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Chapter 5: Girls Night Out

Chapter 5: Girls Night Out

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Usually, Mae and Kristel meet at Denny’s on a Saturday morning for breakfast where they cuss and discuss the world and all its antics. This weekend, though, they decided to wait until Saturday night, that a movie would be nice, then go claim their favorite table after. They agreed that they needed a girls’ night out, and settled on the late showing of “The Wedding Ringer” at the Owensboro Cinema, then supper at the Denny’s just down from the theater on Frederica Street.

“I’m here, girl!” Kristel knocked on the door then let herself in. “Let’s go see Kevin Hart and Josh Gad dance the tango.”

Kristel gave Trenton a kiss on the cheak, “Hey bubba! I’ve missed you! “

Trenton loved when Mae and Kristel hung out, he knew a marathon of Pawn Stars was in clear sight. Also, Kristel was like a sister to Trenton. They had played in orchestra at Owensboro Middle School until they were Seniors at Owensboro High school.

Mae kissed Trent goodbye. “I’ll be home before dawn,” she laughed.

“I’ll be sure to warn the rest of the world,” Trent quipped back.

“Hey. We’re mostly harmless,” Mae kissed him again on the cheek then she and Kristel climbed down the steps.

“I’ll drive. I can drop you off here on the way home,” Kristel waved Mae to her car.

“Sounds good.”

At the cinema, they purchased their tickets and a couple of Cokes and a tub of popcorn to share. They had to dodge families and kids on their way to their theater.

Kristel watched on decidedly hyperactive rug rat brushed past her leg. The bump jiggled her arm, and spilled some popcorn on the carpet. “That kid needs his meds.” She and Mae shared a laugh. “I don’t understand why they show kids’ movies this late at night. This should be the time for us big kids.”

“Maybe we could go in to see Strange Magic with them, and bump their arms when they take a drink, and not even say we’re sorry.”

“Oh hell, no.” Kristel pointed to a family going into a theater. “They’re taking those little kids to see “American Sniper.” No wonder we’ve got a bunch of juvenile delinquents running around acting like fools. They get trained from an early age.”

“Those parents’ll pay for it later, what do you want to bet?” Mae nodded. She pointed to their doors. “Let’s go see granny catch on fire.”

Mae and Kristel left the Hall of Sticky Carpets and entered the Stadium of Sticky Floors. Mae and Kristel walked up the stairs to the very top. Mae always loved watching the people’s reaction to the movie as was were watching it -probably more than the movie itself.

Half way through the movie they saw something tiny scurry into the people’s aisle in front of them. There seemed to be three of whatever it was.

“Kristel…did you jus see-“

“Yep.”

The next thing you know people were screaming and running from the movie theatre! “Mice! There’s an infestation! They’re everywhere!” Kristel and Mae looked at each other and kick up their feet up.

Mae belts out a large laugh, “Well, at least we cleared the movie theatre of all those bratty kids!”

***

It was midnight when they pulled up to Denny’s. The parking lot was about half full, and they parked around the side from the front door.

“The trailer is always better than the movie.” Mae said, and opened the door to the brightly lit foyer.

“I know that’s right! I laughed here and there at the one liners and some of the gags, but they could have just made a silent movie, and I probably would have laughed just as much.” Kristel shook her head. “But Kevin Hart can shake it. Even Josh Gad managed to look a little sexy when they were dancing.”

“It was okay, though.” Mae turned to the hostess. “Two. And can we get a half-and-half tabletop? The one that’s half booth and half table?”

“Sure,” the hostess smiled and grabbed a couple of menus. “Right this way.” She led them to their table. It sat near a corner of the dining room where they had a clear view of everything and everyone.

“Thanks,” Mae said and crawled into the booth seat against the wall.

Kristel sat across from her. “All I’m saying is I’d still buy a ticket to see a sexy many in a tuxedo grind it on the dance floor.”

“So let’s go to a male strip club, already!”

Kristel looked as if she might consider it. “We’ll do that next week,” she laughed.

The friends looked over their menus, and their waitress suddenly appeared and placed glasses of iced water in front of them. “Hi, I’m Jennifer, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. Would you like anything to drink?”

“Sweet tea with three lemons,” said Mae.

“Me too,” said Kristel. “Mae, we’ve been coming here every Saturday now for five years. For five years you ask for three lemons with your tea. Why not one? Why not four?

Mae laughs, “I got it down to a science. Three is too many…and one and two is not enough!” She fake crosses her eye at Kristel and they both bust out laughing.

“Are you ready to order?” Jennifer, who looked young enough to still be in school, pulled out her order pad and pen. “The special is, um, just a minute. I’ll go look at the board again.”

“That’s okay. We’re ready,” Mae said. “I’ll have the Bourbon Bacon Burger. She’s in the mood for some ultimate meat.”

“Oh, I know you did not just say that,” Kristel laughed.

The waitress stood there with a blank face, oblivious to the double meaning humor.

Mae and Kristel looked at the her, waiting for any kind of response.

“Girl, you need to get out more and have some fun,” Kristel turned her eyes back to the menu. “I’m going to have… the Meat Lover’s Omelet.”

Mae and Kristel burst out laughing, but the waitress gave a weak attempt at a smile, and wrote their orders down. “I’ll be right back with your drinks.” She vanished behind a partition.

“She’s about as loose as a rusty wind-up doll,” Kristel shook her head.

“Well, after waiting on us, ‘the Jennifer’ will either be wound down or loosened up good.” Mae sipped her water.

While they waited for their food, the bar crowd started to trickle in. An especially inebriated woman with disheveled blonde hair staggered up to the hostess, and when she opened her mouth to tell her how many would be joining her, the hostess turned her head and leaned away.

Kristel watched with a grin and became more amused at the drunken display. “I bet if you squeeze her, you’ll get another quart of 151.”

“I could probably run my car on her breath alone,” Mae agreed.

“There’s three more.” The woman shouted and held up her whole hand.

The hostess smiled her practiced, plastic smile and grabbed a handful of menus and led the woman to a table near Mae and Kristel.

“Did you see that? The hostess chick didn’t even bat an eye,” Kristel said. “And that smile? She’s so fake, I bet if you look on the back of her neck, it says, ‘made in China’.”

Mae laughed with water in her mouth which almost decided to fly across the table, but she made an epic save with her napkin. “Don’t say stuff like that when I’ve got water in my mouth!”

Kristel nodded her head to the door. “There they are.”

Two people, a man and a woman, walked up to the door. The man grabbed at the door handle and missed.

Mae laughed. “Oh, this is going to be good.”

The man tried again and missed. He also leaned forward when he made the try, and fell against the door.

“That’s probably the only thing keeping him up at the moment,” Kristel chuckled under her breath.

The woman, dressed in outdated leopard print spandex pants and an oversized shirt, pulled him back, and he swayed a step back. She said something to him and he waved her to the door. She successfully grabbed the door handle and pulled. It must have opened easier than she thought it would because she staggered back with the motion of the door. The man walked in and stopped at the claw game. He pulled out his wallet while the woman walked past him, mouthing some really bad scolding words. She saw her friend at the table and made her way through the dining room, holding to a chair here, and a waitress there.

Mae watched, hypnotized by the show. “I can’t even read lips, and I know what she said.”

“You know it. He’s going to be in trouble when he sobers up, I bet.”

“Not if she doesn’t remember it,” Mae replied, and they both laughed.

The Jennifer brought their drinks. “Your food will be out shortly.” The Jennifer then turned to the table where the two sloshed women sat. “Hi, I’m Jennifer, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. Would you like something to drink?”

The blonde shouted, “Whiskey sour, no cherry,” and guffawed loudly. She slapped her friend’s arm, and her friend wobbled sideways.

The Jennifer stood with her pad and pen at the ready. She put the pen to the paper then put her head up again. “I don’t think we have that. I’ll go check. Be right back.”

The drunk women leaned in toward each other and bumped heads, loudly. They held their foreheads in pain, but continued to laugh louder.

The Jennifer returned and said, “I’m sorry, but we don’t have that on our drink list. We have, um, coffee, tea, juice, and, um…”

“Give’m coffee!” Kristel said loudly enough for The Jennifer to hear.

The Jennifer looked at Kristel, and her eyes widened a little as if she understood what was going on, nodded and started writing on her pad.

“Oh jeez, she’s writing it down!” Kristel and Mae both turned a little more to get a better view.

“I’m going to stand at the door and charge admission for this,” Mae said.

“Yeah!” Kristel said. “We’d make up for how much we spent at the movies!”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“Nah, but this is better.”

Leopard Spandex grabbed The Jennifer’s hand, the one that was writing on the pad, and the pen made a long, dark line across the page.

“Hey,” The Jennifer pulled her hand away. “I get in trouble if the numbers on the pad don’t match up with what I turn in, and I can’t skip numbers.”

Blondie and Leopard Spandex both blurted out, “Fuck the coffee.”

“Okay, okay,” The Jennifer said, “What would you like to drink? And it needs to be something we have.”

“Strawberry Mango Pucker,” said Blondie.

“Chocolate milk,” said Leopard Spandex.

Kristel turned to Mae. “What kind of odds do you think we’ve got that someone will be puking soon?”

“Ugh, we’re about to eat, and you give me that mental image!”

“I ain’t giving you anything. Those two are giving us everything.”

“Where’s the guy?” Mae craned her neck over the diners and saw him still playing at the claw machine. “Oh dear lord, he’s still at the game. Maybe he fell asleep standing up.”

The Jennifer brought their plates. “Please enjoy your meal.”

“We’re enjoying the floor show more,” Kristel said.

The Jennifer, again, stood still as if trying to figure out what language Kristel was speaking.

“Never mind,” Kristel said. “Thank you,” she said slowly, loudly, and clearly. “We. Will. Be. Fine. It’s. All. O. Kay.”

“Oh, okay,” The Jennifer smiled happily. “Let me know if you need anything else.”

They ate and watched more drunks come in.

“Saturday night at Denny’s,” said Mae.

“Only in Owensboro,” said Kristel.

“Doubt it this time,” said Mae, and she took a huge bite of her burger.

They watched The Jennifer take Blondie’s and Leopard Spandex’s order, and were surprised that they all got it right on the first try.

About the time that they finished their meal, the man at the claw machine finally entered the dining room and joined the women. Blondie high-fived him, but Leopard Spandex slapped him.

“Looks like The Claw ain’t getting any tonight!” Mae laughed.

“Not with what she said to him earlier,” Kristel commented. “He’ll be lucky if he even gets to sleep in the same house.”

The Jennifer brought the bill, and the girls rose to leave. The Jennifer also dropped the bill with Leopard Spandex and Blondie. Spandex handed the bill to The Claw who pulled out his wallet and showed her an empty money slot.

Kristel and Mae sat back down to see the rest of the show.

Leopard Spandex turned to Blondie who had a big bite of eggs and hash browns hanging from her mouth and tried to tell Spandex that no, she didn’t have enough to cover their bill.

Leopard Spandex stood up and began yelling at The Claw who shrank into his chair. He pointed to the claw machine, and began to yell back.

“I just wanted to do something nice for you and get you a nice present, and you’re an ungrateful bitch!”

“You alcoholic, stupid, limp-dick! Can’t even hold a dollar!”

The manager handled it by removing the entire group from the dining room to a vacant semi-private supper room, and calling the cops.

“Ready to go?” Mae asked Kristel.

“Oh yeah. It’s almost time for the puking to begin.” Kristel elbowed Mae, and they headed to the cashier.

They stood at the cashier’s station, waiting for someone to take their money, and Blondie rushed past them into the bathroom. The sound of retching followed.

“Told you,” Kristel said.

Mae said, “You called it!”

“I had my money on Leopard Spandex though. Drinking chocolate milk on top of booze? Not too sure about that.” Kristel handed her cash to the flustered manager behind the counter.

“How was your meal?”

Mae and Kristel looked at each other, then at the manager, and burst out laughing.

***

Mae walked into her home, and found Trenton sleeping on the couch. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

He woke up and asked, “How was your girls’ night out?”

Mae grinned. “It was a great, big heaping plate of an Owensboro Saturday night. Tell you all about it in the morning.”

Mae waved to her friend pulling out of the driveway, and Kristel waved back. “Right now, I want to let you know how much I appreciate you.”

“What’s all that about?”

“Let’s just say that I’m glad your nickname isn’t ‘The Claw’.” She laughed and led Trenton to the bedroom and yawned. “Love you, baby.” They crawled into bed and cuddled.

“Love you too.” Trenton kissed Mae’s forehead and she was asleep before his lips even left her. He sighed. “See you in the morning, then.” He chuckled and turned out the light.

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MaeHem At The Mall

Chapter 4: MayHem At The Mall

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“Meet me at Towne Square for lunch. There are some great sales, and I don’t want to miss them, but I haven’t seen you in so long. We can do some shopping together. I’m bringing the kids. You bring yours.” Dana laughed.

“I’ll see if I can get Trent to get dressed.” Mae laughed back.

“Well, tell that giant teenager of yours to get going!”

“Yeah, but I don’t know that we’re in the mood for Show Me’s.”

“It’ll be quick. It’s a little early for lunch, so it won’t be crowded or anything.”

“Okay. We’ll see you there in a while.”

“Mwuah! Love ya!”

“You too!”

They hung up, and Mae shuffled into the living room. “Lunch and shopping with Dana and the girls, let’s go.”

Trent wiggled his toes high up on his recliner. “Do I have to?”

“Dana was right.”

“Dana? About what?”

“That you’re a great, big teenager.”

Trenton jumped up from his chair and chased Mae into the bedroom.. “You got that right! And you know what they say about teenage boys!” He tackled her to the bed, and they wrestled and laughed.

“Come on, it’ll be a good time. We haven’t seen Aisha and Alaya for a while, either.” Mae put on her puppy dog eyes and batted her lashes.

“Aw, don’t do that.” Trent grinned. “I can’t say no when you do that. Okay, let’s go.” He got up and changed from his comfy shorts and t-shirt into jeans and a sweat shirt that said ,’roadkill on the grill’. “There. Let’s go hug our girls.”

Traffic was light, and they rode to the mall in good time. Parking was a different story, though, and Trent circled the same four lanes several times, waiting for a good spot.

“We could’ve walked in, had lunch and shopped four stores by now,” Mae said.

“It’s my day off. I deserve to park close to the door.”

“There’s one!” Mae pointed.

Trent pressed on the accelerator a bit and hurried around to the next lane and pulled into a spot just before a teenager in a beater tried to grab it.

“Ha. Beat him,” Trent said, and put the shift in park, pulled out the keys and got out. He patted his tummy and said, “Hungry man. Let’s go.”

Mae rolled her eyes.

“Well, I can’t really say hungry teenager.”

Mae sidled up to him and they walked hand in hand into the mall. They had barely taken two steps in when they heard a voice call out to them, and two other voices squeal.

“Mae, Trent, over here!”

“Uncle Trent! Aunt Mae!”

The passersby stole glances to see who answered the call. Aisha and Alaya ran up to them and locked them in tight hugs. The glued-together group waddled to where Dana stood, smiling.

“Come here, you!”

Trent walked like a robot, arms out in front of him toward Dana.

“Not you, but okay,” she laughed and gave him a light hug. She let Trent go, and the girls swarmed him.

“I meant you!” She did a sort of stuttered, excited shuffle to Mae, and threw her arms around her.

They parted, and Dana said, “What do you think?” She did a little twirl and showed off her new outfit. Her mini skirt had a pleated section that flew up when she twirled.

“Nice. Been here long?”

The group joined together and walked into the restaurant. They were seated quickly. Aisha and Alaya were busy talking over each other, telling Trent about their week at school while Dana and Mae caught up with each other.

“I’m going with the chicken Philly,” said Trent.

The girls sat on either side of him. Aisha ordered a grilled cheese and a dinner salad, and Alaya ordered a cheeseburger.

“Y’all ready?” Their waitress smiled, beaming at the group around the table.

Mae gave a gentle kick to Trent’s shin. “Behave,” she said.

“Yup, we’re ready!”

The group ordered, and chatted while waiting for their meals.

“So then, Jamie, she said…. Dana, what are you looking at?” Mae followed Dana’s eyes to a set of broad shoulders and a trim waist sitting at the bar.

“Sorry, what?” Dana said without looking away from the eye candy on the bar stool.

“Do you know him?” Mae asked.

“No, but I don’t think I’d mind getting to know him,” Dana said and raised her eyebrows.

“You…” Mae said with a little laugh.

“Can’t blame a girl for window shopping. He’s as fine as Ghirardelli Chocolate. I, uh, have to go to the ladies room. No need to come with me, though,” Dana rose and winked at Mae. “I can take care of this on my own.”

Mae shook her head and watched Dana walk away.

As Dana passed the bar, she made eye contact with the man. He had a draft beer glass in his hand, and had just pursed his lips on the rim to take a sip when he saw her. Dana paused ever so slightly, did a little twirl and walked to the ladies’ room with her miniskirt swaying with her stride.

When she came out, the man waved her over. “Hey, good-lookin’. Can I buy you a drink or something?”

“Oh, I’ve already ordered, but thanks. I’m Dana.” She held out her hand.

“Jerome.” He took her hand in his. “You here by yourself?”

She shook her head. “We’re on a family shopping spree.” She nodded in the direction of her table.

“Ah. Well, how about you give me your number, and we’ll see about getting you here sometime by yourself. Or somewhere else. You like to dance?”

“Oh, yeah. Here.” Dana pulled out her phone.

“Jerome Elias Watson!” A harsh voice pierced through the restaurant, right into Jerome’s eardrum.

“Sasha?” He winced and pulled away. Dana turned to see a rather large, very angry woman stomping their way. Her fury shone through the dark skin of her cheeks like the glow of embers at dusk. Jerome’s face reddened, and he turned to the bar and picked up his glass. “Shit.”

“Missy, you can just keep going.” She pointed a finger in Dana’s face.

“Oh no, you don’t. You need to talk to this sorry excuse for a man, not me. He came on to me.” She turned to Jerome. “Tell her.”

“You can’t talk about my man that way!” The woman took a step closer to Dana.

Unintimidated, Dana stepped inward, too. “He’s the one picking up women right under your nose. How would I know he had an old lady?”

Jerome swung around on his barstool and stepped between the two women. In any other situation, he would have been safe, but even a six-foot-two bundle of muscles is no match for women who are riled up.

“Old lady? Go look in the mirror!” Sasha reached an arm around Jerome to slap at Dana.

Jerome swung his arm out to block Sasha, but when her hand hit his arm, he bounced back and smacked Dana’s shoulder.

By that time, Trenton was walking calmly toward them with a stern look on his face. “Hey, be careful with my sister. Let’s just be cool, okay?” he said.

Alaya yelled from the table, “Yeah, leave my mom alone!”

Mae put a hand on the table.

“She’s okay. Uncle Trent is there, and we’re going to just stay here and not make it worse, okay?” Mae saw the girls as they nodded but watched closely, ready to defend their mom, and she felt kind of proud, the way the family stuck together.

Jerome’s temper flared. “Keep out of this, kid!”

Trenton put a hand on Jerome’s arm and led him and Sasha away from Dana. “That kid, as you called her, can run you down and put you on the floor before you can say ‘outside linebacker’. Just cool this off. Okay?”

Sasha folder her arms and huffed heavily. She shot a dirty look toward Dana, but then looked up at Jerome. “Yeah, what the hell? Get your ass home, motherfucker.”

He dropped a bill on the bar and left with his head low, and his woman behind him scolding him the whole way.

Dana held her head high and sat down at the table and watched the leave with daggers in her eyes.

“Should have stuck to window shopping,” Mae said, trying to inject some humor into the situation.

“I just wanted to try, not buy,” Dana said.

She and Mae laughed at the same time.

“Hey, look at it this way. You didn’t end up as ‘the other woman’. I think that Sasha would have drawn blood.”

“Yeah, but dammit. I just can’t get a break.”

The waitress arrived with their food, and they dug in.

“Uncle Trent, will you take us to Scoops & Smoothies for dessert?” Aisha asked.

“You gonna have room?” he teased.

“Let’s all go. Then we’re going to look at shoes,” Dana said, and raised a glass. “To family.”

They all raised their glasses and said, “To Family!”

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My Complaint With Walmart

tis the reason

Dear Walmart,

I would like to lodge a formal complaint. Today I went to look at Christmas underwear with my friend Lexi. I was surprised that you have a decent collection of cute Christmas underwear! Some have reindeers on them, some are green ruffles, some have santa suspenders-the list goes on and on. What was more surprising was where you had them located.

They were located right next to the check out!

If I’m going to look through a bin of underwear, (which I promise is an entirely new low for me!) I would prefer to do it tucked away nicely in the back where the rest of the underwear is.  I don’t like having a  group of teenage boys leering at me while I am doing so!

I live in a small town too! In the time it took for me to pick out a pair, (ten minutes!) I ran into my boss, my preacher, and half of my coworkers! Now, every time I’m in church my preacher is going to look at me and think of a giant reindeer on my ass!

Let me cue you in on a secret, underwear is a sacred thing. The right pair can give you confidence you never thought you had! But, and for classier women it is something that you only want your partner to know what you are going to be wearing! Change the location, I promise that I am not the only person that felt embarrassed yesterday! I mean have you read my blog? I am not someone that embarresses easy!

Mortified Customer,

Maegan Hagan

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The Greatest Facebook Fight Of All Time

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Let me first start off by saying, this is in no way a reflection of my friends and I! …Well, maybe it is! To get started with this Facebook fight I first have to give you the backstory. My Facebook is set to Public. IE, any random asshole can add me.

A few months ago a man named Ronnie Moss added me. I honestly thought it was a Fake Profile, so I was like- I’m going to accept this and see how this plays out.

Last week, I went to volunteer with GOTV with the Daviess County Democrats. Of course I put up a status about it! I have to live my entire life on Facebook don’t you know!

Well, I had a visitor on my Facebook!

The Status That Started This War!

The Status That Started This War!

Okay, so here comes Ronnie Moss-

stop bitch Ronnie Moss

…Por Que? ….Are you calling me, Maegan Hagan a bitch? Obviously, you have no idea you are talking to…

Ronnie Moss

Ronnie Moss

Okay…so the next thing I say to him I’m not so proud of….lol but I have a bit of a temper…

My Response to Ronnie...

My Response to Ronnie…

Okay, so fast forward two weeks later…I was having a REALLY bad morning! I mean I woke up with bad news and negativity from two different people! So, I out up a Facebook Status, (I know this is just so immature! Jeez!)

The Devil is alive

The Devil is alive

And that is when the fun began! Bahahhaaha ! I mean between Ronnie and my friends I had pure entertainment all morning! Yes, if you haven’t figured it out I am a twisted bitch!

Dana was on a bit of a photo kick this morning!

Dana was on a bit of a photo kick this morning!

For some reason Dana my Sister-In-Law was on a HUGE photo kick this morning!

Ronnie Moss You Are

Ronnie Moss You Are

Normally I wouldn’t have paid this old man no mind, lmao, but I had had my fill of bullshit already for the day!

stfu ronnie

Lmao, Yes, I understand I sound like a two year old!

what you doing for him

Ugh…..

I rebuke you!

I rebuke you!

That’s when my friend Bee steps in…which anything Bee is involved in turns into pure pandamonium!

Bee is the fucking devil!

Bee is the fucking devil!

Im'ma stand right here

Im’ma stand right here

Good you burn!

Good you burn!

….So this is when Dana Realizes this guy may be serious…

dana mischelle is this guy being serious

So is Bee….

i am eternal

This is just too good….

you dum

I should mention Bee is a writer too….

bee you're

So, then Dana starts calling Ronnie Michael…

Dana gets his name wrong

And Bee is just Bee….

bee has me dead

Dana realizes she got his name wrong….

Dana realizes

dana bye felecia

I have something to say again….

that escalated quickly

Kristal Kimbley chimes in with her favorite saying, “Tell mama I LUV her!”

kristal kimbley status

And then the best and badest bitch ever, my friend Missy Bales AKA the movie star put the best photo comment together known to man…..

ronnie looks like

And it’s even more hilarious because the entire time I saw this dude I kept thinking, “I know his face from some where!”

Lmao, I love my friends AND you Ronnie Moss! Also, real quick-if you all get the chance my friend Bee Beard has a fan page Bee Beard-Writer,Poet,Activist

He really is like this ALL the time! And you will really love what he has to say! Oh! And add me, Maegan Hagan and like my FanPage!

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Mae Gets An Intervention in Denny’s

Kristal Kimbley, my niece Alaya. my sister in=law Dana Hagan, and that's me in the back!

Kristal Kimbley, my niece Alaya. my sister in=law Dana Hagan, and that’s me in the back!

I was in Denny’s tonight and my best friends staged an intervention on my ass! My phone died and I started getting nervous! I started rocking back and forth and everything. I said, “Kristal, can I borrow your phone?”

Kristal says, “About that….that’s why we have brought you here tonight.”

My best friend Kristal picks up her phone, “Dear Mae. We used to have a really good time together. Now all you want to do is be on Facebook.”

My niece Alaya pics up her phone, “Dear Aunt Mae, You used to be a good aunt. Now all you want to do is be on Facebook.”

Dana pics up her phone, “Mae, you are a like whore. I can’t be around you anymore.”

Immediately, I lashed out. “What about you whores?!? You’ve been texting people all night!” I look at Kristal, “You have literally been Vining hard all night long!”

It just so happens I can quit anytime I want to! But first….let me go update my status!

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Maegan Hagan Visit’s Jimmy John’s

Jimmy John's Fresh Sandwhich

Jimmy John’s Fresh Sandwhich

Let’s talk about Jimmy John’s Owensboro! Okay, so on two separate occasions I was almost in a car wreck over Jimmy John’s. The first time my beautiful and smart sister in law was driving me to the grocery store. She looked to the right on Frederica and said, “Oh my God! Jimmy John’s!” She got so excited she swerved the car! Okay! So, my first responses was, “Really?!? You almost killed us over a restaurant?!?” And she said, “No. You don’t get it. It’s Jimmy Johns!” I said, “What the f*&f is Jimmy Johns?!?” And she goes on to tell this long story about when she lived in Indy she would eat at. I was like…okay. That’s cool.
…The next day I’m in the car with Trent. Her brother and my husband. He is driving me to Starbucks’s AND HE DOES THE SAME THING! So, now I’ve almost died twice over some damn sandwiches. I said, “What is up with this family and this restaurant?!?”

So, I’m at work this last Friday and my best friend at work Sara wouldn’t stop talking about it! I mean she was going on about how great they are and how they deliver. At one point I was thinking, “Has Jim John’s hired you as a spokesperson? I mean are you being paid to endorse their sandwiches?”

So, today I leave my doctors office and my doctor had just gotten Jimmy Johns delivered. So, I left. And I don’t know why but I was like, “I’m going to go try it!”

I pull up to the restaurant and I’m mad anyways! Jimmy John’s was so packed we had to park across the street! I was talking to myself and everything! I was saying, “Damn sandwich It can’t be THAT great! I mean what’s so great about it? They put crack in it?!?’

Trent grabs my hand and says, “Mae. I promise you’ll get it. Please come on this journey of the mouth with me!”

We go inside and it is PACKED! The thing that immediately put a huge smile on my face was…they have a LOT of people working there. Like, there were at least twelve people working in a very tiny space. I was thinking, “I’m sold.” Owensboro needs this. That put a huge smile on my face. I mean the holidays are coming up and people need jobs. My total came to 10.52 for 2 number 2 big John’s. I was glad to pay. They got our sand which done HELLA fast! I mean like 2 minutes! The sand which was AMAZING! I mean it was SO fresh and the bread was like heaven! I’m sold, Owensboro! I’m sold!

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The Adventures of The Traveling Vibrator


Let me say, I know that I am not the only person to have an embarrassing Sex Toy story.

Steve Irwin was what my friend Janet had named her vibrator. She would have these long drawn out fantasies about how she would go on these adventures with The Crocodile Hunter. She would help him catch a crocodile,  and then he would pin her up against a wall, and then just plow the fuck out of her! Later, my friend would say that she went into a severe depression for days after he had been killed. She would go on to retire Steve Irwin, saying, “It just isn’t the same.”

Before,he so tragically was killed, Janet said that Steve Irwin had been missing for days. She couldn’t figure out where in the world it had gone to. For days she rifled through all of her belongings trying to figure out where she had placed her Steve Irwin!

One day, while bringing the groceries in, she saw her two boys standing in the middle of a group of children. Janet,  both curious and worried,  went up to the group of children standing around her two boys. Janet, looked in horror as she realized what her own children were doing to her! Apparently they had sat up their own side show attraction/ modern day lemonade stand/ peep show, where neighborhood kids would charge to see, (You guessed it,) Steve Irwin!

Crikey!

My last move before moving in with my husband I was limited on time to pack and was also short of hands. A friend of mine had said she would ask some friends of hers from church if they would help me move.  My friend Wayne had just moved out of my apartment. While he was there Wayne  had been using my dresser to place all of his personal items

Wayne, had prided himself on his collection of sex toys. He had all different types of sizes,  and shapes, and colors!
Oh my! 

Because we were short on time and hands I just thought we could move the dresser, and I would sort everything out later.

So, these two teenage boys are loading up my dresser on to the truck,  and what should happen next?  One of the boys lost footing and the dresser door came open to reveal, not only Wayne’s extensive collection of gay pornography, but SEVERAL dildo’s!

The kid looked at the contents of the drawer, looked at me, looked back at the drawer,  and closed it, Not saying a single word. To this day I look back in horror wondering if I have scarred this innocent church going boy for life.

Thanks, Wayne.

Another friend of mine Lana was living with her father after she had recently moved back from Indianapolis. Her kids had been going through her purse trying to dig out change, but it so happened that her purse was where she kept her vibrator!
Lana was a single mom, and she was putting it in her purse because she wanted to avoid anyone finding it in her drawer.

Her son, who was five years old, grabbed it and took it out of her purse.
Her father was in the living room watching TV.
The son went in the living room and sat it in her father’s lap!
The father, realizing what it was, and too embarrassed to say anything, very politely wrapped it up with its cord very neatly and handed it back to Lana. Lana would use this as motivational tool to find a new place as fast as possible.

Or, there was the time I went to visit my sister in-law Stacey. She had a huge black eye!
“What happened?” I screeched.
“Your brother hit me in the eye with my vibrator,” she said in a long, drawn out southern accent.
It turned out that they had gotten a little too into it sex one night. 
For two weeks Stacey went around saying,  “My husband hit me in the eye with my vibrator!”

Which brings me to my story. My story, so awful, that I often am laying in bed at night,  and will wince at the mere thought if it.

I had just brought my puppy Henry home a few days ago. My husband was very sick, and I asked a local Catholic church if they could possibly come to my house to interview me to see if I qualified for assistance. If you qualify they will help you make your electric payment if you are about to be disconnected. We were about to be disconnected.

I never really know what to say to really religious people. I feel like I’m having to hold back the entire time, and I think that most of the time they don’t know how to handle me either.

The man that worked for the church was very kind to me, and he talked to me about my experiences with Christianity and what it meant to live a Christian life. He started to ask a little more about me. Well, I didn’t really know what to say.
I thought,  “Oh hey! I can show him the dog! You can’t go wrong with a dog!

“Henry! Come here, Henry! ” I looked at the man and very proudly and awkwardly proclaimed , “I have a dog!”

Henry staggered into the room and he had something purple in his mouth and I couldn’t quite make out what it was….and then I figured out what it was. It was Barney – my vibrator!

I stared in horror as Henry dropped the vibrator in the middle of the floor. It turned on and started flopping around like a freshly caught fish.
But, no! It didn’t stop there! Henry, still a baby, didn’t understand why it was flopping around. He started barking uncontrollably. I can’t tell you how quickly I leaped,  scooped Barney up, and made a hail Mary pass to the bedroom!

It turned out Henry had very curiously made his way to my night stand and had dug out my vibrator. When I replay it in my mind now I think, that would make a great pop up book for adults!
It could be about Henry running around town getting into adventures and making friends with my vibrator….(palm face,).
I looked at the man, praying to God that he didn’t see the same thing I just witnessed. If he did he didn’t utter a single word about it.

He very politely excused himself saying, “I hate to leave, but I have a few other places I have to be today.”
It may have just been in my head, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye either.

“Wait!” I called after, “Can you still pay my bill?”

I want to know what your embarrassing Sex Toy stories are. The more embarrassing the better!

I think I may make this into an adult pop up book series, what do’ya think?

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