His eyes were no longer the same. His eyes, once full of life and compassion- now looked dead.
It happened the week after our miscarriage. He told himself to be strong for me, he wasn’t allowed to be weak.
He told himself that he wasn’t allowed to feel anything about this painful event that had taken place in both of our lives together. He was the man – men are supposed to be strong- didn’t you know?
Trent had been out of a job. He went looking for work the next week. It was right after the crash of 2008. Everyone was out of a job! I had been working since I was 15, and I was out of a job! I wasn’t working either, but Trenton told himself he was the man. It was his job to take care of us. He would go to these interviews and there would be ten other people there, and Trenton would go in to the interview thinking, ‘Oh great! What’s the point? These people look way more qualified that me!”
I held in my hand the third rejection letter Trenton had received in three weeks.
I sat in the van silent as Trenton quietly read the letter to himself. After about two minutes Trent put the van in drive. He started out at a normal speed but as we hit downtown area of Owensboro, Kentucky, his driving became more aggressive.
So, here we are in a van painted like a FUCKING COW, on Frederica, and we are at 65 MPH.
Our car had broken down a week before this. Trent and I were pretty much only left with the option of buying this 1995 White Cargo Van. His brother had already started making jokes about it looking like a van used to abduct children, so I thought I would spruce it up, and I thought it was a awesome idea to paint it like a cow! Trenton had a really good time painting it, too. It was the first time he had smiled in months.
“Trenton, you’re scaring me. Please stop the van!”
“STOP THE FUCKING VAN, TRENTON! ” I screamed as loud as I could.
I watched in horror as Trenton pulled into the parking garage of the RiverPark Center. I remember thinking, this isn’t my husband!
First Floor- “Stop the van, Trenton!”
Second Floor – “I’m calling 911 Trenton!”
I picked up the phone and accidently dropped it as we reached the Third floor. “It’s going to be okay, Trenton – JUST STOP THIS GOD DAMN VAN! PLEASE!!!”
I tried reaching for the phone but it was too late- we were at the top of the building.
I remember watching this beautiful man – the man I promised the rest of my life to grow old with, get out of the van and walk to the edge of the building.
But I wasn’t giving up that easy! I was not going to lose him! I remember running after him as his second foot reached the ledge and grabbing onto the black peacoat he had on.
A black peacoat that I had bought him our first Christmas together because he had always wanted a peacoat. It was Trent’s favorite possession in the world. I grabbed the inside of that beautiful peacoat and somehow that beautiful peacoat managed to give me leverage enough to grab onto him and throw him to the ground.
We laid there and for a moment there was silence, until he started to cry. “Why the fuck shouldn’t I just end it? You would be so much better without me.”
And so I said the first thing that came to my mind,”Because I love you. Because you love me. Because there is no me without you, and if you do this right here, right now – you are going to fuck me up for life.”
I look back on it now and think of how insanely selfish it was that it was the only thing I could think of to say. What him killing himself would do to me.
But it worked. And we got in the van and I called every person possible I could that could help my husband get to the hospital to get help.
It took a lot of work and through the process we learned a lot about Trenton. We learned that Trent had undiagnosed depression for several years.
The truth is right now – even without really thinking I can come up with three things I love about Trenton.
1. He has a great heart and he would do anything for anyone
2. He has these almond shaped eyes that I used to stare at for hours when we first started dating. They’re gorgeous.
3. Trent is crazy smart. He doesn’t even have to try – he just is!
There’s a ton of qualities that I see in Trent. But that doesn’t matter. Because Trent doesn’t see Trent that way.
I’m not going to lie – there have been several bumps in the road to Trent’s treatment of depression — but he keep going. And we all love him very much for that because we couldn’t imagine him NOT in our lives.
I would really love to hear your thoughts and if you have stories like this- please feel free to share them with me. If you feel like you need to get it out of you and put it to paper-send it to me! I will listen!
I love you Trenton Hagan, and I am so incredibly proud of how far you have come!