Tag Archives: family

MaeHem At The Mall

Chapter 4: MayHem At The Mall

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“Meet me at Towne Square for lunch. There are some great sales, and I don’t want to miss them, but I haven’t seen you in so long. We can do some shopping together. I’m bringing the kids. You bring yours.” Dana laughed.

“I’ll see if I can get Trent to get dressed.” Mae laughed back.

“Well, tell that giant teenager of yours to get going!”

“Yeah, but I don’t know that we’re in the mood for Show Me’s.”

“It’ll be quick. It’s a little early for lunch, so it won’t be crowded or anything.”

“Okay. We’ll see you there in a while.”

“Mwuah! Love ya!”

“You too!”

They hung up, and Mae shuffled into the living room. “Lunch and shopping with Dana and the girls, let’s go.”

Trent wiggled his toes high up on his recliner. “Do I have to?”

“Dana was right.”

“Dana? About what?”

“That you’re a great, big teenager.”

Trenton jumped up from his chair and chased Mae into the bedroom.. “You got that right! And you know what they say about teenage boys!” He tackled her to the bed, and they wrestled and laughed.

“Come on, it’ll be a good time. We haven’t seen Aisha and Alaya for a while, either.” Mae put on her puppy dog eyes and batted her lashes.

“Aw, don’t do that.” Trent grinned. “I can’t say no when you do that. Okay, let’s go.” He got up and changed from his comfy shorts and t-shirt into jeans and a sweat shirt that said ,’roadkill on the grill’. “There. Let’s go hug our girls.”

Traffic was light, and they rode to the mall in good time. Parking was a different story, though, and Trent circled the same four lanes several times, waiting for a good spot.

“We could’ve walked in, had lunch and shopped four stores by now,” Mae said.

“It’s my day off. I deserve to park close to the door.”

“There’s one!” Mae pointed.

Trent pressed on the accelerator a bit and hurried around to the next lane and pulled into a spot just before a teenager in a beater tried to grab it.

“Ha. Beat him,” Trent said, and put the shift in park, pulled out the keys and got out. He patted his tummy and said, “Hungry man. Let’s go.”

Mae rolled her eyes.

“Well, I can’t really say hungry teenager.”

Mae sidled up to him and they walked hand in hand into the mall. They had barely taken two steps in when they heard a voice call out to them, and two other voices squeal.

“Mae, Trent, over here!”

“Uncle Trent! Aunt Mae!”

The passersby stole glances to see who answered the call. Aisha and Alaya ran up to them and locked them in tight hugs. The glued-together group waddled to where Dana stood, smiling.

“Come here, you!”

Trent walked like a robot, arms out in front of him toward Dana.

“Not you, but okay,” she laughed and gave him a light hug. She let Trent go, and the girls swarmed him.

“I meant you!” She did a sort of stuttered, excited shuffle to Mae, and threw her arms around her.

They parted, and Dana said, “What do you think?” She did a little twirl and showed off her new outfit. Her mini skirt had a pleated section that flew up when she twirled.

“Nice. Been here long?”

The group joined together and walked into the restaurant. They were seated quickly. Aisha and Alaya were busy talking over each other, telling Trent about their week at school while Dana and Mae caught up with each other.

“I’m going with the chicken Philly,” said Trent.

The girls sat on either side of him. Aisha ordered a grilled cheese and a dinner salad, and Alaya ordered a cheeseburger.

“Y’all ready?” Their waitress smiled, beaming at the group around the table.

Mae gave a gentle kick to Trent’s shin. “Behave,” she said.

“Yup, we’re ready!”

The group ordered, and chatted while waiting for their meals.

“So then, Jamie, she said…. Dana, what are you looking at?” Mae followed Dana’s eyes to a set of broad shoulders and a trim waist sitting at the bar.

“Sorry, what?” Dana said without looking away from the eye candy on the bar stool.

“Do you know him?” Mae asked.

“No, but I don’t think I’d mind getting to know him,” Dana said and raised her eyebrows.

“You…” Mae said with a little laugh.

“Can’t blame a girl for window shopping. He’s as fine as Ghirardelli Chocolate. I, uh, have to go to the ladies room. No need to come with me, though,” Dana rose and winked at Mae. “I can take care of this on my own.”

Mae shook her head and watched Dana walk away.

As Dana passed the bar, she made eye contact with the man. He had a draft beer glass in his hand, and had just pursed his lips on the rim to take a sip when he saw her. Dana paused ever so slightly, did a little twirl and walked to the ladies’ room with her miniskirt swaying with her stride.

When she came out, the man waved her over. “Hey, good-lookin’. Can I buy you a drink or something?”

“Oh, I’ve already ordered, but thanks. I’m Dana.” She held out her hand.

“Jerome.” He took her hand in his. “You here by yourself?”

She shook her head. “We’re on a family shopping spree.” She nodded in the direction of her table.

“Ah. Well, how about you give me your number, and we’ll see about getting you here sometime by yourself. Or somewhere else. You like to dance?”

“Oh, yeah. Here.” Dana pulled out her phone.

“Jerome Elias Watson!” A harsh voice pierced through the restaurant, right into Jerome’s eardrum.

“Sasha?” He winced and pulled away. Dana turned to see a rather large, very angry woman stomping their way. Her fury shone through the dark skin of her cheeks like the glow of embers at dusk. Jerome’s face reddened, and he turned to the bar and picked up his glass. “Shit.”

“Missy, you can just keep going.” She pointed a finger in Dana’s face.

“Oh no, you don’t. You need to talk to this sorry excuse for a man, not me. He came on to me.” She turned to Jerome. “Tell her.”

“You can’t talk about my man that way!” The woman took a step closer to Dana.

Unintimidated, Dana stepped inward, too. “He’s the one picking up women right under your nose. How would I know he had an old lady?”

Jerome swung around on his barstool and stepped between the two women. In any other situation, he would have been safe, but even a six-foot-two bundle of muscles is no match for women who are riled up.

“Old lady? Go look in the mirror!” Sasha reached an arm around Jerome to slap at Dana.

Jerome swung his arm out to block Sasha, but when her hand hit his arm, he bounced back and smacked Dana’s shoulder.

By that time, Trenton was walking calmly toward them with a stern look on his face. “Hey, be careful with my sister. Let’s just be cool, okay?” he said.

Alaya yelled from the table, “Yeah, leave my mom alone!”

Mae put a hand on the table.

“She’s okay. Uncle Trent is there, and we’re going to just stay here and not make it worse, okay?” Mae saw the girls as they nodded but watched closely, ready to defend their mom, and she felt kind of proud, the way the family stuck together.

Jerome’s temper flared. “Keep out of this, kid!”

Trenton put a hand on Jerome’s arm and led him and Sasha away from Dana. “That kid, as you called her, can run you down and put you on the floor before you can say ‘outside linebacker’. Just cool this off. Okay?”

Sasha folder her arms and huffed heavily. She shot a dirty look toward Dana, but then looked up at Jerome. “Yeah, what the hell? Get your ass home, motherfucker.”

He dropped a bill on the bar and left with his head low, and his woman behind him scolding him the whole way.

Dana held her head high and sat down at the table and watched the leave with daggers in her eyes.

“Should have stuck to window shopping,” Mae said, trying to inject some humor into the situation.

“I just wanted to try, not buy,” Dana said.

She and Mae laughed at the same time.

“Hey, look at it this way. You didn’t end up as ‘the other woman’. I think that Sasha would have drawn blood.”

“Yeah, but dammit. I just can’t get a break.”

The waitress arrived with their food, and they dug in.

“Uncle Trent, will you take us to Scoops & Smoothies for dessert?” Aisha asked.

“You gonna have room?” he teased.

“Let’s all go. Then we’re going to look at shoes,” Dana said, and raised a glass. “To family.”

They all raised their glasses and said, “To Family!”

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An Honest Discussion About Ferguson At Our Weekly Denny’s Meeting

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My family restored my faith in humanity tonight. I’ll get to that later, but first we sat down and ordered. Our waitress came over and took our order and looked like life had just kicked the shit out of her. She was not her normal perky self! I said, “What’s wrong pooky?”

She said, “My home burned down last night…I have eight kids.”

“Eight kids?” Dana asked. “My God that’s my worst nightmare!”

Our waitress let out a big chuckle and walked off.

Dana and I sat with the girls and Kristal. Dana said, “Welcome everyone to our weekly Denny’s Meeting! I’m glad to have you hear this week with us, Aisha!”

Aisha started to laugh and really I was just happy to be there with everyone. I wasn’t my normal self.

With tears in my eyes, I look at my beautiful bi racial nieces as we watch the news in Denny’s. “Girls, what do you think about what is going on in Ferguson, Missouri? Do you understand why people are so mad?”

My niece Alaya is 14. “Yes. They are mad because he was just a boy. People are mad because they think that the police officer that did it should have gotten in trouble. Black lives don’t matter.”

And that was when I lost it.

I look at my 15 year old niece Aisha that isn’t saying that much. Aisha always has a whole lot to say, “Aisha, do you understand why people are protesting?”

Aisha nods her head yes.

“Do you understand why they are protesting?”

“….Well…I understand why they are protesting…but….I don’t understand why they are burning down their own city…”I nod my head yes, “I think that is a very wonderful observation…but for some….burning and tearing that city down is so much more symbolic than just burning and tearing it down. It is tearing down every racial wall that anyone has ever built for you. Anyone that has ever made you feel different or unequal. Tonight is not a racial issue. It is a human rights issue.”

I keep going back to our waitress.Could you imagine your home burning down at the holidays?

Dana and the girls go to the restroom. I set there with Kristal and just stare off into the distance. I start to tear up again. “Shit ain’t ever gonna change Kristal…I’m SO sick of the same shit happening! I don’t know how much my more I can take!”

Kristal half way chuckles, “Maeviss…who you tellin? Just have to sit back and be like Gandhi. Be the change you seek in the world.”

Dana and the girls come back to the table. Our waitress  is weighing on both of our minds.Kristal calls over the cook. “Did her house really burn down?” He nods his head yes. Dana asks, “Does she really have eight kids?” He nods his head yes.

Kristal starts whispering in the cooks ear. She hands him her credit card and she keeps whispering in his ear. The cook gets a huge smile on his face.
The girls start smiling too. “Aunt Kristal are you giving that woman money?!?”
Dana says, “I want to help.” She pulls out her wallet.
Aisha and Alaya pull out dollar bills from their pocket. Aisha said, “It isn’t much, but here!”

Three grown men sitting next to us pay their bill. They are mad because they have been waiting for an hour for their food to get there, so they leave even though they have already have paid for their meal!

Their waitress sits their food down. Dana says, :”Cha-Ching! Free food!” She runs over and the girls are so embarrassed they get up and go to the car! Lmao, Dana said, “What?!?! You won’t be so embarrassed when we are eating it for breakfast tomorrow!”

Dana and Her Denny's Haul

I go home and when I walk in the door I fall to my knees and let out a long cry. My heart is with Ferguson tonight. Trent grabs me.I think about what Kristal said. What Dana said. What my nieces said.

And the only thing that kept playing over in my head was, “Don’t shoot. Don’t shoot.”

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Maegan Hagan Visit’s Jimmy John’s

Jimmy John's Fresh Sandwhich

Jimmy John’s Fresh Sandwhich

Let’s talk about Jimmy John’s Owensboro! Okay, so on two separate occasions I was almost in a car wreck over Jimmy John’s. The first time my beautiful and smart sister in law was driving me to the grocery store. She looked to the right on Frederica and said, “Oh my God! Jimmy John’s!” She got so excited she swerved the car! Okay! So, my first responses was, “Really?!? You almost killed us over a restaurant?!?” And she said, “No. You don’t get it. It’s Jimmy Johns!” I said, “What the f*&f is Jimmy Johns?!?” And she goes on to tell this long story about when she lived in Indy she would eat at. I was like…okay. That’s cool.
…The next day I’m in the car with Trent. Her brother and my husband. He is driving me to Starbucks’s AND HE DOES THE SAME THING! So, now I’ve almost died twice over some damn sandwiches. I said, “What is up with this family and this restaurant?!?”

So, I’m at work this last Friday and my best friend at work Sara wouldn’t stop talking about it! I mean she was going on about how great they are and how they deliver. At one point I was thinking, “Has Jim John’s hired you as a spokesperson? I mean are you being paid to endorse their sandwiches?”

So, today I leave my doctors office and my doctor had just gotten Jimmy Johns delivered. So, I left. And I don’t know why but I was like, “I’m going to go try it!”

I pull up to the restaurant and I’m mad anyways! Jimmy John’s was so packed we had to park across the street! I was talking to myself and everything! I was saying, “Damn sandwich It can’t be THAT great! I mean what’s so great about it? They put crack in it?!?’

Trent grabs my hand and says, “Mae. I promise you’ll get it. Please come on this journey of the mouth with me!”

We go inside and it is PACKED! The thing that immediately put a huge smile on my face was…they have a LOT of people working there. Like, there were at least twelve people working in a very tiny space. I was thinking, “I’m sold.” Owensboro needs this. That put a huge smile on my face. I mean the holidays are coming up and people need jobs. My total came to 10.52 for 2 number 2 big John’s. I was glad to pay. They got our sand which done HELLA fast! I mean like 2 minutes! The sand which was AMAZING! I mean it was SO fresh and the bread was like heaven! I’m sold, Owensboro! I’m sold!

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The Adventures of The Traveling Vibrator


Let me say, I know that I am not the only person to have an embarrassing Sex Toy story.

Steve Irwin was what my friend Janet had named her vibrator. She would have these long drawn out fantasies about how she would go on these adventures with The Crocodile Hunter. She would help him catch a crocodile,  and then he would pin her up against a wall, and then just plow the fuck out of her! Later, my friend would say that she went into a severe depression for days after he had been killed. She would go on to retire Steve Irwin, saying, “It just isn’t the same.”

Before,he so tragically was killed, Janet said that Steve Irwin had been missing for days. She couldn’t figure out where in the world it had gone to. For days she rifled through all of her belongings trying to figure out where she had placed her Steve Irwin!

One day, while bringing the groceries in, she saw her two boys standing in the middle of a group of children. Janet,  both curious and worried,  went up to the group of children standing around her two boys. Janet, looked in horror as she realized what her own children were doing to her! Apparently they had sat up their own side show attraction/ modern day lemonade stand/ peep show, where neighborhood kids would charge to see, (You guessed it,) Steve Irwin!

Crikey!

My last move before moving in with my husband I was limited on time to pack and was also short of hands. A friend of mine had said she would ask some friends of hers from church if they would help me move.  My friend Wayne had just moved out of my apartment. While he was there Wayne  had been using my dresser to place all of his personal items

Wayne, had prided himself on his collection of sex toys. He had all different types of sizes,  and shapes, and colors!
Oh my! 

Because we were short on time and hands I just thought we could move the dresser, and I would sort everything out later.

So, these two teenage boys are loading up my dresser on to the truck,  and what should happen next?  One of the boys lost footing and the dresser door came open to reveal, not only Wayne’s extensive collection of gay pornography, but SEVERAL dildo’s!

The kid looked at the contents of the drawer, looked at me, looked back at the drawer,  and closed it, Not saying a single word. To this day I look back in horror wondering if I have scarred this innocent church going boy for life.

Thanks, Wayne.

Another friend of mine Lana was living with her father after she had recently moved back from Indianapolis. Her kids had been going through her purse trying to dig out change, but it so happened that her purse was where she kept her vibrator!
Lana was a single mom, and she was putting it in her purse because she wanted to avoid anyone finding it in her drawer.

Her son, who was five years old, grabbed it and took it out of her purse.
Her father was in the living room watching TV.
The son went in the living room and sat it in her father’s lap!
The father, realizing what it was, and too embarrassed to say anything, very politely wrapped it up with its cord very neatly and handed it back to Lana. Lana would use this as motivational tool to find a new place as fast as possible.

Or, there was the time I went to visit my sister in-law Stacey. She had a huge black eye!
“What happened?” I screeched.
“Your brother hit me in the eye with my vibrator,” she said in a long, drawn out southern accent.
It turned out that they had gotten a little too into it sex one night. 
For two weeks Stacey went around saying,  “My husband hit me in the eye with my vibrator!”

Which brings me to my story. My story, so awful, that I often am laying in bed at night,  and will wince at the mere thought if it.

I had just brought my puppy Henry home a few days ago. My husband was very sick, and I asked a local Catholic church if they could possibly come to my house to interview me to see if I qualified for assistance. If you qualify they will help you make your electric payment if you are about to be disconnected. We were about to be disconnected.

I never really know what to say to really religious people. I feel like I’m having to hold back the entire time, and I think that most of the time they don’t know how to handle me either.

The man that worked for the church was very kind to me, and he talked to me about my experiences with Christianity and what it meant to live a Christian life. He started to ask a little more about me. Well, I didn’t really know what to say.
I thought,  “Oh hey! I can show him the dog! You can’t go wrong with a dog!

“Henry! Come here, Henry! ” I looked at the man and very proudly and awkwardly proclaimed , “I have a dog!”

Henry staggered into the room and he had something purple in his mouth and I couldn’t quite make out what it was….and then I figured out what it was. It was Barney – my vibrator!

I stared in horror as Henry dropped the vibrator in the middle of the floor. It turned on and started flopping around like a freshly caught fish.
But, no! It didn’t stop there! Henry, still a baby, didn’t understand why it was flopping around. He started barking uncontrollably. I can’t tell you how quickly I leaped,  scooped Barney up, and made a hail Mary pass to the bedroom!

It turned out Henry had very curiously made his way to my night stand and had dug out my vibrator. When I replay it in my mind now I think, that would make a great pop up book for adults!
It could be about Henry running around town getting into adventures and making friends with my vibrator….(palm face,).
I looked at the man, praying to God that he didn’t see the same thing I just witnessed. If he did he didn’t utter a single word about it.

He very politely excused himself saying, “I hate to leave, but I have a few other places I have to be today.”
It may have just been in my head, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye either.

“Wait!” I called after, “Can you still pay my bill?”

I want to know what your embarrassing Sex Toy stories are. The more embarrassing the better!

I think I may make this into an adult pop up book series, what do’ya think?

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I Stabbed My Brother

For as long as I’ve remembered, I’ve never fully gotten along with Brent. Brent is my brother and he is 12 years older than me. When I was 13, and my Mom got sick, Brent moved back home and took on the responsibility of taking care of her. 

Only he wasn’t really taking care of her. She was dying. She was so sick she couldn’t walk from the bed to the bathroom. No, Brent said he was moving back to help take care of Mom, but really it was for his own alterior motives. He was living there rent free, and then he would bring these dumb bitches back to the house right under mom’s nose and he’d fuck them in the house. 

When I was 13 Mom got really bad. One night she had taken a bath and was sitting on the side of the bed trying to get dressed. She went to sit on the bed and I was trying to help her. I put her shirt on her and then went to put her pants on. She laid there.  “Momma, I need you to stand up so we can put the rest of your pants on.” She stood up, and as soon as she did she lost her balance and fell. She started talking to me, “Don’t panic Maegan. I am okay. I don’t think you’re gonna be able to get me up, so I need you to call Brent.”

I ran and got the phone and dialed for Brent.  It rang a million times and he just wouldn’t answer his phone!  I left a thousand voicemails it seemed. “Brent,  momma fell on the ground and I don’t think I can get her up and she’s naked!” I screamed.

I went in the bedroom with Momma. “I can’t get a hold of him.” I got a blanket and I put it under her to try and shimmy her up. “Come on Momma, just shimmy your butt my way!”

Momma tried but she couldn’t.  I stood up and tried to lift her myself, but I was only pulling her arms and hurting her more. I started to cry, “I’m sorry Mamma!” I put the blanket down next to her and lay on the cold floor.
“Come here baby.”

She was so weak. I lay next to her and she comforted me. It was 8PM and I still couldn’t get a hold of Brent. At nine he answered the phone long enough to say, “Leave me alone, I’m at the movies!”

“I hate Brent, ” I said outloud.
“No you don’t,” she responded.
“No. Mama. I HATE Brent”
“No. You. Don’t. You’re jealous of his freedom. He can go off and leave the house and be away from here. He’s not stuck in this prison. One day it’s gonna be you.”

I lay with Mama on the floor until three in the morning. Brent came staggering in the house with some random.

“Why the fuck were you blowing my phone up all night you fat bitch? ” he said, slurring his words.
“Because Mom fell on the floor and has been on the floor since 7PM tonight.” I said slowly. Afraid of myself. Afraid of what I may do to him.
“Well why the fuck didn’t you pick her up you lazy fat bitch!?” He screamed.
“I think I’m gonna call it a night, ” Brent’s date said awkwardly.
“Yeah I think its best you do that.” I snapped back.

I followed Brent into the bedroom. He picked Mom up in less than a second. “It’s not her fault, Brent. She tried picking me up for almost an hour and then she laid on the floor with me until you got here.”

I had to be at school the next day. Most kids are in bed asleep at three in the morning. Not me.

Mom passed soon after that. Dad was sick too when she passed. Social Services came in the week she died and told Brent that if he didn’t take guardianship over me I was going to be handed over to the state.

Looking back now, I think Brent really thought he was doing the right thing. I think he didn’t want to see his little sister be placed in a Foster home.

So, we got back home, and we all tried getting into the swing of things. Getting used to life without Mom.

When you have a parent that is disabled and receiving money from the Federal Government, if you are under 18 years of age, you receive money, too. It’s to be used on rent or electricity. Before Mom passed, the money was used to take me to the doctor to get my anxiety meds.

After mom passed Brent didn’t take me to the doctor. He didn’t use my money for me at all. When I was 15 in the dead of Winter, Brent took off to Illinois and left Dad and I with no food, no heat, and none of my medicine.

I knew if Dad and I were going to make it through the Winter I was going to have to get a job. I went after school to a local grocery store- Wesselman’s. I got the job, and because I was 15 I had to make sure I got a permit signed saying I could work with my parents permission. I remember going home that night so excited. We didn’t need Brent! In fact, if I saw Brent, I was going to stab him.

I had been off my meds for going on a month the night it all happened. I came home all excited that I had gotten the job, and, I was really proud of myself. I hear screaming coming from the house before I go in. Its Dad and Brent.

“You were supposed to help me take care of her!” Dad screamed.

Brent stood there as I walked in. “I don’t need him. He ain’t running shit!” I screamed getting in his face. I’m manic and crazy and I can see the fear in Brent’s eyes.

“I got a job today. I just need Dad to sign this and then I start tomorrow!” I flashed the piece of paper.

Brent snatched it out of my hand and ripped it in half! I was furious and could no longer restrain myself. I went to the kitchen and grabbed the first sharp object I could find – a pair of scissors. I ran into the living room with all my might and stabbed Brent on his left arm.

I immediately regretted it. I’ll never be able to physically hurt anyone ever again. I still to this day can remember the scissors hitting his bone. He fell to the ground in long deep sobs. There was blood everywhere. Dad picked him up and took him to the hospital. They told the hospital it was an accident.

Later that night Dad made sure I went to the hospital too. The doctor got me back on all my meds and I started to feel right again.

Brent and I still don’t talk much to this day. In fact it was a miracle that we made it through me turning 18. I often think back on that night that Mamma and I were laying on that cold, dark floor, waiting to be saved. I was jealous of his freedom, and she was right, I finally got my freedom too. And I never looked back.

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If You’re Trying To Get My Attention I’m Listening

At the age of twelve I was told I had endometriosis. I didn’t understand what they meant. I just knew it was the reason why my period had lasted for a month.

I have insurance now for the first time in my life, and I decided I was going to take full advantage of it. A while back I told you all I was going to see an OBGYN in February and figure out what was going on with the miscarriages and the infertility.

Then Trent got sick. So, I was going to put off going. Even though I haden’t had a pap smear since I was 21.

I feel so fucking dumb. You don’t understand though. There were reasons for me never going to see a doctor about it. I was a kid when I found out I had endo and my mom had just died and I didn’t understand any of what was going on down there. And then I was an adult and would go to the health department and they would be REALLY mean! “You have had how many partners?’ The judgement in their voice palpable.  I figured,  I’m young, ain’t nothing gonna happen to me!

Mid February I started having pain in my lower back. It kind of was a weird pressure on my bladder that made it hard for me to pee. So, having insurance,   (good insurance, ) I scheduled a pap smear to see if there was a connection. 

I didn’t get into see the doctor until March 11th. The doctor I sought out was the same doctor I had in mind three months ago. He is great. Dr. K comes in and he’s super charming and easy to talk to. We go over my histories of miscarriages. He ask me about Trent. I tell him about endometriosis.  I tell him about the pain and I want to know if it can be fixed.

“How long had you and your husband been trying to conceive? ”

“Almost six years,” I say.

“We have a problem. But it can be fixed, ” he says with such optimism it makes me feel like I’m not alone.

He describes a liproscopic procedure where they go in through the bellybutton and take anything off of my endometrium lining that could be causing me problems.  

“Are you interested in this?” he asks.

“Absolutely, ” I say with tears in my eyes. Completely amazed that there is someone that can help me with this thing that has caused me so much pain my entire life.

He tells me he is going to get an ultrasound, look at it, and tell me when he can get me in the following week.

So I’m having my ultrasound done, she finishes, I call Trent and tell him what they plan on doing the following week. Trent is really happy and I am too. Dr. K knocks on the door and I tell Trent I will call him back.

The doctor doesn’t seem as optimistic as he was before …he looks worried.

….”….How heavy are your periods?”

“Pretty heavy.”

“We need to do some exploration down there. …Your endometrium line is…so thick and hollow.” The more I talk to him, the more pauses are between his sentences. This is not the same confidant man I talked to less than 20 minutes ago.
“It looks like we may have a polyp growth. Or a growth of some kind. We are going to cut it off and see if it is benign.”

I sit there and I nod my head and I leave his office setting up an appointment for the procedure. 

I call Trent and ….I fall down to the ground in tears. I can’t breath. Are you fucking kidding me?

I look up everything I can the next few days. Everything I’m reading is saying the same thing,  once the pain reached the colon area it is never good. That’s with endometriosis, polyps, uteran cancer.  But I won’t even know. So, for the next few days I sit here obsessing over every possible outcome.

I go to the pre op meeting and I talked to the anesthesiologist.

“Have you ever had a surgery?”

“Just one.  I had my tonsils taken when I was twelve.  I woke up during the surgery.”

She had a puzzled look on her face. “You woke up during the surgery?”

“Yeah. While they were inside my mouth. I remember them taking a few minutes to figure out I was awake…” I start to cry. “The last thing I remembered was everyone trying to hold me down. I woke up throwing up blood everywhere. After that it was always a big fear of mine, when is it going to happen again?  When am I going to need surgery?”

She explains to me that it is known as Aware Anesthesia.  She has only read about it, never seen it. What happened to me was a freak accident.  She says the anesthesiologist will be by my side the entire time. He will never leave my side. He will be watching me the entire time.

“Now, we need to discuss your anxiety problem. ” She says.

“How could you tell? ”

She points to my collar bone where I look down and realize there is a huge whelp where I had been pinching myself. Something I haven’t done in years.

“I have generalized anxiety disorder with some obsessive compulsive tendencies. I’be been diagnosed with it since I was 12. I was medicated with Xanax for my entire life until the facility I was seeing to prescribe it was no longer allowed to. ”

“What do you do for you anxiety now?” She asks.

“…Deal with it,  Pinch myself, Beta blocker, Drive everyone nuts talking in a loop.”

“We see that a lot in this town. I’m going to have something given to you first thing in the morning when you first get here.” She says.

I leave feeling a little better about the surgery. It is scheduled for March 21st at 7:45.

To the best of my knowledge he is going to go in there, blow a bubble of gas around all my organs,(dafuq?) And from there he will be poking around and feeling on all my major organs, scraping off anything that is on the lining that shouldn’t be, and removing any polyps he sees anywhere. Was told originally the recovery time is two days, but the more I’m reading, the different the answer to it is.

I’m sitting here tonight sad and angry. I mean, are you fucking kidding me?

I know I’m always talking about signs, but this is one hell of a way to get my attention.  I’m not trying to go to the worst place, but I keep thinking, if its near the colon it is never good. 

Not to mention the time I have to take off from work and the fact that THIS WASN’T APART OF THE STORY!

I feel very out of control and I really wish I could get my thoughts and my mind right before I go.

Meanwhile,  do I really take that bad of care of myself that it even fucking came to this? Oh, that’s right! Who the fuck has time to take care of your self when you are working two jobs and your husband’s sick too.

It wasn’t supposed to go this way.

Dear Universe,
If you’re trying to get my attention-
I’m listening.

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The Question

What can you take away from someone who has nothing? Some of my really scary thoughts have been coming back.

My husband of five years Trent was at work and he started screaming of a pain in his lower back. They rushed him to the hospital and they told him he had diabetes type 2 and emphysema. Someday I’ll give you the full story and everything in between that led up to him being in the hospital,  but for now our story continues after.

We had been living in an apartment that has black mold. For quite some time. And so when we found out Trent had emphysema I knew we couldn’t go back there. My father in-law invited us to come stay with him until we could save up for a new apartment. 

My life feels out of order. I’m staying strong for Trent and trying to make better choices, like not giving in to cravings for Taco Bell at 1 am, but damn it, I want a fucking cheeseburger.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed. Most days I can’t figure out why I’m  so angry,Most days I can’t figure out why nothing makes sense. Most days I hear people talking and I start to tune them out. My mind goes to that place that I know it’s only been three other times in my life. I start thinking that the scariest thing of all.

I hate that nothing ties me to here. You have no idea how easy it is for me to walk away from everything. I’m trying to get better as I get older,  but that scary thought of being able to walk away from everything is still there.

So, it’s 11:42 AM. I have taken the dog out to the car with me, I am listening to Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd and I’m sitting here writing.

I’m sitting here thinking about how The Universe has a way of balancing out everything.  How there’s a whole story that has yet to be told. I am thinking about how there are positives to this situation.  And then I start to break down in tears because I’m tired.

Dear Universe: I know you have a way of balancing everything out, but if you could make it slightly easier for me I would really appreciate it.

The question was: What do you take away from someone who has nothing? The answer: Nothing. I’m still me. I’m still Maegan Hagan. At the end of the day you can take away my home and my money,  but you can’t take away my stories or any of the experiences I’ve had with people.  I am me. I am beautiful.  I am strong. I am here.

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“She worries so nobody else has to.” Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving is my day to shine! I spend months prepping and planning and slaving, and worrying! How many can relate?

And, the whole time you’re thinking, is anyone even going to appreciate it?

My Dad understood the importance of this. I remember my Grandmother Stella standing over that hot ass stove EVERY YEAR, and Dad telling me to go help her. I would shrug my shoulders and go up to her, “Grandma, do you need any help?’ She would smile and say, “No, baby. I’m fine.”

I have always loved Thanksgiving! It is that one hoiday where you see people all year long that you want to see, but sometimes you just don’t have the time! Thanksgiving, is the day that we have been socialized and taught that it is the day you HAVE to see them!

And you get to eat as MUCH food without one person DARING to say anything about your weight!

So, if you will give me the chance I will teach you how to have the perfect Thanksgiving, and how to prep, budget, and plan accordingly!

So, first you need to figure out where you are going to have Thanksgiving, My husband and I live in a one bedroom walk up, so if we want to have get together, it is nearly impossible. Actually, having more that Trent and myself in the apartment makes me feel like someone is setting on my chest. It’s a tight fit.

We typically go to My Father in-law, Mike’s house. However, with Travis being sick, Mike went to the hospital this year and spent the day with Travis. My family is kind of out there, but I figured this would give me a chance to see my brother Dirk who I never get to see, and let me show off my cooking talents to them.

Decide on a time. This year we decided to eat around dinner time. I told everyone that I wanted to shoot for 5:00pm. We typically have it at noon, but I figured a dinner would be lovely.

I gave myself a budget of 200.00. 200.00 is actually a lot for me to spend, and it was my entire take home pay, but I desperately need to feel in control on Thanksgiving, and if it takes almost my entire pay check to feel thay way, then I’ll do it!

I made a menu: Appetizers: Bitch Dip Crab Rangoon Shrimp, (There’s a reason behind this, I’ll get back to that!) Veggie Platter

Main Course Deep Fried Cajun Turkey

Side Dishes Cranberry Sauce Corn Casserole Green Bean Casserole Brocolli and rice casserole Sweet potato casserole Cheddar Bay Biscuits Mac N Cheese Mashed Potatos

Desserts Pecan Pie Pumpkin Pie

So, I go to the store and I get all of the ingredients. I actually was only able to buy the ingredient the day before because I got paid on Wednesday, but, it worked out PERFECTFLY! When I went to the store I actually had it in my mind that this year I am going to focus on help with my appetizers so I can give ALL my attention to the Turkey. Because lets be honest-the turkey can make or break your entire meal. Last year we chose to do a Turducken, and it was very expensive, but if you are like me you enjoy the challenge of it all and you love the bragging rights! Last year the Turducken was beautiful and it made for some great dinner conversations!

This year I had A LOT to live up to. I wanted to do something I had never done before, I wanted to deep fry a turkey!

With the help of Kroger I bought a few of my appetizers. I bought a veggie platter and a Shrimp platter. The shrimp platter was for my husband Trent. He loves shrimp, and every year I go through an epic battle with him to leave the food alone. By the end of the day I,’ve done everything short of asking for a divorce just to get him away from the food. I made Bitch Dip and Crab Rangoon this year. Now, what is Bitch Dip? Bitch Dip is really easy and you have probably already eatten it once in your life. I call it Bitch Dip because a bitch taught me how to make it, AND, it is something that when you are hungry you pop it in your mouth and you stop bitching.

Bitch Dip 1 block of velveeta cheese 1 can of Rotel 2 packages of sausage

Directions: Fry up sausage and make sure you chop it up. If you want to save money, hamburger is actually a pretty good substitution and it gives you more. While you are frying up the Sausage or Hamburger you cut up and entire block of cheese and put it in a microwavable safe dish. Open the can of Rotel and put on top. You then put the sausage on top and microwave for three minutes. This will save you time so please take advantage. You then put in a crock pot and just let it sit over night. Remember this is made the night BEFORE Thanksgiving, when you will be doing the most prep work.

This is one of the more loved dishes in my house, please feel free to tweak it and let me know other ways of making it better. We usually eat half of it the night before Thanksgiving and its something that keeps our bellies full!

The next dish that can be done the night before is the Crab Rangoon. This was my first time making them, so I was TERRIFIED I was going to screw them up!

Crab Rangoon 1 package of wonton wraps 1 package of cream cheese 2 green onions finely chopped 1 tbsp soy sauce dash of garlic powder 1 immitation crab meat

Okay, so you can USE real crab meat but its really expensive, and I didnt want to buy it for something that i didnt even know if anyone was going to like. So, like I said I bought the immitation crab meat for 2.50 and I couldn’t stand the smell so I threw it out! And after reading tons of user boards, many people said the same thing, you can use it, but it really isn’t necessary.

You take the ingredients listed above and you mix them all together and you take the wonton wrapper and put a dab of it on the inside. You then proceed to wrap it like a flower. Once again, this is prep work done the night before. You do this and you put it on a platter and wrap it up with seran wrap to be made the next day. This dish can be baked or fried, but I practiced baking it, and it was REALLY good EITHER way!

So, something I go back and forth with every year is whether or not I should do my casserole the night before. This year I chose to mix up the casseroles the night before.

Corn Casserole 1 can of regular sweet corn 1 can of cream style corn 1tub of sour cream 1 box of Jiffy 1 stick of unsalted butter 1 bag of casserole cheese

This casserole is typically a favorite in my house hold. I usually double up the ingredients because it is so cheap to make! This was a dish made by my grandmother so this is usually a favorite of everyone’s because they associate it with my Grandma Stella. You throw all of the ingredients listed above together, with the exception of the cheese, amd you toss it in the oven at 350 for 45 minutes. You then put the casserole cheese on top and bake for another 15 minutes. Its simple and easy to make!

I then moved on to my Rachael Ray, It’s Not Easy Being Green-Bean Casserole Simply put, it’s like the regular old Green Bean Casserole, with the exception of you use real mushrooms and shallots.

It’s Not Easy Being Green-Bean Casserole 1 can of cream of mushroom 1 handful of mushrooms shallots 2 cans of french stye cut green beans 1 can of Durkees French French Fried Onions 3/4 a cup of milk

Sautee your mushrooms and shallots and then throw together everything listed above, including the fench fried onions, (with the exception of 1/4 th of them,). Bake at 350 for 45 minutes and then you throw the rest of the french fried onions on top and you are finished.

For the yams and the brocolli and rice casserole i really cut corners this year and I’ll get back to that in a second. I actuallly went ahead and I saw this already made deal in Kroger’s deli, and it is not good AT ALL. I will never cut corners in that aspect again.

Everything for both came freshly made, the yams came with a bag of cranberries, walnuts, marshmellows and yams that were very beautiful and cut fine. It also came with a tiny thing of syrup. The directions SAID to Take the yams and syrup and mix them in a bowl together. The only thing the directions said for me to add were 2 tbsp of butter. It then said to add foil to the top of the container it came in and place it on a baking sheet and in the oven for 45 minutes. Okay, so I did so, and 45 minutes later how pissed was I when I took it out of the oven, and not only did the yams NOT get done AT ALL, but I realized I had wasted 45 minutes on a work,  he threw those in a pan of boilng water and let them boil for about 45 minutes. He took them out, drained them, but syrup we magically found in the cubby, along with honey, and butter and we threw the cranberries, walnuts, and marshmellow’s on top.

The Brocolli Rice Casserole was EVEN worse! The pre made dish came with brocolli, onions, rice, cheese, and cream of mushroom. The directions SAID to take the brocolli and onions in sautee them in vegetable oil for five minutes. For some reason it the brocollli didn’t want to cook! It was the oddest thing! I don’t know if I was getting tired but it just kept getting worse from there! I threw in the rice and cream of mushroom thinking, its fine, the brocolli will just get done when I put it in the oven. It did not work! Thee rice tasted doughy? IT WAS FUCKING WEIRD! And it is Trent’s favorite dish so I felt SUPER bad! I ended up throwing it out!

That was Wednesday night, I finished with enough time to watch American Horror Story: Asylum, and I tried relaxing but I really couldn’t! Lol, I just kept thinking, I’m going to screw up the Turkey, none of the sides are going to be hot by the time I get the turkey done, what if the Crab Rangoon falls apart when I’m frying them? Should I have gotten the dog neutered with this pay check instead of buying all of this food everyone may or may not eat? IS THERE A BETTER FUCKING WAY TO KEEP THIS SHIT HOT?

After googling what seemed to be a million different things on ways to keep the sides warm I finally passed out at Midnight. I woke up at Eight to hear Trent talking on the phone to Dirk. He said he was in Yankeetown and he was almost here. I rushed to the bathroom and started taking a shower. I got out and dried off just in time to greet Dirk at the door, to which I discovered that Trent had gotten the veggie and the shrimp tray out and ate almost 60 pieces of shrimp BY HIS SELF! Okay, so that actually was part of my plan. I wanted him to get into the shrimp and eat himself stupid until he passed out, beause every year he gets and pokes around at everything I’m making. Well, I like to take pictures of my food after I’ve made it, but I can’t take pictures if he has bitten into almost everything I’ve made!

But, it looked like he had picked over the appetizers! Dirk looked totally disappointed! I started to laugh when I saw Dirk’s face. “Did you mother fucker’s decide to eat without me?” I started to laugh and I gave him a hug. I love my brother Dirk. He has had a really rough life, and he really just wants to take care of his son, Justin. I gave him and Justin an even longer hug and told them to to get the fuck out of the kitchen, because I had a turkey to make!

Cajun Deep Fried Turkey 2 cups of melted butter 1/4 a cup of onion juice 1/4 a cup of garlic juice 1/4 a cup of louisiana style hot sauce 1/4 a cup of worshister sauce 2 tbsp of ground black pepper 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper 7 fluid ounces of beer 3 gallons of peanut frying oil 1 12 lb turkey

So, you begin with melting the butter, and mixing in the onion juice, garlic sauce, worchester sauce, hot sauce, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and beer. This recipe is really ALL about the seasoning. You take a baster and use it to put ALL the mixture over and in the turkey. After the turkey has all of the nasty stuff pulled out its okay to put a stick of butter on the inside. I have found over the years that this makes the turket EXTREMELY moist. To the point where it falls apart in your mouth. This was put in a turkey bag the night before so it was allowed time for all the juices to soak up the seasonings.

All right so, its Thursday, and as I told you, I worry every year that everything is going to go wrong. I’m outside and Sheena comes out there. I have the friar and I lowered the turkey in the pan and poured the oil in the the friar to the point where it was going to cover the entire turkey.

Sheena has started crying. A vital part of the story is that, the reason why I had to do this for dinner is because Sheena and Brent had to go with Sheena’s mom to Shoney’s for lunch. Well, I had used Sheena’s phone the night before because my phone was dead and I was still looking up tips for Thanksgiving. I had put the phone on the charger and I guess her mom had been calling her all morning. When Sheena finally answered her mother was screaming at the top of her lungs at her. “Where the hell are you?!?” She screamed. “You’ve slept half of the day away!” She screeched. It’s also important to note that it was ten o’clock when she said that to Sheena and also, Sheena has worked the day before from 7 am until 11 pm. So, she was exausted! I gave her a hug and told her to do as we had already planned. Go see her mom, say hello, and happy Thanksgiving, and then come home, and we will make our own memories and have our own Thanksgiving. She left and I got the oil heated up to 365 degree’s. I then submerged the turkey completely in the oil and I sat out there for about twenty minutes. It was supposed to be done for about 40 minutes, BUT we weren’t going to be eating until five. So, I decided to roast the rest of the turkey at noon after everyone had gotten home. So, I go inside and I pop all of the casserole in. Bam! Bam! Bam! I’m knocking it out right and left. I have put the appetizer’s back in the fridge so they can all be cold when everyone went to eat. It’s about two, so I decide to put the turkey in the oven. I put it in a roasting pan and baisted it in butter. I can’t explain to you HOW MUCH BUTTER IS THE KEY WITH TURKEY’S! IT WILL MAKE OR BREAK YOUR ENTIRE MEAL! Nobody wants a dry turkey!

So, I put the oven on 350 and I put the timer on 350. While that is going on I put the oil in a pan on top of the stove and I start to heat it up.

Sheena and Brent are back home trying to recover from her mother, but everyone is there. Trent has snuck off to the back and has passed out after eating all the shrimp, (as predicted!) I then throw in the Crab Rangoon in the oil. It actually heated up in a matter of twenty seconds. I only did five at a time and I didn’t crowd them in the pan, which really helped! I put them on top of paper towels and I knock out about fifty of them. I set them to the side. I start on the potatos. At this point, people are starting to complain that they are hungry. Fuck that! You got time to bitch in my kitchen, you got time, to cook! Trent got to work on the Cheddar Bay Biscuits and Sheena started peeling potatoes. As Sheena was peeling potatoes I ran to her neighbors and asked if I could borrow a mixer for the potatoes. They said sure! Well, they follow me back over, and we are chit chatting. Well, I can’t tell this to people enough, the things people wonder about me and worry about me, are things I’m already concerned I’ve fucked up! I wish I could explain that enough! Well her neighbors see the brocolli rice casserole and say, “What is this?” With a look of disgust on their face. It’s nothing. It’s from a corner I was trying to cut, I’m about to throw it out. They hear the timer go off in the oven, I pull open the door and they see that I didnt have aluminum foil on the turkey. Well, most of you probably know, you only have to have foil on the turkey the first few hours you are making it. The last few hours is for it to become a golden brown. And they said, “Maegan, you should’ve put aluminum foil on it to seal in the moisture. It’s probably not going to be tender now.” Well, my nerves started getting the best of me and I started to cry.

I thought about all of the work I had put into it, and how much I wanted everyone to like it, and ALL of the MONEY I DON’T HAVE! And, maybe we should’ve just gone to Shoney’s? Trent grabbed me, “Mae.” I’m not responding. “Mae!” He shouts and shakes me. Everyone is looking. “What’s wrong?” Trent makes everyone leave and get out of the kitchen.

My brother Brent comes in. “Maegan, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I shake my head. “I’ll be fine.”

“She had a panic attack. She’s fine now.” Trent says relieved.

The turkey is done at this point, I pull it out of the oven and put foil on it. I throw all of the casseroles in the oven to heat them up and I start cutting the potatoes. The next thing I know Trent goes over to the turkey and starts picking at it. He starts picking at it after he ate all those expensive Shrimp. Something in me at that moment snapped. I was holding the knife, and I put it to Trent’s chest, “Trent, if you touch that Turkey one more time, you’re gonna lose a hand!” Trent starts to laugh and then I started to laugh and I needed it! Sometimes, I really feel unappreciated! So, Brent comes in the kitchen as we are finishing up the potatos and gravy and shells and cheese. Brent asked if there was anything he could do. I started to laugh and I just said to hell with it! I am not my Grandma Stella! She could’ve fixed a feast without any help at all but I just can’t! “I need you to finish up the potatos.” I said, completely exasberated. I’m throwing everything on the table, one by one and Brent doesn’t really know what to say. I’m slicing the cranberries and he says, “Wow, you really went out! This a real fiest!” I start to chuckle, “It better be, I’ve been planning it for months now. ” “I’m really proud of you, Maegan. You’ve become a real Susie Homemaker.” “Rachael Ray!” Sheena chimes in. I roll my eyes, “Yeah, well I don’t feel like it, Grandma used to do all of this with NO ONE’S help!” Brent stops what he’s doing, “Maegan. Grandma did it for a million years. She also had people that brought their own casseroles over, and she had two ovens. Look at this fiest you cooked, ALL by yourself. We’re proud of you. And you got us all together, which isn’t the easiest thing to do since Dad died.” I finish placing all of the food on the table. Brent picks up his camera and starts taking pictures. “I just can’t get over this.” He says.

So, everyone comes in and we hol hand and Trent says grace and then he carves the turkey and everyone eats! There were things that I didn’t think of that I will have learned a lesson from this year. The Crab Rangoon was impeccable, and it was the best part of the meal. The turkey was FUCKING AMAZING! However, it is more of a dish that would be better for only adults.

Because I am extremely self depricating I would like to take the next part to talk about all of the things that coul’dve gone better and critique myself so I have something to remember for next year. With the turkey the adults seemed to like it, but the kids had A LOT of complaints about it being hot! A LOT! So, next year I’m probabluy going on the lighter side. I also will probably request that people bring their own side dishes. It is hard keeping them warm without burning them. Especially with one oven! Also, next year I want to focus on less dishes with cheese. I didn’t realize but pretty much every dish had cheese in it or on it! Maybe a little more diverity next year? What are your thoughts? This girl is open for suggestions!

After everyone had ate I couldn’t find Trent, I thought he was in the back passed out from eating all the turkey, He was in the back writing this,

“Been a good drama free day with my in-law’s. Besides the part where Mae threatened to stab me if I touched her Turkey until it was finished. I mean I saw the turkey, and I wanted to pick at it, and one thing led to another, and she just happened to be slicing the potatoes, and she held a knife to me and said, “If you touch this turkey one more time your gonna lose a hand!” I can’t help it, this woman knows her way around the kitchen! And those Crab Rangoon was GOOOOOOD! They were just like at a restaurant!  My wife is crazy and cool and I love our lives together. She worried for six weeks about this meal, and it can get really stressful when she worries so much, but I get it. She worries so no body else has to and there’s something beautiful about that. I’m so thankful for my wife.  Love you boo.”

I am extremely thankful for my life and the crazy people in it! Crazy beats crazy in this family and I love every second of it!

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The Tradegy That Occurred On Our Fifth Wedding Anniversary

I had picked out the perfect outfit. I had gotten my hair straightened,  and my nails done. I wanted to look perfect for him. My husband Trenton.

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Trent said he was taking me to my favorite restaurant The Miller House. Its the most expensive restaurant in town. Its well worth the amount of money you pay to eat there. Service is top notch and you get an AMAZING Appitizer called The Southern Sampler. It has fried cheese grits, fried green tomatoes, sweet potatoe chips, and delicious bree. The scenery is amazing and they play beautiful music in the back ground as you romantically hold hands. 

We were sitting there talking about our dreams for the next five years, we had ordered our tea and the southern sampler and it was all just -perfect.

And then –
Trent’s dad called. You see, Trent’s identical twin brother had been in surgery while we were there.

We had decided to go to the hospital and visit him the day before, so we could have our anniversary all to ourselves.  And we weren’t planning on coming to the surgery because, well, it was just a regular proceedure that they had done two other times that week.

It had gone fine the rest of the week. Heck, when Trent and I visited him the day before he was spelling people’s name on a piece of paper and he was VERY responsive.

We talked about their 30th birthday and how its about to be next month and Travis motioned that he wanted us all to get drunk.

So, we are sitting there at The Miller House and Trent answers his phone thinking that his dad is going to tell him that the surgery is over and they had him closed up.

Instead Mike told Trent he wad on his way to The Miller House and he needed to talk to him. I looked at my husband from across the table and I knew something was wrong. He had lost all the color in his face.

I started to cry and everyone in the restaurant was looking.  “Trent, ” I manage to muster from my throat. “What’s wrong, your starting to scare me…”

Trent hung up the phone and told the waiter he needed to pay because we had an emergency we had to take care of. He told me to go to the car.

I went outside and Mike was standing in front of the restaurant. 

Trent followed and the color still haden’t returned to his face.
Mike started,  “Travis had a really bad infection. They are putting him back into the ICU, they may or may not have to put in a trechea, and they putting him in a paralyzed coma.”

I stood there in shock. Trent fell on the ground in long deep sobs, “I know its scary son. Its okay to be scared, I am too.” Mike says.

We drove to the hospital. We waited until it was our turn to see him.

We walked into the ICU and we saw Travis. Trent held his hand, “Bubba, I need you to get better. We love you…” Trent broke down and started to cry.

We left the hospital around midnight.

We went to sleep and the next day we went to work and visited Travis at nine when we got off. Trent had dropped me off at the door and I actually went up to his room without Trent. Travis’ leg was hanging off the bed! I screamed for the nurse to get in there.
“Nurse! His leg is almost completely off the bed!” I said.
“Yeah, ” She says nonchalantly. “He’s been doing that all day.”

I pause for a moment, “Is that normal? With him supposed to be paralyzed and all?”

“We have given him as much pain sedatives as humanly possible,  he just keeps fighting it.”

I go and sit in the chair next to him. I hold his hand, “Hey buddy.” He opens up his eyes and opens his mouth. It looks like he’s trying to say something. It looks like he’s trying to say, “Help me!” I jump up startled. I sit back down and I grab hid hand.  “You’re okay Bubba. I need you to calm down and stop fighting this.”

I see Trent walking down the hall and I decide to keep it to myself what it looked like he had said.

Trent is holding his hand and I decide to give them a moment alone.

Trent meets back up with me at ten when visitation is over. He us just as disturbed as me at how restless he was.

I get home and talk to Dana.
“I’m a little fucked up after seeing Travis.”
“I know! Me too! It was like he was fighting it!”
Later on we are talking and she says that when she worked at the Nursing Home she only had three residents that had sepsis.
” None of them survived,” she said.
We talk about how he has his age on his side but each time we think something is going right, it has turned out horribly wrong. Should we be preparing ourselves for the worst? 

I go upstairs.

“Trent, we need to talk.” I say.
“Okay.” he responds. There is an awkward moment as if we ate both thinking the same thing but neither wants to say what that is.

“Trent. I think you need to get off from work tomorrow.  I am having a hard time processing my thoughts right now about this whole situation, so, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling with him being your twin brother. I don’t think working with the public is a good idea right now. I think you need to take tomorrow off and go be with him and…I think you need to really try and process what happening. Distractions at work are good, but after a while its going to hit you what’s happening, and you aren’t going to want to be there at that store.”

“What will we do about the bills? If I’m not working we can’t pay the bills.”
“Let me handle it Trent. I’ll pick up extra hours if I have to.”

Trent nods his head and says, “Travis opened his mouth when I was up there tonight like he was trying to say something …like he wad trying to say help me.”

“I know honey, he did that to me before you got in the room, I just thought it was my mind playing tricks on me!” I cried.

We both started to cry and hold each other and the release of the tears and of the uncertainty were the only thing that felt right in that moment.

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My Husbands Identical Twin Brother

The relationship I have with my brother in-law Travis has always been a complicated one. See, I married his identical twin brother, Trenton.

When Trent and first started dating Travis and I had a pretty good time. I remember Trent took me on a date to a Japanese restaurant and I soon discovered that it was also a date with his twin brother. Later I would come to find out that this was the first test of many. Trenton was seeking Travis’ approval.

I loved Travis. I thought he was funny and eccentric and someone that I would LOVE to party with.

After Trent and I were married, things got a little weird…

When I started dating Trent I knew I was going to have to always share my life with another human being. But – I didn’t know that it was going to have to be TWO human beings. It was almost as if I had to always seek his approval for if I was being a good wife to his brother. MY HUSBAND.

So, I had to compromise my entire life, but he wasn’t willing to compromise that Trent was my husband, and the first year of marriage is always hard, but it’s even worse when it seems like a million people are in your lives.

And somedays I had off I didn’t want to have to share my husband, my first year of marriage.

So, the years went on, and the resentment grew deeper and deeper because I also felt like sometimes Travis thought he was was better than us. We kind of stopped talking COMPLETELY  for a year.  Trent also was suffering from depression at the time.

Trent was hospitalized and that was brought Travis back into my life. I realized I needed Travis. Travis could help me figure out and process the thoughts I was having over my husbands depression. 

Back in July of this year Travis was hospitalized with a sepsis that had developed in his body. Part of the process was having to go into surgery and put on a colostomy bag that would carry his poop in a bag on his body.

The weeks following the surgery was torture.  I saw Travis have issues with embarrassment, self esteem. He really just wanted to have the thing taken off!

About a month ago I did start distancing myself because he would say really hurtful things that was making me feel bad about other people in my husbands family.

I don’t have a family of my own. The Hagans are my family. My Dads dead, so I think of Trent’s dad as my dad. I never had any sisters, so I think of Dana as MY sister. I’ve really grown up a lot the last few years, but because of things that happened in our very FIRST year of marriage I am still on shaky grounds with a lot of people in Trent’s immediate family. I feel like where Dana LOVES me, others just tolerate me. And, to be quite honest, when everyone notices these changes and you still are on shaky ground with people it does make me think, “Well, maybe its not me?”

This is such a complicated situation that I have digressed, and I apologize.

Travis went in for his reversal on Monday. Wednesday they started feeding him clear liquids, Thursday- his incision came loose from when they reattached it. They had to send him into emergency surgery.

I haden’t been up to visit Travis at all that week. I was worried Wednesday because Trent had told me that he was slightly pneumatic. 

The emergency surgery didn’t go as planned. They have induced coma on Travis for seven days so they can clear up an infection. They also placed him on a ventilator.

My husband is a complete wreck. He is beside himself with grief. He doesn’t know what he would do without his brother.

Trent was back there and the surgeon that worked on Travis came in. He was holding Travis’ hand and he said, “I don’t know how much of this is your fault, or how much is just bad circumstances,  but he BETTER WAKE UP!”

I was sitting in the waiting room hearing everyone tell stories about when they went back there, (Dana said he smiled when someone pointed out that she was coming because you could hear her heels clompping down on the ground,).
They asked me if I wanted to come back and I made up an excuse about having a cold and not wanting to make him worse.

The truth is, I was scared. I didn’t think my mental state could handle seeing someone I love and someone that means SO much to my husband…I just couldn’t do it.

I snuck in there today. He looked really good. His color was really great. I held his hand. “Hi. Its me Mae.” He grabbed my hand. “I’m here Travis, and you have a whole lot of people thinking about you right now. There’s a ton of people that are lighting you white candles on Facebook and …” He grabbed my hand.  I started to tear up, “I need you to be okay because my husband doesn’t work without you. And I love you too. You are my brother. ” He grabbed my hand. “No more pettiness.  Just parties when you wake up. Okay?” He grabbed my hand.

I love Travis and I just want him to wake up and I want everything to be better. If you’re reading this, will you send prayers and thoughts his way?

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Maegan Hagan’s New Rules For Surviving HER Life

1. Stop being so hard on yourself – you’re trying.

2. Stop helping everyone else out when you yourself are just breaking even. It is dumb to make yourself struggle at a minimum wage job when you can get a better job.

3. It is okay to not associate yourself with everyone your husband loves, especially those that look exactly like your husband. The time has come to let go of those that are making you feel bad about yourself.

4. Learn from your Father’s mistakes.  He himself lived a life with a person he loved where her family hated him and made lies about him. It wasn’t fair to him and its not fair to you.

5. Move the fuck on with your husband and finally start YOUR lives.

What the fuck are you afraid of???

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Hagan Halloween Town Part 1.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be walking you through some easy and cheap things you can do to spruce up your House for Halloween.  The first thing we are working on is a graveyard for our front yard. We got the wood from my brother in law Travis, who works at Lowes and had just happened to come across some free planks of plywood.

Side note, Travis is about to go for his reversal surgery for his colostomy bag, and we could not be happier for Travis and Valery. It has been so hard on both of them and I prey every night for them that things start to turn around. The reversal is definitely a step in the right direction.

So, Trent, his identical twin Travis, and their father Mike used a regular old jigsaw and used a 4’x8 inch sheet of plywood and they got 10 tombstones out of it. I don’t know the first thing about tools of that nature, so if you have to just find someone more educated with tools to do so that has a jigsaw lying around.

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Okay, so we got ten tombstones from it.

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Next, we took the tombstones to our house and got the kids involved. I used a can of white paint and dumped it into a bucket. I then poured just enough black in there to where I could get a grey mix. Remember not to use too much black because then the writing will be hard to show up later when you go to write.

So I mixed the paint and had everyone pick up a paint brush. I had everyone make long stroke going up and down and it really did come out perfect.

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Okay so it was about 6:00 pm by the time we got them painted. We let them dry and while they were drying we had everyone sit in a circle and brainstorm what we wanted on the tombstones.  The names,  the epitaph’s etc. One of the tombstone’s does have our wedding anniversary and names on it because it is part of my anniversary gift. I know it doesn’t go with the theme but its my graveyard and I’ll put what I want    😛

So, we were going to paint each of the names on there but I got to thinking, and not only would that have taken FOREVER, but there’s a HUGE chance that we would’ve had to keep scraping the tombstones and repainting them. So, why not a black Sharpie?  It actually worked was better! And I saved my black paint for my next project!

So, we go to set down and Trent can’t do the writing because he is left handed and he was afraid he would mess it up. And I can’t do it because my hand shakes so bad I would’ve messed it up. So, Dana and Jenn came to the rescue! 

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A few of our tombstones were personal. The first one I’m going to show you is about our friend Mandy Schroeder.  Well, Mandy has a real quick whit to her and she always knows what to say to put you in your place if you’re being a bottom feeder. Well, Trent thinks of her as a big sister, and he always likes to mess with her and call her the Devil. So, of course Trent had a field day with this one. 

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It says, “Here Lies Mandy Schroader. Went to hell so Satan could take a vacation.”

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“Michael Jackson Hasn’t been this stiff since Macaulay Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch.”

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“Coming soon…Lindsay Lohan. ”

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“Here lies an atheist.  All dressed up and no where to go.” (I found this on the internet and thought it was cute,).

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“Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston – Heavens gonna need more crack.”

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“Charlie Sheen Overdosed on Tiger’s Blood. Winning.”

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LOL sorry I just realized you can’t really tell what this picture says. I wanted to be a little political on one of them. “Here Lies Mitt Romney’s Campaign. ”

I hope you aren’t offended by any of my dead celebrities.  The truth is I was really heart broken when Amy Winehouse died and that really is my way of paying homage to her, and Whitney, and, Michael.

That’s all we have done for now but the next step is to buy some wooden stakes from Lowes for about twenty bucks to place them in the ground.  I also plan on borrowing a fog machine from my brother and putting spot lights on the graves at night. I have much more to show you so keep tuning in!

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Tonight I Met A Frog

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He said his name was Gary. My
niece Aisha brought him inside after the storm. She had so much pride in her eyes when she showed him to me.

He asked me how I was doing. I said, “I’ve seen better days Gary.” We talked about my day and the frog asked why I’m putting off going to the doctor.

To which I respond, “I’m scared Gary. I’ll have to admit there is something wrong with me. I always thought I would someday be normal, but if I’m sick then I will almost certainly never be normal.”

Gary sat quietly and then said, “You’re not supposed to be normal.”

I smiled and told Aisha to take Gary back to the tree in which she found him.

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