

“Why? We’re not getting charged for something we didn’t buy!” I screamed.

Trent took the phone from me and hung it up. I started to scream and he put his hand over my mouth.

“Mae, you woke up in the middle of the night about a week ago and you started going through all of our pictures. You started talking about wanting to make a timeline on the wall of our lives together and you wanted to get matching picture frames to do it. You got online, and I was trying to talk you out of it, but your mind was set on those picture frames. You ordered them, and then passed out on the floor in a huge pile of photos.  I then got you BACK in bed, and it took me a good hour to get the photos put away.” He finished.

I stood there in shock.
“Wait, why the hell haven’t you said anything to me? That was a week and a half ago.”

“I don’t want you yelling at me! Listen to how you just talked to that poor PayPal lady! I just let you do what you want, you’ll eventually tire yourself out.” 

….That is only ONE of my Ambian stories and I probably was on it for only a month.  Apparently I was also really bad about getting up and baking cakes….and eating like half the cake. Which, if you knew how much I love cake, it wouldn’t surprise you that much. What was surprising is, I didn’t  remember ANY of it! Like, I would have full conversations with people where I told my deepest darkest secrets, and not remember ANY of it!

On second thought,  forget the drugs, I think I’m gonna go buy a sleep mask.

Tagged , , , , , ,

I Fell BACK In Love With My Husband

I had my surgery. It was a success! He went in there and it turns out I didn’t have endometriosis! I did have pcod and my one ovary was covered in cysts! They drilled for hours! They also did a DNC. The end result is I’m back to where I need to be. It’s been a month almost and still no period? Maybe it takes a while to restart?

I lost my second job. I was working for picture me perfect studios. They went out of business…..at least I wasn’t fired.

….I think I’m going to have to find a new job. When I came back from the surgery everyone was acting weird. They started writing me up for everything. They wrote me up for the second time for signing the date wrong. That means if I write the date wrong one more time I’m fired.

It’s really hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. I kind of know what I like to do and what I’m good at.

I’m good at:
1. Writing
2. Talking
3. Empathy
4. Politics
5. Philosophy
6. Making Lists
7. Partying
8. Facebooking

What can I do with my list?

…Also, I woke up and my legs wouldn’t move. It hasn’t happened since last summer when I got sick.    😦

Trent and I are getting along better than ever. That’s pretty much the best part of everything in my life right now. 

I called and made an appointment for him to see a lawyer for having his record clean from when he got drunk and high and led a liberation for all the local lawn gnomes.

The lawyer agreed and was really cool and said he would do it for 250 per charge. It’s probably going to come to a thousand dollars. We don’t have it right now, but we can at least do one at a time. And then its done and he can get a great job, and I won’t have to keep working these aweful jobs, and I can sit back and be a lazy housewife  😉

I actually enjoy his company lately. He made me an Easter Basket the other day and put it on the bed! It was really sweet!

And we have been fucking each other like rabbits!  You would think we were newlyweds!  His stamina is OFF THE CHARTS! It turns out-of-out a little (or a lot!) Of physical release does a body good! Damn it, it does my body good! I was needing some dick!

I also WANT to have sex with him now. He helps me out around the house now. The other day he mowed the lawn AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO NAG HIM ABOUT IT UNTIL I’M READY TO SLIT MY WRISTS!

I love that I have the man I fell in love with back again! The light of his love lightened my cold charcoal heart. I can’t believe I managed to fall MORE in love with my husband!

Thank you God!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Question

What can you take away from someone who has nothing? Some of my really scary thoughts have been coming back.

My husband of five years Trent was at work and he started screaming of a pain in his lower back. They rushed him to the hospital and they told him he had diabetes type 2 and emphysema. Someday I’ll give you the full story and everything in between that led up to him being in the hospital,  but for now our story continues after.

We had been living in an apartment that has black mold. For quite some time. And so when we found out Trent had emphysema I knew we couldn’t go back there. My father in-law invited us to come stay with him until we could save up for a new apartment. 

My life feels out of order. I’m staying strong for Trent and trying to make better choices, like not giving in to cravings for Taco Bell at 1 am, but damn it, I want a fucking cheeseburger.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed. Most days I can’t figure out why I’m  so angry,Most days I can’t figure out why nothing makes sense. Most days I hear people talking and I start to tune them out. My mind goes to that place that I know it’s only been three other times in my life. I start thinking that the scariest thing of all.

I hate that nothing ties me to here. You have no idea how easy it is for me to walk away from everything. I’m trying to get better as I get older,  but that scary thought of being able to walk away from everything is still there.

So, it’s 11:42 AM. I have taken the dog out to the car with me, I am listening to Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd and I’m sitting here writing.

I’m sitting here thinking about how The Universe has a way of balancing out everything.  How there’s a whole story that has yet to be told. I am thinking about how there are positives to this situation.  And then I start to break down in tears because I’m tired.

Dear Universe: I know you have a way of balancing everything out, but if you could make it slightly easier for me I would really appreciate it.

The question was: What do you take away from someone who has nothing? The answer: Nothing. I’m still me. I’m still Maegan Hagan. At the end of the day you can take away my home and my money,  but you can’t take away my stories or any of the experiences I’ve had with people.  I am me. I am beautiful.  I am strong. I am here.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Vagina Monologue’s Part One

image

The Vagina Monologues was written by a lady named Eve Ensler. The Vagina monologues deals with several topics , touching on matters such as sex, love, rape, menstruation, female genital mutilation, masturbation, birth, orgasm, the various common names for the vagina, or simply as a physical aspect of the body. A recurring theme throughout the piece is the vagina as a tool of female empowerment, and the ultimate embodiment of individuality.

….One of my major New Years Resolution’s was to try new things, and do things that I have been putting off that I would want to do.  My body is in need of empowerment right now.

You have to understand- I’ve spent 3/4 of my life putting off my life and telling myself there will be more time.  But there never is.

I have always wanted to be in a play. So, when The Vagina Monologue’s posted that they would be holding auditions for new vagina’s, I thought,  this may be my last chance. And, it really makes the most sense for me to be a part of this production because of all of my strong beliefs about women’s rights.

I saw that auditions were going to be held at a friend from college’s house -and they were really smart the way they went about it.
They decided to split the people up from the people that normally perform and the people that are new to come to the director’s house. This was smart because I wouldn’t have gone because I was always afraid that I wasn’t going to fit in. With this opportunity the setting was more intimate and WAY less anxious.

I have been getting some not-so great blood work back from my doctor’s. It is time to be a little concerned,  but I can’t go around just thinking about it or I’ll make myself sicker.

I am going into this venture with a positive mind set I want this to be an opportunity where I can be around like minded people, be around some strong, bad ass bitches, and finally make life long friends. There is nothing more than getting through a play with a group
of people. It truly bonds you for life.
I went to Randy Howard’s house and I wad REALLY nervous at first. She invited me in and I met her friend and Co-organizer Corrina, and her husband Matt. We actually got to catch up a bit and I really loved hearing about Randy’s experience with this production.

She has been in charge of it for several years, all except for last year when she was planning her wedding. That’s truly amazing to me! I guess it’s because it’s a project I really believe in.

I remember the first time I had ever watched it. I was 15, and HBO had recorded a live version of Eve Ensler’s performance. My favorite’s have always been The Little Coochie Snorcher That Could, Reclaiming the Word Cunt, Bob, and of course Angry Vagina!

I loved hearing stories of her favorite performances of each, and who’s performances had brought her to tears.

The Vagina Monologue’s is going to be an important part of my life because I really am trying to set a good example to my nieces and it’s important to know that it’s okay that as women we can talk about rape, incest, body issues-without being ashamed. We have to be able to openly talk about these things, I want them to be able to come to me and talk to me about their problems. The Vagina Monologue’s is an extremely educated approach to several topics that we as women and young women have been taught by society that we should be ashamed of. 

The two pieces I read tonight were The Little Coochie Snorcher That Could, and Because He Liked To Look At It. I really LOVE the Little Coochie Snorcher That Could. It is supposed to be read in a southern accent. When I went to read I kept going in and out of the accent. It was actually really embarrassing! 

Because He Liked To Look at it is a really fun piece, but there is s part at the beginning that is kind of difficult to real out loud, so I’m really going to have to work on it.

She told me that she likes to wait until she has absolutely heard everyone,  but she should have a cast list by Monday.  She said that she had a few in mind for me.

It has been a really exciting experience so far, and I have been told by several people that Randy really makes it a learning experience, and I will take something away from this whole thing. I’ve heard from several people that she is an excellent director.

That’s all for now, stay tuned!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

22 Things You Should Know About Me, Maegan Hagan.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Maegan Hagan, Mae to most people. I would like to take a few moments to tell you what this blog is about.

1. I am scared of the color red

2. I watch E! News ALL the time!

3. I have a half pug/half shitzoo named Henry Chewy Barka Hagan, and a half pug/half Chihuahua named Stella.

4.My mom died when I was 14. She was a manic depressed and had a lot of health issues.

5. I am a 3rd generation tarot reader. I specialize in dates times, and pregnancies. I can smell it on a person. Also, I can tell if a person has just had sex. Lol, and other stuff. Like if someone is lying to me. Some people call me a psychic.

6. I hate the term psychic.

7.In my head, I am a reall down to Earth girl. But anyone I have ever dated says I’m super high maintenance.

8. My Dad was my best friend in the entire world.

9. When I’m alone I do REALLY weird things! For example, I LOVE standing in front of a mirror and pretending I’m being interviewed by E! News! I also dance and sing at the top of my lungs!

10. I LOVE Lady Gaga!

11.I Love my family and my best friend Kristal Kimbley

12. My favorite movies are Rent, Funny Girl, and The Way We Were

13.I am a writer. I am in the middle of trying to be published, and it has gotten kind of ugly.

14. I’m VERY close to my sister in law Dana. She is probably one of the closest people in my life. As weird as it sounds, she is the closest thing I have ever had to a mother.

15. I was brutally attacked when I was 15 walking home from school. I had to have my jaw reconstructed and wired shut.

16. One of my favorite writers is Chompsky

17. I collect interesting and new people. If I can’t find anything interesting about you- I won’t talk to you!

18. My favorite television show was How I Met Your Mother.

19. I have been married to my best friend, Trenton Hagan for seven years now. When I met Trent it was like gravity pulled me toward him. It was like I had already known him. To this day he said he remembers thinking the same thing about me.

20. I REALLY like Tequilla!

21. I truly ENJOY helping people out!

22. I once met Bill Clinton, and he thanked me for the work I did with The Kentucky Democratic Party.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: