So, as I mentioned earlier I have been suffering from depression, and quite honestly I have to find reasons to want to be alive.
This past week I got down on myself about where I work and the fact that its only minimum wage, and I had picked up some extra hours because its about to be our five year anniversary.
At first I had all these ideas about Trent being able to buy me a necklace for our fifth year anniversary. Or throwing a party with all of our friends and family.
But, I got to thinking, even though I picked up an extra shift, Trent and I realistically can’t do anything fun with the money because we are just going to break even. (please note: I hate talking about money because it makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I just want to be completely honest with you.)
So, Trent and I were driving home from his work and I started to cry. Uncontrollably. He stopped the car and said, “What’s wrong, Maeviss?”
This made me cry even more because I know if Trent could hand me the world on a silver platter he would.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cry, but I feel tired, and I feel like we are still coming up short. Why??? We’re good people, right? When are good things going to start happening for us? I just want us to start having nice things.”
Trent started to tear up and we sat there in silence and I knew I was being selfish and I know he works even harder and longer shifts than me so I can’t even imagine how shitty it feels when it comes to the topic.
We sat there in silence a bit longer and Trent started to laugh, “You know what bugs me the most? All these older people talking about going to retire. I don’t think our generation is even going to know what that means.”
I started to laugh too because I get what he’s saying.
Another thing that was secretly bothering me is the one year anniversary of my dad’s death is coming up. And it makes me think of how hard it was to bury him because we didn’t have life insurance and how much of a low life some of the funeral director’s had made me feel. Truthfully, the only was I got through his death and that whole situation was putting all of my energy into Halloween and Thanksgiving. Because when it comes down to it, I need goals to keep me going.
“Trent, instead of buying me anything for our anniversary, could you please help me build a Halloween Town?”
Trent kissed me on the cheek and said, “Of course.”