So, my husband was really depressed over his brother being in a coma. Like, to the point where he wasn’t getting out of bed except to go to work.
Also, he was about to turn 30 and this was the first birthday he was going to have to spend without Travis.
Travis woke up, but Trent was still depressed and I couldn’t figure out why?
And then one night he woke me up, and he was REALLY drunk. And he starts talking about how so and so has a baby, can you believe it? They can barely take care of themselves? And, I thought I would be a Father by now? Or, I just can’t imagine not ever being a Father. Having someone that looks just like me.
And I started to cry. Because, while he had been keeping these things to himself, I had already been thinking them to myself.
The truth is …
I want a baby so bad it hurts. I’ve lied to all of you for so long. I pretend like, “Oh! Babies? Me? Not even! Babies smell!”
The truth is, its my coping mechanism. Three years ago when I miscarried the twins, I thought I was going to lose myself. I stopped talking, I stopped leaving the house, I became obsessed with Guinea Pigs, and I stopper getting on Facebook completely! I also haven’t gotten pregnant since then. And that wasn’t my first miscarriage. So, why haven’t we been getting pregnant at all?
“You fucking think I don’t know that? You think I don’t want to be a mother? You don’t think it KILLS ME to see these stupid bitches get pregnant only for the photo op, and I have to sit here month month trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with ME? My mom had four kids by the time she was 20! WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY AREN’T WE GETTING PREGNANT ANYMORE?”
And I fell on the floor holding my stomach, I cried, I pretended there was a baby in there just like when I was eight years old and I pretended I was going to be a mommy.
Trent came up from behind me and he held me. He cried too. “I love you. I didn’t mean to bring it up.”
“No say it. Get it off your chest. Just know I’m thinking everything you are.”
Out of everyone we know it makes the most since that we have a baby, yet, we still don’t.
The next day Trent and I sat next to each other quietly. So awkward neither of us could move. I made the first attempt.
“I…I have a plan.”
“What is that?”
“In three months when I get my insurance, I’m going to go see a specialist. We are going to see if I have scar tissue in there from the other miscarriages, and I am going to buckle down with my weight. I have already lost thirty pounds, and I plan on losing even more. I am going to ask the doctor to put me on clomid and we are REALLY going to start trying. Its now or never.”
Trent shook his head in agreement.
“Its now or never.”
In the meantime, I figured I would start getting some practice and help Trent with his depression. Not what you think, though.
I surprised Trent at work with him and he started to laugh and tear up. “He’s adorable, Maeviss!”
He LOVES Trent. Trent and I have him on a set schedule where we take him to the park, and we have a blast with him..
The truth is he really has taken to me. He follows me EVERYWHERE! I can’t even go to the bathroom without him watching me the whole time. And he wont let me leave for work in the morning! He sets in my lap the entire time while Trent drives me, and when I get out of the car he LOSES HIS MIND! Trent has to give him a treat because EVERYONE in the parking lot looks. And then Trent laughs and says, “He doesn’t do that to me when I go to work!”
I even set him up his own Facebook. He has a HUGE gay following! He’s really nasty when he gets on there. Pretty political too ;-). He talks about skat and golden showers! He has a real potty mouth!
And I totally spoil him! I bought him a NIIICE house and I just LOVE him. So much that I cry as I think about how lucky we were for even finding him.
We go to get him neutered this week. I feel like its the proactive thing to do. I don’t intend on breeding him, and from my understanding pugs can actually get very sick and have breathing attacks if they get too excited.
Oh, wait, him passed out again!
The Humane Society is taking pictures on the 19th with Santa, Trent and I, and the dog. Pics to follow soon!