Category Archives: Anxiety

Her Name Was Dria

drian

She was robbed of all softness to her, there was nothing about her that screamed she was a woman. In my 21 year old mind I am equating woman with makeup and voluptuousness. I want to meet people from all different walks of life! I have to know everyone’s story! I was working as a Field Organizer for The Kentucky Democratic Party, and it was election night. I had just gotten off the phone with my boss. I found out that I had just been a part of my fifth loss as a democrat in the state of Kentucky. I was in a bar, some hole in the wall in Louisville, Kentucky.

I turned my phone off completely and went up to the bartender, “I need a whisky, three fingers.”

Bartender nods, and I smell a musky odor waft my way. “Been a rough night, eh?”

I look over at the person sitting next to me. She has sandy brown hair, and she was full of way more life than I had at the current moment.

“My name is Dria!” She exclaims. She is roughly 24 years old. She is skinny, and she doesn’t look healthy. She has beautiful, and long curly hair.

As bad of a mood I was in at that moment, her personality was infectious! I threw back the shot of whisky. “It’s nice to meet you! My name is Mae Knight!”

She asks what I am doing in Louisville, Kentucky.

“I was supposed to be celebrating something tonight-no big deal.”

“We can still celebrate!” She screams over the music someone at the jukebox is playing.

She asks where I’m from.

“I currently live in Owensboro, Kentucky. Where are you from?”

Dria laughs, “I’m from everywhere and nowhere! No one can tie me down! I am my own person and I love life and I love living! You do too! I can tell! Something is wrong though!”

I smile, “I try really hard, Dria.” I drop my head down and stare at my whisky. I feel myself start to tear up. I need to be away from this place. I need to be back at my hotel. “Do you live here in Louisville, Dria?”

Dria drops her head in shame, “…I’m homeless.”

I choke back a cry, “Do you need a place to sleep tonight, Dria? I have a motel…. My job paid for it.”

Dria lovingly wipes away my tears, “Let’s get out of here honey!”

We set down on the bed in the motel. Dria starts twirling her hair, and It has knots in it.

“Do you want to take a shower, Dria?”

Dria shakes her head eagerly with a smile.

“I usually LOVE showers! It’s my favorite part of the day! I love the way I feel after taking a shower.” She starts to strip naked in front of me. I am embarrassed. I have never seen a nude female body before. She notices I’m embarrassed.

“What’s wrong honey? Haven’t you ever seen boobs before?”

I start to laugh, “I’ve seen my own!”

I pull out my suitcase, “Do you like adderol, Dria?”

Dria looks at my bottle, “Oh honey! We are gonna have fun tonight!”

She takes three adderols and starts to crush up them up on the back of the toilet. I had only ever read about it, but the whisky is starting to hit me, and I just don’t care!

I take a line and snort it. It hits me all at once and everything feels okay and happy and like eating chocolate or the first kiss I have ever had with my high school crush, or the feeling I get when my favorite song comes on the radio! I was ALIVE! Dria is standing in front of me naked and she is undressed and snorting a line of adderol off the back of a toilet seat. I decide to undress too. No one besides my parents have ever seen me naked up until this point.

She stares at my over weight body. She is not disgusted. She is not embarrassed for me. There is only openness and warmth. Dria turns on the shower, “Why don’t you hop in here with me! It may make you feel better, honey!” I get in the shower. I feel a sense of both release and relief come over me as the water hits my face. The water feels good and Dria starts to wash my back with a rag. I break down in tears. Dria doesn’t stop. She keeps washing me. I keep crying and I hug Dria and she hugs me back.

I stop crying and this rush of magic euphoria washes over me. I smile at her and she smiles back. We change positions and she is standing in front of the shower now. I lather her hair for her, spending what seems like hours on each lock of hair.

I wash out the soap and I put conditioner on her head. I can tell it feels good to her.
“Thank you for this, Mae Knight.” I didn’t know why she was thanking me. After all, she was the one comforting me. We get out of the shower and I have her sit on the bed. Our naked bodies lay back to back and I brush out the tangles from her hair using my favorite green brush! I always hated those stupid motel combs!

I lay down and she lays down next to me, and she cradles me. “Why are you homeless, Dria?”

Dria sighs,”When I was seventeen my mom married an awful man…he did something bad to me…my momma told me to never come back. ME! So, I left, and I got caught up with all the wrong people, did a little heroine,  and now I go to the bar every night, hoping I’ll find someone to take me home…do you hate me for telling you that?”

I start to laugh, “No Dria, that makes me like you more.”

She lets out a large laugh, “Mae, what are you most afraid of?”

I turn away from her, “Two things. One, there is a train that runs right behind my house. It runs like clock work. Every three hours it drives past and it rattles everything in my house. I am afraid one day I am going to feel completely numb, like I do somedays….and then go stand on the train tracks.”

Dria shakes her head no, “You can’t do that! You are too spec-!”

I interrupt her, “Special. That’s the second thing- my whole life everyone has been telling me I’m special. I’m scared I’ll never figure out what they are talking about…I’m afraid that I am going to go away, and all of those people that have been telling me I am special my entire life…they are going to be completely disappointed in me. And that will be it. All my gifts and talents will have been wasted on the wrong person.”

We let the air dry our warm, naked bodies.I let out a long sob. Dria goes to hold me again. At four am we both crash.

I wake up and I feel completely refreshed and rejuvenated. It is a new day! Full of completely new possibilities!

I look at Dria. She looks so peaceful, and I don’t want to wake her. I have to get going and get on the road. I kiss her on her forehead, “Thank you!” I get dressed and I leave Dria with some money and a note.

Dria,

Thank you for saving my life last night! I will never forget it! If you find your way to Owensboro, Kentucky, here is my address: 1712 Thompson Drive Apt A

Love Always,

Mae Knight

I sneak out of the door and head to my car. I know I will probably never see Dria again. I leave knowing that this is one of the most intimate and human experiences I will ever have with another person in my life. I loved Dria without even knowing her, and I left with comfort knowing someone else in the world loved me too.

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A Conversation Between Trent and I at Two in The Morning

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Trenton sleeping with Henry and Stella

Me to Trent at two in the morning:Hey! Wake up!

Trent:…..What? **grumbles**

Me: Do you love our lives together?

Trent: Yes,(half asleep,).

Me: Fine. Whatever. Nevermind. **sighs**

Trent: **sits up in bed and turns the lights on** Yes I LOVE our lives together! I love our home! I love Henry! I love Stella! I love YOU! We may not have much, but it’s ours…

Me: …Is this what you imagined your life like when you were a little boy?

Trent: No! Little boys don’t think that far in the future! I wanted to drive the street sweeper! BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME! ….What did you want to be when you grew up?

Me: The princess and the pea.

Trent: GO FIGURE!
…You’re my princess. You’re kingdom might not be vast as you expected, but you still are the princess of the court…Now go to sleep.

Me: I can’t… I think there is a pea under this mattress.

Trent: GAH!

#TrentandMae #Ourlifetogether #MaeganHagan #TrentonHagan #life#marriage

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The Adventures of The Traveling Vibrator


Let me say, I know that I am not the only person to have an embarrassing Sex Toy story.

Steve Irwin was what my friend Janet had named her vibrator. She would have these long drawn out fantasies about how she would go on these adventures with The Crocodile Hunter. She would help him catch a crocodile,  and then he would pin her up against a wall, and then just plow the fuck out of her! Later, my friend would say that she went into a severe depression for days after he had been killed. She would go on to retire Steve Irwin, saying, “It just isn’t the same.”

Before,he so tragically was killed, Janet said that Steve Irwin had been missing for days. She couldn’t figure out where in the world it had gone to. For days she rifled through all of her belongings trying to figure out where she had placed her Steve Irwin!

One day, while bringing the groceries in, she saw her two boys standing in the middle of a group of children. Janet,  both curious and worried,  went up to the group of children standing around her two boys. Janet, looked in horror as she realized what her own children were doing to her! Apparently they had sat up their own side show attraction/ modern day lemonade stand/ peep show, where neighborhood kids would charge to see, (You guessed it,) Steve Irwin!

Crikey!

My last move before moving in with my husband I was limited on time to pack and was also short of hands. A friend of mine had said she would ask some friends of hers from church if they would help me move.  My friend Wayne had just moved out of my apartment. While he was there Wayne  had been using my dresser to place all of his personal items

Wayne, had prided himself on his collection of sex toys. He had all different types of sizes,  and shapes, and colors!
Oh my! 

Because we were short on time and hands I just thought we could move the dresser, and I would sort everything out later.

So, these two teenage boys are loading up my dresser on to the truck,  and what should happen next?  One of the boys lost footing and the dresser door came open to reveal, not only Wayne’s extensive collection of gay pornography, but SEVERAL dildo’s!

The kid looked at the contents of the drawer, looked at me, looked back at the drawer,  and closed it, Not saying a single word. To this day I look back in horror wondering if I have scarred this innocent church going boy for life.

Thanks, Wayne.

Another friend of mine Lana was living with her father after she had recently moved back from Indianapolis. Her kids had been going through her purse trying to dig out change, but it so happened that her purse was where she kept her vibrator!
Lana was a single mom, and she was putting it in her purse because she wanted to avoid anyone finding it in her drawer.

Her son, who was five years old, grabbed it and took it out of her purse.
Her father was in the living room watching TV.
The son went in the living room and sat it in her father’s lap!
The father, realizing what it was, and too embarrassed to say anything, very politely wrapped it up with its cord very neatly and handed it back to Lana. Lana would use this as motivational tool to find a new place as fast as possible.

Or, there was the time I went to visit my sister in-law Stacey. She had a huge black eye!
“What happened?” I screeched.
“Your brother hit me in the eye with my vibrator,” she said in a long, drawn out southern accent.
It turned out that they had gotten a little too into it sex one night. 
For two weeks Stacey went around saying,  “My husband hit me in the eye with my vibrator!”

Which brings me to my story. My story, so awful, that I often am laying in bed at night,  and will wince at the mere thought if it.

I had just brought my puppy Henry home a few days ago. My husband was very sick, and I asked a local Catholic church if they could possibly come to my house to interview me to see if I qualified for assistance. If you qualify they will help you make your electric payment if you are about to be disconnected. We were about to be disconnected.

I never really know what to say to really religious people. I feel like I’m having to hold back the entire time, and I think that most of the time they don’t know how to handle me either.

The man that worked for the church was very kind to me, and he talked to me about my experiences with Christianity and what it meant to live a Christian life. He started to ask a little more about me. Well, I didn’t really know what to say.
I thought,  “Oh hey! I can show him the dog! You can’t go wrong with a dog!

“Henry! Come here, Henry! ” I looked at the man and very proudly and awkwardly proclaimed , “I have a dog!”

Henry staggered into the room and he had something purple in his mouth and I couldn’t quite make out what it was….and then I figured out what it was. It was Barney – my vibrator!

I stared in horror as Henry dropped the vibrator in the middle of the floor. It turned on and started flopping around like a freshly caught fish.
But, no! It didn’t stop there! Henry, still a baby, didn’t understand why it was flopping around. He started barking uncontrollably. I can’t tell you how quickly I leaped,  scooped Barney up, and made a hail Mary pass to the bedroom!

It turned out Henry had very curiously made his way to my night stand and had dug out my vibrator. When I replay it in my mind now I think, that would make a great pop up book for adults!
It could be about Henry running around town getting into adventures and making friends with my vibrator….(palm face,).
I looked at the man, praying to God that he didn’t see the same thing I just witnessed. If he did he didn’t utter a single word about it.

He very politely excused himself saying, “I hate to leave, but I have a few other places I have to be today.”
It may have just been in my head, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye either.

“Wait!” I called after, “Can you still pay my bill?”

I want to know what your embarrassing Sex Toy stories are. The more embarrassing the better!

I think I may make this into an adult pop up book series, what do’ya think?

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I Stabbed My Brother

For as long as I’ve remembered, I’ve never fully gotten along with Brent. Brent is my brother and he is 12 years older than me. When I was 13, and my Mom got sick, Brent moved back home and took on the responsibility of taking care of her. 

Only he wasn’t really taking care of her. She was dying. She was so sick she couldn’t walk from the bed to the bathroom. No, Brent said he was moving back to help take care of Mom, but really it was for his own alterior motives. He was living there rent free, and then he would bring these dumb bitches back to the house right under mom’s nose and he’d fuck them in the house. 

When I was 13 Mom got really bad. One night she had taken a bath and was sitting on the side of the bed trying to get dressed. She went to sit on the bed and I was trying to help her. I put her shirt on her and then went to put her pants on. She laid there.  “Momma, I need you to stand up so we can put the rest of your pants on.” She stood up, and as soon as she did she lost her balance and fell. She started talking to me, “Don’t panic Maegan. I am okay. I don’t think you’re gonna be able to get me up, so I need you to call Brent.”

I ran and got the phone and dialed for Brent.  It rang a million times and he just wouldn’t answer his phone!  I left a thousand voicemails it seemed. “Brent,  momma fell on the ground and I don’t think I can get her up and she’s naked!” I screamed.

I went in the bedroom with Momma. “I can’t get a hold of him.” I got a blanket and I put it under her to try and shimmy her up. “Come on Momma, just shimmy your butt my way!”

Momma tried but she couldn’t.  I stood up and tried to lift her myself, but I was only pulling her arms and hurting her more. I started to cry, “I’m sorry Mamma!” I put the blanket down next to her and lay on the cold floor.
“Come here baby.”

She was so weak. I lay next to her and she comforted me. It was 8PM and I still couldn’t get a hold of Brent. At nine he answered the phone long enough to say, “Leave me alone, I’m at the movies!”

“I hate Brent, ” I said outloud.
“No you don’t,” she responded.
“No. Mama. I HATE Brent”
“No. You. Don’t. You’re jealous of his freedom. He can go off and leave the house and be away from here. He’s not stuck in this prison. One day it’s gonna be you.”

I lay with Mama on the floor until three in the morning. Brent came staggering in the house with some random.

“Why the fuck were you blowing my phone up all night you fat bitch? ” he said, slurring his words.
“Because Mom fell on the floor and has been on the floor since 7PM tonight.” I said slowly. Afraid of myself. Afraid of what I may do to him.
“Well why the fuck didn’t you pick her up you lazy fat bitch!?” He screamed.
“I think I’m gonna call it a night, ” Brent’s date said awkwardly.
“Yeah I think its best you do that.” I snapped back.

I followed Brent into the bedroom. He picked Mom up in less than a second. “It’s not her fault, Brent. She tried picking me up for almost an hour and then she laid on the floor with me until you got here.”

I had to be at school the next day. Most kids are in bed asleep at three in the morning. Not me.

Mom passed soon after that. Dad was sick too when she passed. Social Services came in the week she died and told Brent that if he didn’t take guardianship over me I was going to be handed over to the state.

Looking back now, I think Brent really thought he was doing the right thing. I think he didn’t want to see his little sister be placed in a Foster home.

So, we got back home, and we all tried getting into the swing of things. Getting used to life without Mom.

When you have a parent that is disabled and receiving money from the Federal Government, if you are under 18 years of age, you receive money, too. It’s to be used on rent or electricity. Before Mom passed, the money was used to take me to the doctor to get my anxiety meds.

After mom passed Brent didn’t take me to the doctor. He didn’t use my money for me at all. When I was 15 in the dead of Winter, Brent took off to Illinois and left Dad and I with no food, no heat, and none of my medicine.

I knew if Dad and I were going to make it through the Winter I was going to have to get a job. I went after school to a local grocery store- Wesselman’s. I got the job, and because I was 15 I had to make sure I got a permit signed saying I could work with my parents permission. I remember going home that night so excited. We didn’t need Brent! In fact, if I saw Brent, I was going to stab him.

I had been off my meds for going on a month the night it all happened. I came home all excited that I had gotten the job, and, I was really proud of myself. I hear screaming coming from the house before I go in. Its Dad and Brent.

“You were supposed to help me take care of her!” Dad screamed.

Brent stood there as I walked in. “I don’t need him. He ain’t running shit!” I screamed getting in his face. I’m manic and crazy and I can see the fear in Brent’s eyes.

“I got a job today. I just need Dad to sign this and then I start tomorrow!” I flashed the piece of paper.

Brent snatched it out of my hand and ripped it in half! I was furious and could no longer restrain myself. I went to the kitchen and grabbed the first sharp object I could find – a pair of scissors. I ran into the living room with all my might and stabbed Brent on his left arm.

I immediately regretted it. I’ll never be able to physically hurt anyone ever again. I still to this day can remember the scissors hitting his bone. He fell to the ground in long deep sobs. There was blood everywhere. Dad picked him up and took him to the hospital. They told the hospital it was an accident.

Later that night Dad made sure I went to the hospital too. The doctor got me back on all my meds and I started to feel right again.

Brent and I still don’t talk much to this day. In fact it was a miracle that we made it through me turning 18. I often think back on that night that Mamma and I were laying on that cold, dark floor, waiting to be saved. I was jealous of his freedom, and she was right, I finally got my freedom too. And I never looked back.

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My Secret Shame

I have a slight confession to make. I am dealing with a really bad case of mania. I blogged about my insomnia last night but its a little more serious than I let on. I choose not to take the meds that the doctors give me because they effect my moods and make me very suicidal.

It has been seven days, and I haven’t slept, and I haven’t eaten in three days. I took a melatonin about an hour ago and I am feeling a little better.

In the past I have actually really hurt my self while in a state of mania. Mania is almost like a natural high. only, it can become uncontrollable and fast. You feel like you are unstopable, like you are invincible.  I once broke my foot because I jumped out of moving vehicle. I remember people told me I was talking really fast and that I was getting louder and louder.

Doctors often confuse mania with someone that is on drugs. Because Meth is so bad in this area of the country,  doctors OFTEN  immediately come into the room and have a preconception of you and it can make it hard for you to be treated.

The main way my doctors used to treat my mania was with Benzo’s…if you know me then you know that I have suffered from anxiety my entire life. And I say suffer because,  anxiety is the ROOT of my problems, from that root grows problems with compulsion,  obsessive thoughts, RACING THOUGHTS, and so much more.

Inner peace is what I pray for every night, and the people that I know love me, they pray for it too because my anxiety has a way of affecting other people around me.

…..Most Doctors around here won’t prescribe benzo’s anymore because they were finding that people were becoming heavily addicted to them.

But, if you have a real anxiety problem,  and you live around here,  you know that the doctors around here were handing it out to people like candy. It didn’t matter if people didn’t need to be on them.

So, the doctor’s are handing them out left and right and then all of a sudden they are realizing that they have a huge problem on their hands.

So they take them away. They tell people that there are ssri’s and anti psychotics  that can help in the.treatment of anxiety. 

….but the problem is everyone’s brain chemistry is not the same. 

I truly don’t need SSRI’S …they make me manic. And I won’t take anti-psychotics. I have had really bad experiences with doctors trying to experiment with newer medicines on me. And unfortunately it is the newer meds that they start me on because once again, I hand been on all of the older meds because my doctors have been trying to get my anxiety right since I was six.   Anti psychotics  are meant to retard your senses.

There is s secret shame that you carry around with you,  knowing that your brain doesn’t work like everyone else.

The speeding thoughts sometimes turns in to thoughts of paranoia. 

It can make it really hard for you to want to trust anyone.

A few years ago, my anxiety became so bad I was afraid to leave the house. I became a shut in, and I am so sad to think it was the last year my Dad was alive. I hate that the last year of his life he was stuck up in my apartment with me.  Trent was pretty much my care taker instead of my husband. It all came to a head on Fourth of July weekend that year. Trent found me in the bathroom and I had swallowed a whole bottle of Tylenol PM’s. I just wanted to stop thinking, I wanted the peace to come, and I wanted freedom.

I was put in the hospital,  and I remember my dad coming to visit me. Dad had.a stroke back in 2006, and he was not in good health at all. Hr sat next to me. And then he started to cry. “You are not the girl I raised. I want to die knowing you are going to be okay. I don’t have much longer.” He grabbed my arm,  “I. Don’t. Have. Much. Longer.”
He continued, “I need to know that you are going to be financially okay. I need you to be the fourteen year old girl that went out into the world when her mom passed away, and not be afraid to find a job to help your family.”

He started to cry and looked as if he was trying to piece together a puzzle.

“I know you know you think too much. I know you feel what everyone around you is feeling. I do too.  I know because you are my daughter and I have loved you your entire life. I know sometimes, you carry other people’s struggles with you. ” He looked down in shame. ” I know you carry my struggles with you. You can’t. You have got to let me go…I shouldn’t have lived when I had my stroke two years ago. You have got to let me go. I need to die knowing you are my fearless daughter again. The girl that is like Teflon. ”

“Daddy, what if I can’t be that girl How do I get back to where I need to be when I am this far gone?”

I started to cry and he held me as tight as his left arm that had been affected by  the stroke would let him.

“It isn’t going to be easy….we’re going to start off small, and we’re going to grow from there. Every time your mind starts to race you write. Get it on paper. Get it out of your mind. That way your not being held hostage by these thoughts. They won’t be running around in your mind all day.”

I was released from the hospital after seven days. I found a job at KMart immediately after, my marriage slowly was becoming okay again,  I was becoming the old me again.  And because they chose not to prescribe benzo’s, I chose not to take meds at all. When I would have a trigger and I would start to talk in a loop, or think in a loop, I would pinch my kneck three times for good luck and write it in my journal to acknowledge that the thought was there, but I wasn’t going to let it hold me hostage.

Usually my obsessive thoughts don’t get really bad unless I don’t feel like I’m in control. Right now, although my life is better than it has been in a really long time, I still struggle when there is too much of an upset in my environment , when I make a slight mistake, when there is a lot of change. Obviously,  it’s change for the better, but my mind is having a hard time getting settled.

I just want to be completely honest with you. There is so much more to this story, and I promise to be completely honest, (it involves me stabbing someone,) but right now I am actually starting to get tired.

I will end on this note: although benzodiazapines are highly addictive,  the studies show across the board that they are EFFECTIVE and help people that suffer from long term generalized anxiety disorder, (when taken on an as needed basis). Everyone is not the same  and although I have always had problems with anxiety, when I was medicated PROPERLY, I did not have problems with mania, paranoia, and agoraphobia. These are newer problems that are a result from me NOT being on anxiety meds.   It is a shame that there is a medicine out there that can help make my condition easier, and doctors can write prescriptions to make my condition easier, and yet they choose not to…our mental health system is severely flawed.

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Tick TOCK

Well, its 3:31 AM, and Trent just went to sleep.  I am going on my sixth night of not really sleeping.  I am battling major insomnia. Don’t get me wrong, I come up with the best ideas when I don’t sleep,  and I have been getting some HELLA amount of writing in the last few nights,  but DAMN, I feel like I might be about to lose it! I have had a lot on my mind lately, a lot of obsessive thoughts, and I am having a really hard time shutting my brain off. I seriously am about to go the doctor and tell hiM DRUG ME!  I probably would have already if I didn’t do such weird shit the last time I was on a sleep aide.

About a year ago I had been on Ambian for only a month, and I got a bill from my PayPal account saying I had purchased a bunch of picture frames. Like, not three or four-but fifteen.
I call PayPal and I am just raising all kinds of crap. I’m screaming and the it’s making me even more angry that the lady I am talking to is so adamant that i have actually purchased these fifteen picture frames. At one point I thought I was going to get a terroristic threat charge against me. Trent comes in the room and says, “Mae, what’s wrong?”
I’m still screaming trying to explain what’s going on. “PayPal charged us for fifteen picture frames! This bitch on the phone isn’t listening to me!”

“….Mae. Hang up the phone.”

“Why? We’re not getting charged for something we didn’t buy!” I screamed.

Trent took the phone from me and hung it up. I started to scream and he put his hand over my mouth.

“Mae, you woke up in the middle of the night about a week ago and you started going through all of our pictures. You started talking about wanting to make a timeline on the wall of our lives together and you wanted to get matching picture frames to do it. You got online, and I was trying to talk you out of it, but your mind was set on those picture frames. You ordered them, and then passed out on the floor in a huge pile of photos.  I then got you BACK in bed, and it took me a good hour to get the photos put away.” He finished.

I stood there in shock.
“Wait, why the hell haven’t you said anything to me? That was a week and a half ago.”

“I don’t want you yelling at me! Listen to how you just talked to that poor PayPal lady! I just let you do what you want, you’ll eventually tire yourself out.” 

….That is only ONE of my Ambian stories and I probably was on it for only a month.  Apparently I was also really bad about getting up and baking cakes….and eating like half the cake. Which, if you knew how much I love cake, it wouldn’t surprise you that much. What was surprising is, I didn’t  remember ANY of it! Like, I would have full conversations with people where I told my deepest darkest secrets, and not remember ANY of it!

On second thought,  forget the drugs, I think I’m gonna go buy a sleep mask.

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I Fell BACK In Love With My Husband

I had my surgery. It was a success! He went in there and it turns out I didn’t have endometriosis! I did have pcod and my one ovary was covered in cysts! They drilled for hours! They also did a DNC. The end result is I’m back to where I need to be. It’s been a month almost and still no period? Maybe it takes a while to restart?

I lost my second job. I was working for picture me perfect studios. They went out of business…..at least I wasn’t fired.

….I think I’m going to have to find a new job. When I came back from the surgery everyone was acting weird. They started writing me up for everything. They wrote me up for the second time for signing the date wrong. That means if I write the date wrong one more time I’m fired.

It’s really hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. I kind of know what I like to do and what I’m good at.

I’m good at:
1. Writing
2. Talking
3. Empathy
4. Politics
5. Philosophy
6. Making Lists
7. Partying
8. Facebooking

What can I do with my list?

…Also, I woke up and my legs wouldn’t move. It hasn’t happened since last summer when I got sick.    😦

Trent and I are getting along better than ever. That’s pretty much the best part of everything in my life right now. 

I called and made an appointment for him to see a lawyer for having his record clean from when he got drunk and high and led a liberation for all the local lawn gnomes.

The lawyer agreed and was really cool and said he would do it for 250 per charge. It’s probably going to come to a thousand dollars. We don’t have it right now, but we can at least do one at a time. And then its done and he can get a great job, and I won’t have to keep working these aweful jobs, and I can sit back and be a lazy housewife  😉

I actually enjoy his company lately. He made me an Easter Basket the other day and put it on the bed! It was really sweet!

And we have been fucking each other like rabbits!  You would think we were newlyweds!  His stamina is OFF THE CHARTS! It turns out-of-out a little (or a lot!) Of physical release does a body good! Damn it, it does my body good! I was needing some dick!

I also WANT to have sex with him now. He helps me out around the house now. The other day he mowed the lawn AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO NAG HIM ABOUT IT UNTIL I’M READY TO SLIT MY WRISTS!

I love that I have the man I fell in love with back again! The light of his love lightened my cold charcoal heart. I can’t believe I managed to fall MORE in love with my husband!

Thank you God!

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Please Work With Me, Husband!

What does everyone want from me?!? I’m just one person! I can’t be the only person in this trying to work to better our situation. ESPECIALLY,  because the stuff that is on his record happened before we even got together!  I am only one person! And I am sick! How many times do I have to say get a better job, before I’m so broke down that it doesn’t even matter anymore. I am told that I should be glad he even has a job. Why does he like staying at a job that pays 7.25 an hour? because it’s easy. ….Well I’m glad your one job is so easy on you but because I have to have a second job to afford medical benefits from my first job just to cover him so he can stay at his easy 7.25 an hour job, thst doesn’t provide health care benefits! Oh, and did I tell you my first job just changed my hours to where I’m sure my second job isn’t even going to want me???? What does everyone want from me??? I’m just wanting to feel better!

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The Question

What can you take away from someone who has nothing? Some of my really scary thoughts have been coming back.

My husband of five years Trent was at work and he started screaming of a pain in his lower back. They rushed him to the hospital and they told him he had diabetes type 2 and emphysema. Someday I’ll give you the full story and everything in between that led up to him being in the hospital,  but for now our story continues after.

We had been living in an apartment that has black mold. For quite some time. And so when we found out Trent had emphysema I knew we couldn’t go back there. My father in-law invited us to come stay with him until we could save up for a new apartment. 

My life feels out of order. I’m staying strong for Trent and trying to make better choices, like not giving in to cravings for Taco Bell at 1 am, but damn it, I want a fucking cheeseburger.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed. Most days I can’t figure out why I’m  so angry,Most days I can’t figure out why nothing makes sense. Most days I hear people talking and I start to tune them out. My mind goes to that place that I know it’s only been three other times in my life. I start thinking that the scariest thing of all.

I hate that nothing ties me to here. You have no idea how easy it is for me to walk away from everything. I’m trying to get better as I get older,  but that scary thought of being able to walk away from everything is still there.

So, it’s 11:42 AM. I have taken the dog out to the car with me, I am listening to Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd and I’m sitting here writing.

I’m sitting here thinking about how The Universe has a way of balancing out everything.  How there’s a whole story that has yet to be told. I am thinking about how there are positives to this situation.  And then I start to break down in tears because I’m tired.

Dear Universe: I know you have a way of balancing everything out, but if you could make it slightly easier for me I would really appreciate it.

The question was: What do you take away from someone who has nothing? The answer: Nothing. I’m still me. I’m still Maegan Hagan. At the end of the day you can take away my home and my money,  but you can’t take away my stories or any of the experiences I’ve had with people.  I am me. I am beautiful.  I am strong. I am here.

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Important Life Lessons For Transitioning Yourself Into Adulthood

Let me first start off by saying that the things I’m about to tell you are important life lessons for transitioning yourself into adulthood. 
Did you know that if you don’t have insurance and expired tags the cops can come to your house even when you’re not out driving? Now, I guess what’s the most bothersome to me is that Owensboro had an EXTREME Meth and crack addiction. Soooo, instead of really paying attention to those idiots out there making and selling and distributing Meth and crack right in your backyard, they pick on my husband with a purple tracker that is just trying to make his way to a shitty 7.25 an hour job. I’m not saying were above the law. Obviously,  we’re not. I’m saying that some of us have to take back roads and go out of our way until tax time comes around. Not because we want to, but because we can’t afford new tags, because new tags requires insurance, insurance is expensive,  and most of the time we are just living paycheck to paycheck.  We don’t even buy anything extravagant for ourselves.
A luxury to us is getting to go to the fucking dentist. So, Trent comes upstairs and informs me that he can no longer drive until he gets insurance and tags. Which fucks up my day too, because Trent is my primary way to get anywhere.  “When am I going to get help?” Trent says with tears I’m his eyes. I don’t know what to tell him anymore. I know it’s the week before Christmas,  and there’s only so many times I can pull a rabbit out of my ass. And frankly, I’m tired of having to be the one to figure shit out. So, until further notice, I’ll be walking everywhere or taking a bus. Merry Christmas everyone.

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The Misadventures of My Dad’s Death, Or, How He Gave The Gift of Sight

Last year my Dad died very unexpectedly of a heart attack. It was heart breaking, he was my best friend, and we came to find out that not only did Dad die without a pot to piss in, but he had no life insurance.  I don’t talk about Dad’s death because I don’t want to think about how there was NO dignity to it at all.
 

When I think of death I kind of like thinking about it in a transcendental manner. I’d like to think of death as being Thoreau-esqu.

But dad’s death was waiting days for the hospital to determine there was no brain waves in order to pull the plug because our only neurologist was on vacation.

Dad’s death was my brother getting drunk in his hospital room and having to be escorted from the hospital by security guards.

Dad’s death was me fighting with every funeral home in town because he didn’t have life insurance and my credit is HORRIBLE! 

Dad’s death was me having to hustle together 3000.00 until they would THINK about having a four hour service for him, and agreeing to cremate him because burying next to my mom was too expensive.
And then our own paper The Messenger Inquirer didn’t get his obituary in the paper in time and practically no one knew he had even passed!

The ONLY good thing that came from my Father’s death was he was an Organ Donor.

The day before they chose to pull the plug The Kentucky Organ Donor Association came to me and told me my Father was an organ donor,  and they asked our permission to use his organs. 

If you knew my father, you know that my first response was, “Absolutely. ”

My father was a very giving man, so it was only appropriate that even in death, he chose to give.

They were wonderful!  They came to us and they said that there was a man that was going to give the gift of sight because of my father. They gave me and my brother’s a plaque for his heroism, and they said they would be in touch.

And they were! They wrote us many times in the next few weeks about their appreciation for what my dad had done, and the success of the surgery. Those next few weeks after dads death weren’t so hard because I had these wonderful letters to remind me of what an amazing man he was.

That Christmas was the hardest Christmas of my adult life. KODA, sent me an ornament to put on my tree to remind me of Dad.

So, the other night I had a dream about Dad. A lot of my dreams are with dad before he had the stroke. But the ones after he had the stroke are of me talking to a man that isn’t really my father. It’s a man that’s struggling and it reminds me of how much we struggled just to have him cremated.

So, I woke up and I took that dream with me to work. And I was having a really bad day anyways. I’m still trying to get used to my new job, and some days I still don’t know what I’m doing. So, I’m thinking about my dad, I’m having a bad day, and I get off work and the only thing I really wanted to do was call and talk to my dad. I get out of the car, get my mail, and make my way up the stairs.

I get inside, take all my clothes off and pick up the mail. I got a reminder from my doctors office reminding me of an appointment I have coming up, bills, bills, and then I pick up a letter that’s really heavy.

It was a letter from KODA with another ornament in it to remind me of Dad. I held it in my hand. It was an angel. It was then I remembered that Dad is everywhere I am. I don’t have to call and talk to him, he sends me ornaments!  I started to cry thinking about how he was such an AMAZING human being and how I can only strive to be as giving as him.

And then I just felt better.

The Kentucky Organ Donor Association is an amazing group. Please take the time and save a life! 
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My Only Wish For Christmas

Trent has been having a REALLY hard time. Without going into details, (because the details are actually pretty gruesome and incriminating, ) Trent and I are no longer talking to his sister Dana. That is why I haven’t been writing about her in the blog. And while I love Dana very much I don’t see the situation getting better anytime soon.

The reason why we loved hanging out downstairs, other than the fact that they are family is because we don’t have kids. It’s easy to become close to your nieces and nephews when they live so close and you have disposable income and you don’t have kids of your own. And Dana is really fun too!

So, Trent and I actually avoid downstairs at all cost. It’s a weird topic so we don’t even really talk about it with each other. It happened so fast, the situation that occurred,  and it was done during a very stressful time. Everyone was really stressed about Travis’ recovery.

So, I know a few of my readers have asked about Dana and the kids and how they are doing. We learned from Trent’s Dad that Dana is going for her reversal surgery for her colostomy bag in January and I was told by the kids that they are about to go on vacation to Florida for Christmas!  So, good things are happening all around, its just unfortunate that there is so much animosity.  Especially during this time of the year. Because if you can’t ask for peace at Christmas time, then when can you?

My husband is really depressed for the first time since we lost the twins. We were watching It’s A Wonderful Life, (Trent and Mine’s FAVORITE Christmas movie!) And I had dozed off. I woke up to it still being on. Trent was in tears, “I love Dana. I’m still really mad but I don’t want her to die from the reversal surgery.”

And I actually usually know what to say to make things better. But this time I didn’t. This time I just sat there, held him, and listened while he cried.

We get to the end, the part where everyone comes in with baskets of money for George Bailey, and Trent starts crying again. “When is MY Bedford Falls going to help ME out?”

And really, its such a Universal thought to have isn’t it? When you’re in trouble and in your deepest and darkest place don’t you WANT someone to come in and cash in all of your Karma points? Don’t you want everyone to remember EVERY good deed you’ve ever done? And the sad thing is, Trent has done A LOT. It’s time for his ship to cone in.

I think right now Trent has gained a significant amount of weight, he feels he’s in a dead end job, but more importantly, he feels as if he has no family. And how do you make something better when it has gotten SO bad. Do you all have any suggestions?  I’ll take any help in this area Because I would lasso the moon for Trent.

It’s a long shot to ask for peace with his family right now, but that is my ONLY wish for Christmas.  I KNOW it’s a longshot and it would take a miracle, but, hey -Christmas is about miracles.

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Maegan Hagan’s Predictions For The Year 2013

Obviously,  if you read the title you will know that I have not drunk the kool aide and I don’t believe that the end of the world is going to happen at the end of this year. I do believe however that there are serious issues going on with the balance of everything in our Universe.

One of the things that comes with my gifts is this ability to feel what others are going through. Its known as being an empath medium, and it can be a good thing, as I can sense when someone is in duress.  It can be a bad thing too, but I digress….

The biggest thing I had happen this year that was different than any other year was that I was having these really powerful experiences where everyone was feeding off of my energy. If I was in a great mood, everyone else was in a great mood. But if I was in a shitty mood, EVERYONE was in a shitty mood.

I saw my moods effected by the weather more this year than any other year I’ve been doing this. There would be one day that I would be an emotional wreck, and then later on in the day there would be a huge storm coming.

But,  then I would find that other people that day had been an emotional mess!

Which leads me up to my point,

2013:

1. Mediums are going to be able to do much more with their gifts. The veil of our world and the spirit world is going to become harder to distinguish.

2. Okay, I also am going to make a prediction that this is the year that we find out that there are plans to start colonies on other planets. 

3. This is the year we make contact with other life forms.  There have been major sightings in all area’s of the world. They are caught by every major network.

Occupiers are back. There is a group that is extremists and they appear to be younger. Students in college. These people plan to take the movement in a new direction.

I see something happening in Moscow with their government.
China is a huge problem. They are secretly developing very serious weapons that can hurt A LOT of peope

Back to America for a second

Better news- I see gas going down halfway through the year.

Celebrities :
Lady Gaga is going to have serious depression issues that are going to show themselves more this year.

That’s all I want to talk about in regards to celebrities  

Okay, so here is my big reveal and if you take anything away you need to pay attention to this. Around April I see an earthquake coming. Scientists predict that it’s in California.  I’m saying that everything in my body is telling me its in Arizona. These people need to protect themselves. California will be effected, but only because of aftershocks.

This earthquake will cause us to work together in amazing ways as a human race to help people that have been effected. This earthquake has the possibility and probability, of destroying the entire state.

Something big is coming, in reguard to the human race. I think some of you that are reading this post believe me. I think some of you have this feeling too, and that’s why you are reading.

Some of you have been blessed with these amazing gifts of intuition and you are just now discovering that you have these gifts.  I believe very strongly that the gifts have something to do with the shift that is coming. You have to be able to learn how to use these gifts. More importantly, your gifts are going to be stronger than MINE,  and only you are going to know what to do with them. You’re going to have to use them for good and learn to keep them in check.

Its going to be hard, but you have to. You can come to me if you want to talk about it. Its a scary scary thing, but you’re going to help a lot of people.

So, that’s my predictions for 2013. For entertainment purposes only.  Do whatever you want to with it.

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“She worries so nobody else has to.” Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving is my day to shine! I spend months prepping and planning and slaving, and worrying! How many can relate?

And, the whole time you’re thinking, is anyone even going to appreciate it?

My Dad understood the importance of this. I remember my Grandmother Stella standing over that hot ass stove EVERY YEAR, and Dad telling me to go help her. I would shrug my shoulders and go up to her, “Grandma, do you need any help?’ She would smile and say, “No, baby. I’m fine.”

I have always loved Thanksgiving! It is that one hoiday where you see people all year long that you want to see, but sometimes you just don’t have the time! Thanksgiving, is the day that we have been socialized and taught that it is the day you HAVE to see them!

And you get to eat as MUCH food without one person DARING to say anything about your weight!

So, if you will give me the chance I will teach you how to have the perfect Thanksgiving, and how to prep, budget, and plan accordingly!

So, first you need to figure out where you are going to have Thanksgiving, My husband and I live in a one bedroom walk up, so if we want to have get together, it is nearly impossible. Actually, having more that Trent and myself in the apartment makes me feel like someone is setting on my chest. It’s a tight fit.

We typically go to My Father in-law, Mike’s house. However, with Travis being sick, Mike went to the hospital this year and spent the day with Travis. My family is kind of out there, but I figured this would give me a chance to see my brother Dirk who I never get to see, and let me show off my cooking talents to them.

Decide on a time. This year we decided to eat around dinner time. I told everyone that I wanted to shoot for 5:00pm. We typically have it at noon, but I figured a dinner would be lovely.

I gave myself a budget of 200.00. 200.00 is actually a lot for me to spend, and it was my entire take home pay, but I desperately need to feel in control on Thanksgiving, and if it takes almost my entire pay check to feel thay way, then I’ll do it!

I made a menu: Appetizers: Bitch Dip Crab Rangoon Shrimp, (There’s a reason behind this, I’ll get back to that!) Veggie Platter

Main Course Deep Fried Cajun Turkey

Side Dishes Cranberry Sauce Corn Casserole Green Bean Casserole Brocolli and rice casserole Sweet potato casserole Cheddar Bay Biscuits Mac N Cheese Mashed Potatos

Desserts Pecan Pie Pumpkin Pie

So, I go to the store and I get all of the ingredients. I actually was only able to buy the ingredient the day before because I got paid on Wednesday, but, it worked out PERFECTFLY! When I went to the store I actually had it in my mind that this year I am going to focus on help with my appetizers so I can give ALL my attention to the Turkey. Because lets be honest-the turkey can make or break your entire meal. Last year we chose to do a Turducken, and it was very expensive, but if you are like me you enjoy the challenge of it all and you love the bragging rights! Last year the Turducken was beautiful and it made for some great dinner conversations!

This year I had A LOT to live up to. I wanted to do something I had never done before, I wanted to deep fry a turkey!

With the help of Kroger I bought a few of my appetizers. I bought a veggie platter and a Shrimp platter. The shrimp platter was for my husband Trent. He loves shrimp, and every year I go through an epic battle with him to leave the food alone. By the end of the day I,’ve done everything short of asking for a divorce just to get him away from the food. I made Bitch Dip and Crab Rangoon this year. Now, what is Bitch Dip? Bitch Dip is really easy and you have probably already eatten it once in your life. I call it Bitch Dip because a bitch taught me how to make it, AND, it is something that when you are hungry you pop it in your mouth and you stop bitching.

Bitch Dip 1 block of velveeta cheese 1 can of Rotel 2 packages of sausage

Directions: Fry up sausage and make sure you chop it up. If you want to save money, hamburger is actually a pretty good substitution and it gives you more. While you are frying up the Sausage or Hamburger you cut up and entire block of cheese and put it in a microwavable safe dish. Open the can of Rotel and put on top. You then put the sausage on top and microwave for three minutes. This will save you time so please take advantage. You then put in a crock pot and just let it sit over night. Remember this is made the night BEFORE Thanksgiving, when you will be doing the most prep work.

This is one of the more loved dishes in my house, please feel free to tweak it and let me know other ways of making it better. We usually eat half of it the night before Thanksgiving and its something that keeps our bellies full!

The next dish that can be done the night before is the Crab Rangoon. This was my first time making them, so I was TERRIFIED I was going to screw them up!

Crab Rangoon 1 package of wonton wraps 1 package of cream cheese 2 green onions finely chopped 1 tbsp soy sauce dash of garlic powder 1 immitation crab meat

Okay, so you can USE real crab meat but its really expensive, and I didnt want to buy it for something that i didnt even know if anyone was going to like. So, like I said I bought the immitation crab meat for 2.50 and I couldn’t stand the smell so I threw it out! And after reading tons of user boards, many people said the same thing, you can use it, but it really isn’t necessary.

You take the ingredients listed above and you mix them all together and you take the wonton wrapper and put a dab of it on the inside. You then proceed to wrap it like a flower. Once again, this is prep work done the night before. You do this and you put it on a platter and wrap it up with seran wrap to be made the next day. This dish can be baked or fried, but I practiced baking it, and it was REALLY good EITHER way!

So, something I go back and forth with every year is whether or not I should do my casserole the night before. This year I chose to mix up the casseroles the night before.

Corn Casserole 1 can of regular sweet corn 1 can of cream style corn 1tub of sour cream 1 box of Jiffy 1 stick of unsalted butter 1 bag of casserole cheese

This casserole is typically a favorite in my house hold. I usually double up the ingredients because it is so cheap to make! This was a dish made by my grandmother so this is usually a favorite of everyone’s because they associate it with my Grandma Stella. You throw all of the ingredients listed above together, with the exception of the cheese, amd you toss it in the oven at 350 for 45 minutes. You then put the casserole cheese on top and bake for another 15 minutes. Its simple and easy to make!

I then moved on to my Rachael Ray, It’s Not Easy Being Green-Bean Casserole Simply put, it’s like the regular old Green Bean Casserole, with the exception of you use real mushrooms and shallots.

It’s Not Easy Being Green-Bean Casserole 1 can of cream of mushroom 1 handful of mushrooms shallots 2 cans of french stye cut green beans 1 can of Durkees French French Fried Onions 3/4 a cup of milk

Sautee your mushrooms and shallots and then throw together everything listed above, including the fench fried onions, (with the exception of 1/4 th of them,). Bake at 350 for 45 minutes and then you throw the rest of the french fried onions on top and you are finished.

For the yams and the brocolli and rice casserole i really cut corners this year and I’ll get back to that in a second. I actuallly went ahead and I saw this already made deal in Kroger’s deli, and it is not good AT ALL. I will never cut corners in that aspect again.

Everything for both came freshly made, the yams came with a bag of cranberries, walnuts, marshmellows and yams that were very beautiful and cut fine. It also came with a tiny thing of syrup. The directions SAID to Take the yams and syrup and mix them in a bowl together. The only thing the directions said for me to add were 2 tbsp of butter. It then said to add foil to the top of the container it came in and place it on a baking sheet and in the oven for 45 minutes. Okay, so I did so, and 45 minutes later how pissed was I when I took it out of the oven, and not only did the yams NOT get done AT ALL, but I realized I had wasted 45 minutes on a work,  he threw those in a pan of boilng water and let them boil for about 45 minutes. He took them out, drained them, but syrup we magically found in the cubby, along with honey, and butter and we threw the cranberries, walnuts, and marshmellow’s on top.

The Brocolli Rice Casserole was EVEN worse! The pre made dish came with brocolli, onions, rice, cheese, and cream of mushroom. The directions SAID to take the brocolli and onions in sautee them in vegetable oil for five minutes. For some reason it the brocollli didn’t want to cook! It was the oddest thing! I don’t know if I was getting tired but it just kept getting worse from there! I threw in the rice and cream of mushroom thinking, its fine, the brocolli will just get done when I put it in the oven. It did not work! Thee rice tasted doughy? IT WAS FUCKING WEIRD! And it is Trent’s favorite dish so I felt SUPER bad! I ended up throwing it out!

That was Wednesday night, I finished with enough time to watch American Horror Story: Asylum, and I tried relaxing but I really couldn’t! Lol, I just kept thinking, I’m going to screw up the Turkey, none of the sides are going to be hot by the time I get the turkey done, what if the Crab Rangoon falls apart when I’m frying them? Should I have gotten the dog neutered with this pay check instead of buying all of this food everyone may or may not eat? IS THERE A BETTER FUCKING WAY TO KEEP THIS SHIT HOT?

After googling what seemed to be a million different things on ways to keep the sides warm I finally passed out at Midnight. I woke up at Eight to hear Trent talking on the phone to Dirk. He said he was in Yankeetown and he was almost here. I rushed to the bathroom and started taking a shower. I got out and dried off just in time to greet Dirk at the door, to which I discovered that Trent had gotten the veggie and the shrimp tray out and ate almost 60 pieces of shrimp BY HIS SELF! Okay, so that actually was part of my plan. I wanted him to get into the shrimp and eat himself stupid until he passed out, beause every year he gets and pokes around at everything I’m making. Well, I like to take pictures of my food after I’ve made it, but I can’t take pictures if he has bitten into almost everything I’ve made!

But, it looked like he had picked over the appetizers! Dirk looked totally disappointed! I started to laugh when I saw Dirk’s face. “Did you mother fucker’s decide to eat without me?” I started to laugh and I gave him a hug. I love my brother Dirk. He has had a really rough life, and he really just wants to take care of his son, Justin. I gave him and Justin an even longer hug and told them to to get the fuck out of the kitchen, because I had a turkey to make!

Cajun Deep Fried Turkey 2 cups of melted butter 1/4 a cup of onion juice 1/4 a cup of garlic juice 1/4 a cup of louisiana style hot sauce 1/4 a cup of worshister sauce 2 tbsp of ground black pepper 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper 7 fluid ounces of beer 3 gallons of peanut frying oil 1 12 lb turkey

So, you begin with melting the butter, and mixing in the onion juice, garlic sauce, worchester sauce, hot sauce, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and beer. This recipe is really ALL about the seasoning. You take a baster and use it to put ALL the mixture over and in the turkey. After the turkey has all of the nasty stuff pulled out its okay to put a stick of butter on the inside. I have found over the years that this makes the turket EXTREMELY moist. To the point where it falls apart in your mouth. This was put in a turkey bag the night before so it was allowed time for all the juices to soak up the seasonings.

All right so, its Thursday, and as I told you, I worry every year that everything is going to go wrong. I’m outside and Sheena comes out there. I have the friar and I lowered the turkey in the pan and poured the oil in the the friar to the point where it was going to cover the entire turkey.

Sheena has started crying. A vital part of the story is that, the reason why I had to do this for dinner is because Sheena and Brent had to go with Sheena’s mom to Shoney’s for lunch. Well, I had used Sheena’s phone the night before because my phone was dead and I was still looking up tips for Thanksgiving. I had put the phone on the charger and I guess her mom had been calling her all morning. When Sheena finally answered her mother was screaming at the top of her lungs at her. “Where the hell are you?!?” She screamed. “You’ve slept half of the day away!” She screeched. It’s also important to note that it was ten o’clock when she said that to Sheena and also, Sheena has worked the day before from 7 am until 11 pm. So, she was exausted! I gave her a hug and told her to do as we had already planned. Go see her mom, say hello, and happy Thanksgiving, and then come home, and we will make our own memories and have our own Thanksgiving. She left and I got the oil heated up to 365 degree’s. I then submerged the turkey completely in the oil and I sat out there for about twenty minutes. It was supposed to be done for about 40 minutes, BUT we weren’t going to be eating until five. So, I decided to roast the rest of the turkey at noon after everyone had gotten home. So, I go inside and I pop all of the casserole in. Bam! Bam! Bam! I’m knocking it out right and left. I have put the appetizer’s back in the fridge so they can all be cold when everyone went to eat. It’s about two, so I decide to put the turkey in the oven. I put it in a roasting pan and baisted it in butter. I can’t explain to you HOW MUCH BUTTER IS THE KEY WITH TURKEY’S! IT WILL MAKE OR BREAK YOUR ENTIRE MEAL! Nobody wants a dry turkey!

So, I put the oven on 350 and I put the timer on 350. While that is going on I put the oil in a pan on top of the stove and I start to heat it up.

Sheena and Brent are back home trying to recover from her mother, but everyone is there. Trent has snuck off to the back and has passed out after eating all the shrimp, (as predicted!) I then throw in the Crab Rangoon in the oil. It actually heated up in a matter of twenty seconds. I only did five at a time and I didn’t crowd them in the pan, which really helped! I put them on top of paper towels and I knock out about fifty of them. I set them to the side. I start on the potatos. At this point, people are starting to complain that they are hungry. Fuck that! You got time to bitch in my kitchen, you got time, to cook! Trent got to work on the Cheddar Bay Biscuits and Sheena started peeling potatoes. As Sheena was peeling potatoes I ran to her neighbors and asked if I could borrow a mixer for the potatoes. They said sure! Well, they follow me back over, and we are chit chatting. Well, I can’t tell this to people enough, the things people wonder about me and worry about me, are things I’m already concerned I’ve fucked up! I wish I could explain that enough! Well her neighbors see the brocolli rice casserole and say, “What is this?” With a look of disgust on their face. It’s nothing. It’s from a corner I was trying to cut, I’m about to throw it out. They hear the timer go off in the oven, I pull open the door and they see that I didnt have aluminum foil on the turkey. Well, most of you probably know, you only have to have foil on the turkey the first few hours you are making it. The last few hours is for it to become a golden brown. And they said, “Maegan, you should’ve put aluminum foil on it to seal in the moisture. It’s probably not going to be tender now.” Well, my nerves started getting the best of me and I started to cry.

I thought about all of the work I had put into it, and how much I wanted everyone to like it, and ALL of the MONEY I DON’T HAVE! And, maybe we should’ve just gone to Shoney’s? Trent grabbed me, “Mae.” I’m not responding. “Mae!” He shouts and shakes me. Everyone is looking. “What’s wrong?” Trent makes everyone leave and get out of the kitchen.

My brother Brent comes in. “Maegan, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I shake my head. “I’ll be fine.”

“She had a panic attack. She’s fine now.” Trent says relieved.

The turkey is done at this point, I pull it out of the oven and put foil on it. I throw all of the casseroles in the oven to heat them up and I start cutting the potatoes. The next thing I know Trent goes over to the turkey and starts picking at it. He starts picking at it after he ate all those expensive Shrimp. Something in me at that moment snapped. I was holding the knife, and I put it to Trent’s chest, “Trent, if you touch that Turkey one more time, you’re gonna lose a hand!” Trent starts to laugh and then I started to laugh and I needed it! Sometimes, I really feel unappreciated! So, Brent comes in the kitchen as we are finishing up the potatos and gravy and shells and cheese. Brent asked if there was anything he could do. I started to laugh and I just said to hell with it! I am not my Grandma Stella! She could’ve fixed a feast without any help at all but I just can’t! “I need you to finish up the potatos.” I said, completely exasberated. I’m throwing everything on the table, one by one and Brent doesn’t really know what to say. I’m slicing the cranberries and he says, “Wow, you really went out! This a real fiest!” I start to chuckle, “It better be, I’ve been planning it for months now. ” “I’m really proud of you, Maegan. You’ve become a real Susie Homemaker.” “Rachael Ray!” Sheena chimes in. I roll my eyes, “Yeah, well I don’t feel like it, Grandma used to do all of this with NO ONE’S help!” Brent stops what he’s doing, “Maegan. Grandma did it for a million years. She also had people that brought their own casseroles over, and she had two ovens. Look at this fiest you cooked, ALL by yourself. We’re proud of you. And you got us all together, which isn’t the easiest thing to do since Dad died.” I finish placing all of the food on the table. Brent picks up his camera and starts taking pictures. “I just can’t get over this.” He says.

So, everyone comes in and we hol hand and Trent says grace and then he carves the turkey and everyone eats! There were things that I didn’t think of that I will have learned a lesson from this year. The Crab Rangoon was impeccable, and it was the best part of the meal. The turkey was FUCKING AMAZING! However, it is more of a dish that would be better for only adults.

Because I am extremely self depricating I would like to take the next part to talk about all of the things that coul’dve gone better and critique myself so I have something to remember for next year. With the turkey the adults seemed to like it, but the kids had A LOT of complaints about it being hot! A LOT! So, next year I’m probabluy going on the lighter side. I also will probably request that people bring their own side dishes. It is hard keeping them warm without burning them. Especially with one oven! Also, next year I want to focus on less dishes with cheese. I didn’t realize but pretty much every dish had cheese in it or on it! Maybe a little more diverity next year? What are your thoughts? This girl is open for suggestions!

After everyone had ate I couldn’t find Trent, I thought he was in the back passed out from eating all the turkey, He was in the back writing this,

“Been a good drama free day with my in-law’s. Besides the part where Mae threatened to stab me if I touched her Turkey until it was finished. I mean I saw the turkey, and I wanted to pick at it, and one thing led to another, and she just happened to be slicing the potatoes, and she held a knife to me and said, “If you touch this turkey one more time your gonna lose a hand!” I can’t help it, this woman knows her way around the kitchen! And those Crab Rangoon was GOOOOOOD! They were just like at a restaurant!  My wife is crazy and cool and I love our lives together. She worried for six weeks about this meal, and it can get really stressful when she worries so much, but I get it. She worries so no body else has to and there’s something beautiful about that. I’m so thankful for my wife.  Love you boo.”

I am extremely thankful for my life and the crazy people in it! Crazy beats crazy in this family and I love every second of it!

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On The Edge

His eyes were no longer the same. His eyes, once full of life and compassion- now looked dead.

It happened the week after our miscarriage. He told himself to be strong for me, he wasn’t allowed to be weak.

He told himself that he wasn’t allowed to feel anything about this painful event that had taken place in both of our lives together. He was the man – men are supposed to be strong- didn’t you know?

Trent had been out of a job. He went looking for work the next week. It was right after the crash of 2008. Everyone was out of a job! I had been working since I was 15, and I was out of a job! I wasn’t working either, but Trenton told himself he was the man. It was his job to take care of us. He would go to these interviews and there would be ten other people there, and Trenton would go in to the interview thinking, ‘Oh great! What’s the point? These people  look way more qualified that me!”

I held in my hand the third rejection letter Trenton had received in three weeks.
I sat in the van silent as Trenton quietly read the letter to himself. After about two minutes Trent put the van in drive. He started out at a normal speed but as we hit downtown area of Owensboro, Kentucky, his driving became more aggressive.
So, here we are in a van painted like a FUCKING COW, on Frederica, and we are at 65 MPH.

Our car had broken down a week before this. Trent and I were pretty much only left with the option of buying this 1995 White Cargo Van. His brother had already started making jokes about it looking like a van used to abduct children, so I thought I would spruce it up, and I thought it was a awesome idea to paint it like a cow! Trenton had a really good time painting it, too. It was the first time he had smiled in months.

“Trenton, you’re scaring me. Please stop the van!”

“STOP THE FUCKING VAN, TRENTON! ” I screamed as loud as I could.

I watched in horror as Trenton pulled into the parking garage of the RiverPark Center. I remember thinking,  this isn’t my husband!

First Floor- “Stop the van, Trenton!”

Second Floor – “I’m calling 911 Trenton!”

I picked up the phone and accidently dropped it as we reached the Third floor. “It’s going to be okay, Trenton – JUST STOP THIS GOD DAMN VAN! PLEASE!!!”
I tried reaching for the phone but it was too late- we were at the top of the building.
I remember watching this beautiful man – the man I promised the rest of my life to grow old with, get out of the van and walk to the edge of the building.
But I wasn’t giving up that easy! I was not going to lose him! I remember running after him as his second foot reached the ledge and grabbing onto the black peacoat he had on.

A black peacoat that I had bought him our first Christmas together because he had always wanted a peacoat. It was Trent’s favorite possession in the world. I grabbed the inside of that beautiful peacoat and somehow that beautiful peacoat managed to give me leverage enough to grab onto him and throw him to the ground.

We laid there and for a moment there was silence, until he started to cry. “Why the fuck shouldn’t I just end it? You would be so much better without me.”
And so I said the first thing that came to my mind,”Because I love you. Because you love me. Because there is no me without you, and if you do this right here, right now – you are going to fuck me up for life.”

I look back on it now and think of how insanely selfish it was that it was the only thing I could think of to say. What him killing himself would do to me.

But it worked. And we got in the van and I called every person possible I could that could help my husband get to the hospital to get help.

It took a lot of work and through the process we learned a lot about Trenton. We learned that Trent had undiagnosed depression for several years.
The truth is right now – even without really thinking I can come up with three things I love about Trenton.

1. He has a great heart and he would do anything for anyone
2. He has these almond shaped eyes that I used to stare at for hours when we first started dating. They’re gorgeous.
3. Trent is crazy smart.  He doesn’t even have to try – he just is!

There’s a ton of qualities that I see in Trent. But that doesn’t matter. Because Trent doesn’t see Trent that way.

I’m not going to lie – there have been several bumps in the road to Trent’s treatment of depression — but he keep going. And we all love him very much for that because we couldn’t imagine him NOT in our lives.
I would really love to hear your thoughts and if you have stories like this- please feel free to share them with me. If you feel like you need to get it out of you and put it to paper-send it to me! I will listen!

I love you Trenton Hagan, and I am so incredibly proud of how far you have come!

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22 Things You Should Know About Me, Maegan Hagan.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Maegan Hagan, Mae to most people. I would like to take a few moments to tell you what this blog is about.

1. I am scared of the color red

2. I watch E! News ALL the time!

3. I have a half pug/half shitzoo named Henry Chewy Barka Hagan, and a half pug/half Chihuahua named Stella.

4.My mom died when I was 14. She was a manic depressed and had a lot of health issues.

5. I am a 3rd generation tarot reader. I specialize in dates times, and pregnancies. I can smell it on a person. Also, I can tell if a person has just had sex. Lol, and other stuff. Like if someone is lying to me. Some people call me a psychic.

6. I hate the term psychic.

7.In my head, I am a reall down to Earth girl. But anyone I have ever dated says I’m super high maintenance.

8. My Dad was my best friend in the entire world.

9. When I’m alone I do REALLY weird things! For example, I LOVE standing in front of a mirror and pretending I’m being interviewed by E! News! I also dance and sing at the top of my lungs!

10. I LOVE Lady Gaga!

11.I Love my family and my best friend Kristal Kimbley

12. My favorite movies are Rent, Funny Girl, and The Way We Were

13.I am a writer. I am in the middle of trying to be published, and it has gotten kind of ugly.

14. I’m VERY close to my sister in law Dana. She is probably one of the closest people in my life. As weird as it sounds, she is the closest thing I have ever had to a mother.

15. I was brutally attacked when I was 15 walking home from school. I had to have my jaw reconstructed and wired shut.

16. One of my favorite writers is Chompsky

17. I collect interesting and new people. If I can’t find anything interesting about you- I won’t talk to you!

18. My favorite television show was How I Met Your Mother.

19. I have been married to my best friend, Trenton Hagan for seven years now. When I met Trent it was like gravity pulled me toward him. It was like I had already known him. To this day he said he remembers thinking the same thing about me.

20. I REALLY like Tequilla!

21. I truly ENJOY helping people out!

22. I once met Bill Clinton, and he thanked me for the work I did with The Kentucky Democratic Party.

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