Category Archives: sex

A Conversation Between Trent and I at Two in The Morning

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Me to Trent at two in the morning:Hey! Wake up!

Trent:…..What? **grumbles**

Me: Do you love our lives together?

Trent: Yes,(half asleep,).

Me: Fine. Whatever. Nevermind. **sighs**

Trent: **sits up in bed and turns the lights on** Yes I LOVE our lives together! I love our home! I love Henry! I love Stella! I love YOU! We may not have much, but it’s ours…

Me: …Is this what you imagined your life like when you were a little boy?

Trent: No! Little boys don’t think that far in the future! I wanted to drive the street sweeper! BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME! ….What did you want to be when you grew up?

Me: The princess and the pea.

Trent: GO FIGURE!
…You’re my princess. You’re kingdom might not be vast as you expected, but you still are the princess of the court…Now go to sleep.

Me: I can’t… I think there is a pea under this mattress.

Trent: GAH!

#TrentandMae #Ourlifetogether #MaeganHagan #TrentonHagan #life#marriage

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The Adventures of The Traveling Vibrator


Let me say, I know that I am not the only person to have an embarrassing Sex Toy story.

Steve Irwin was what my friend Janet had named her vibrator. She would have these long drawn out fantasies about how she would go on these adventures with The Crocodile Hunter. She would help him catch a crocodile,  and then he would pin her up against a wall, and then just plow the fuck out of her! Later, my friend would say that she went into a severe depression for days after he had been killed. She would go on to retire Steve Irwin, saying, “It just isn’t the same.”

Before,he so tragically was killed, Janet said that Steve Irwin had been missing for days. She couldn’t figure out where in the world it had gone to. For days she rifled through all of her belongings trying to figure out where she had placed her Steve Irwin!

One day, while bringing the groceries in, she saw her two boys standing in the middle of a group of children. Janet,  both curious and worried,  went up to the group of children standing around her two boys. Janet, looked in horror as she realized what her own children were doing to her! Apparently they had sat up their own side show attraction/ modern day lemonade stand/ peep show, where neighborhood kids would charge to see, (You guessed it,) Steve Irwin!

Crikey!

My last move before moving in with my husband I was limited on time to pack and was also short of hands. A friend of mine had said she would ask some friends of hers from church if they would help me move.  My friend Wayne had just moved out of my apartment. While he was there Wayne  had been using my dresser to place all of his personal items

Wayne, had prided himself on his collection of sex toys. He had all different types of sizes,  and shapes, and colors!
Oh my! 

Because we were short on time and hands I just thought we could move the dresser, and I would sort everything out later.

So, these two teenage boys are loading up my dresser on to the truck,  and what should happen next?  One of the boys lost footing and the dresser door came open to reveal, not only Wayne’s extensive collection of gay pornography, but SEVERAL dildo’s!

The kid looked at the contents of the drawer, looked at me, looked back at the drawer,  and closed it, Not saying a single word. To this day I look back in horror wondering if I have scarred this innocent church going boy for life.

Thanks, Wayne.

Another friend of mine Lana was living with her father after she had recently moved back from Indianapolis. Her kids had been going through her purse trying to dig out change, but it so happened that her purse was where she kept her vibrator!
Lana was a single mom, and she was putting it in her purse because she wanted to avoid anyone finding it in her drawer.

Her son, who was five years old, grabbed it and took it out of her purse.
Her father was in the living room watching TV.
The son went in the living room and sat it in her father’s lap!
The father, realizing what it was, and too embarrassed to say anything, very politely wrapped it up with its cord very neatly and handed it back to Lana. Lana would use this as motivational tool to find a new place as fast as possible.

Or, there was the time I went to visit my sister in-law Stacey. She had a huge black eye!
“What happened?” I screeched.
“Your brother hit me in the eye with my vibrator,” she said in a long, drawn out southern accent.
It turned out that they had gotten a little too into it sex one night. 
For two weeks Stacey went around saying,  “My husband hit me in the eye with my vibrator!”

Which brings me to my story. My story, so awful, that I often am laying in bed at night,  and will wince at the mere thought if it.

I had just brought my puppy Henry home a few days ago. My husband was very sick, and I asked a local Catholic church if they could possibly come to my house to interview me to see if I qualified for assistance. If you qualify they will help you make your electric payment if you are about to be disconnected. We were about to be disconnected.

I never really know what to say to really religious people. I feel like I’m having to hold back the entire time, and I think that most of the time they don’t know how to handle me either.

The man that worked for the church was very kind to me, and he talked to me about my experiences with Christianity and what it meant to live a Christian life. He started to ask a little more about me. Well, I didn’t really know what to say.
I thought,  “Oh hey! I can show him the dog! You can’t go wrong with a dog!

“Henry! Come here, Henry! ” I looked at the man and very proudly and awkwardly proclaimed , “I have a dog!”

Henry staggered into the room and he had something purple in his mouth and I couldn’t quite make out what it was….and then I figured out what it was. It was Barney – my vibrator!

I stared in horror as Henry dropped the vibrator in the middle of the floor. It turned on and started flopping around like a freshly caught fish.
But, no! It didn’t stop there! Henry, still a baby, didn’t understand why it was flopping around. He started barking uncontrollably. I can’t tell you how quickly I leaped,  scooped Barney up, and made a hail Mary pass to the bedroom!

It turned out Henry had very curiously made his way to my night stand and had dug out my vibrator. When I replay it in my mind now I think, that would make a great pop up book for adults!
It could be about Henry running around town getting into adventures and making friends with my vibrator….(palm face,).
I looked at the man, praying to God that he didn’t see the same thing I just witnessed. If he did he didn’t utter a single word about it.

He very politely excused himself saying, “I hate to leave, but I have a few other places I have to be today.”
It may have just been in my head, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye either.

“Wait!” I called after, “Can you still pay my bill?”

I want to know what your embarrassing Sex Toy stories are. The more embarrassing the better!

I think I may make this into an adult pop up book series, what do’ya think?

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The Question

What can you take away from someone who has nothing? Some of my really scary thoughts have been coming back.

My husband of five years Trent was at work and he started screaming of a pain in his lower back. They rushed him to the hospital and they told him he had diabetes type 2 and emphysema. Someday I’ll give you the full story and everything in between that led up to him being in the hospital,  but for now our story continues after.

We had been living in an apartment that has black mold. For quite some time. And so when we found out Trent had emphysema I knew we couldn’t go back there. My father in-law invited us to come stay with him until we could save up for a new apartment. 

My life feels out of order. I’m staying strong for Trent and trying to make better choices, like not giving in to cravings for Taco Bell at 1 am, but damn it, I want a fucking cheeseburger.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed. Most days I can’t figure out why I’m  so angry,Most days I can’t figure out why nothing makes sense. Most days I hear people talking and I start to tune them out. My mind goes to that place that I know it’s only been three other times in my life. I start thinking that the scariest thing of all.

I hate that nothing ties me to here. You have no idea how easy it is for me to walk away from everything. I’m trying to get better as I get older,  but that scary thought of being able to walk away from everything is still there.

So, it’s 11:42 AM. I have taken the dog out to the car with me, I am listening to Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd and I’m sitting here writing.

I’m sitting here thinking about how The Universe has a way of balancing out everything.  How there’s a whole story that has yet to be told. I am thinking about how there are positives to this situation.  And then I start to break down in tears because I’m tired.

Dear Universe: I know you have a way of balancing everything out, but if you could make it slightly easier for me I would really appreciate it.

The question was: What do you take away from someone who has nothing? The answer: Nothing. I’m still me. I’m still Maegan Hagan. At the end of the day you can take away my home and my money,  but you can’t take away my stories or any of the experiences I’ve had with people.  I am me. I am beautiful.  I am strong. I am here.

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Catfish: The TV Show and My Real Life Catfish Experience

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My new favorite guilty pleasure is a show on MTV right now called, Catfish: The TV Show. Let me begin by saying, it’s so embarrassingly amazing! Anyone that has ever talked to someone online knows the horrors of talking to someone who is not who they say they are! There are spoilers ahead so don’t get mad at me if you read something you don’t want to! The MOVIE Catfish was a Sundance hit that documents a photographer Nev Schulman and it follows him to Michigan to meet a woman whom he had fallen in love with that he had met on Facebook. Nev meets Megan. She is a beautiful song writer, performer, etc. They have these amazing conversations, (including a very awkward sexting conversation that Nev describes rather hilariously later in the movie!) Along the way Nev talks to Megan’s Mom and younger sister, who they claim is a famous painter in Michigan. They get to Michigan to find a woman that is not Megan, but Megan’s mother. They go into the house to discover that Angela, (Megan’s mother,) was a very sad woman that was a care taker to two mentally challenged step sons, she painted on the side, and surprise surprise there was a Megan but it was not the Megan Nev had fallen in love with. It was Angela. I really didn’t give it justice, so you MUST check out the documentary Catfish, if you haven’t yet. In spite of all the lies, you really fall in love with the characters! Okay, so on to the TV show. Nev decides to take the same crew from the film, his brother and best friend, and make a TV show following people that have been in long-distance internet relationships, and help the people meet face to face. Every episode has been good! The crazy thing is, the whole time you’re hoping for there to be a happy ending! You want so bad for them to end up with each other! How hard were you laughing from the first episode? You have this really girly-girl type that looks like her name, Sunny. Sunny is in love with Jamison, a model/ tv writer who is studying to be an anesthiologist. Sunny and Nev go to knock on the door and who opens it? Not Jameson! It was an overweight, curly haired woman in her twenties! And Nev ask her, “Do you feel bad for what you’ve done?” When she shakes her head no, I thought Sunny was going to kill her! Okay, so here is another thing I love about this show- Nev goes back after he calms Sunny down, and he talks to the girl by herself just for an explanation. I mean, didn’t she feel bad at ALL, for stringing this sweet girl around and making her think she had met the love of her life? And meanwhile, is that not the cruelest joke? These people think they are going to meet the love of their lives. And it never is! What I really love is that Nev never attacks the girl. He wants to know her story too. What happened to you to make you create this alter ego? It turns out that this girl had been bullied and this on line alter ego that she had created had made her feel in control of her own life. Did I think it was total bullshit? Fuck Yes! Did I want to stop watching? Fuck, no! The next few episodes are amazing, too! I’m not going to talk about them in case you haven’t seen it. What are your real life Catfish stories? Mine begins when I am 15. The boy was 19 and his name was Jeremy. Jeremy was a track star and he was a freshman at U of E. We started talking on AIM. I knew who he was because he had gone a date with this older girl that I was friends with. I hung out with a lot of older people when I was a teenager. I knew this girl had no intentions of wanting to be with him and I thought he was SO cute! So I asked her for his AIM name. She gave it to me, and that night I put in his name and start to talk to him. He asks how old I am. I can’t tell him I’m only 15! He won’t wanna talk to me! I tell him I’m 21. And my name is Jessica since we had already met in real life, and in real life I’m Maegan. We talk for hours on end. He was the sweetest guy I had talked to up to that short 15 years on this planet. We talked for four months until Jeremy starts asking for a picture. I can’t show him a picture! He’ll know who I am then, and he’ll definitely know I’m not 21! And the sad thing is, I had developed real feelings for him. We talked practically EVERY night! And he had developed real feelings for me too. “Why won’t you send me a picture?” “When are we going to meet?” “I really want to meet!” I stopped getting online because I could never give him an answer, and I was tired of coming up with really dumb and lame excuses. Like, “I can’t send you a picture because I don’t know how to upload it.” At one point he tried explaining it step by step! The crazy thing is, we actually at that point had talked in person SEVERAL times. We got along in person VERY well. But I was 15. And he was about to turn 20! I remembered seeing him one day. He was sad. “What’s wrong, Jeremy? ” He shrugged, “Nothing. I’m just talking to this girl. I’m into her, but I don’t think she likes me.” I smile, because he said he liked me. But it’s not me. It’s her. This girl that won’t get him into trouble if they were to ever meet. Because I could’ve got him into A LOT of trouble! I started to tear up and I hugged Jeremy and ran home. I ran up stairs to my room. I turned on my computer. These were the days of dial up when it took forever for the internet to start! I got on AIM. “Hey.” I say to him. “Hey,” He replies. I start to type and I can’t believe the things that I’m putting on the screen. “I can’t talk to you anymore. I don’t love you. I met someone and I’m getting married.” I hit enter, turned the computer off, and fell to my bed in tears. At that moment I wanted so bad to be older! I wanted to run to Jeremy like Meg Ryan in you’ve Got Mail and say, “It was me.” But I couldn’t. After a few months I didn’t talk to Jeremy anymore. Not even in person. A few years had passed and I turned 22. I got on Aim one day and Jeremy was on. I hadn’t thought about him in years. I started to talk to him. Jeremy had done good for himself. He graduated from U of E in Accounting, he worked for a small firm, and he had met the love of his life, Cindy. They were expecting a baby in two months. So, that’s my real life Catfish story. I actually ran into Jeremy a few years later. He was doing really good and he was really happy to hear what had happened in my life. I never told him who I was, but sometimes the mystery is better than the reality. What are your real life Catfish stories?

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22 Things You Should Know About Me, Maegan Hagan.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Maegan Hagan, Mae to most people. I would like to take a few moments to tell you what this blog is about.

1. I am scared of the color red

2. I watch E! News ALL the time!

3. I have a half pug/half shitzoo named Henry Chewy Barka Hagan, and a half pug/half Chihuahua named Stella.

4.My mom died when I was 14. She was a manic depressed and had a lot of health issues.

5. I am a 3rd generation tarot reader. I specialize in dates times, and pregnancies. I can smell it on a person. Also, I can tell if a person has just had sex. Lol, and other stuff. Like if someone is lying to me. Some people call me a psychic.

6. I hate the term psychic.

7.In my head, I am a reall down to Earth girl. But anyone I have ever dated says I’m super high maintenance.

8. My Dad was my best friend in the entire world.

9. When I’m alone I do REALLY weird things! For example, I LOVE standing in front of a mirror and pretending I’m being interviewed by E! News! I also dance and sing at the top of my lungs!

10. I LOVE Lady Gaga!

11.I Love my family and my best friend Kristal Kimbley

12. My favorite movies are Rent, Funny Girl, and The Way We Were

13.I am a writer. I am in the middle of trying to be published, and it has gotten kind of ugly.

14. I’m VERY close to my sister in law Dana. She is probably one of the closest people in my life. As weird as it sounds, she is the closest thing I have ever had to a mother.

15. I was brutally attacked when I was 15 walking home from school. I had to have my jaw reconstructed and wired shut.

16. One of my favorite writers is Chompsky

17. I collect interesting and new people. If I can’t find anything interesting about you- I won’t talk to you!

18. My favorite television show was How I Met Your Mother.

19. I have been married to my best friend, Trenton Hagan for seven years now. When I met Trent it was like gravity pulled me toward him. It was like I had already known him. To this day he said he remembers thinking the same thing about me.

20. I REALLY like Tequilla!

21. I truly ENJOY helping people out!

22. I once met Bill Clinton, and he thanked me for the work I did with The Kentucky Democratic Party.

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